Titus24U

"Who Am I?" - The Comparison Queen

2012-01-31T16:23:00.000-06:00

"She doesn't have to do the dishes!!"

"He got to go last time!"

"That's not fair, she gets to have two parties!!"

If you're a Mom you may have heard a statement like this in the past week, or if you live in my house it's usually at least once a day! All of my kids, well the 3 who can talk play this game, but one tends to do it a little more often than others. She would be the one who acts too much like her mother at times - yes, that would be me!!

When I think about it, I'm not surprised - she is the daughter of the comparison queen. Growing up with two sisters I can recall the above statements and more...I didn't always say them, but in my mind I compared things quite often. This way of thinking wasn't isolated to my home, but was also something I did as a student, athlete and friend.

I can remember thinking, "The coach told her good job twice, she must be better than me." "She was invited to 3 sleepovers, they like her more than me!" "The teacher asked her to be in charge again, she's more responsible than I am." The list could go on, but I'm going to assume if you haven't experienced this yourself you get the idea.

These thoughts often led to one or two places - many times they left me discouraged and down on myself. After comparing, I'd beat myself up thinking I wasn't good enough which would then lead to isolation and/or giving up. The other destination I'd find myself at was the land of "It's not fair!!" Honestly this could lead to anger, jealousy and even bitterness as I thought someone else was getting what I wanted and sometimes even thought I deserved.

I find myself thinking about this more as I hear my kids share similar words and have recently been challenged by my response. I've found myself saying what I thought I never would, "Life's not fair...you better get used to it." I'm not denying the truth of that statement, but lately I've been thinking I don't want my kids to simply grasp this reality...I want to keep them from playing the game, the comparison one!

But, before I can convince them to stop...I'm beginning to realize I need to retire first! Lately I've noticed the tendencies I had as a child are still with me today as an adult. Granted I'm no longer concerned with how many sleepovers invitations my friends receive, but I have noticed what ministry opportunities they've been given. And I no longer keep track of how many fun things my sisters get to do, but I'll be honest and admit I know how many times my husband has left the house without children since I last did!

It can be hard to admit this, but as I have done just that the last few days with the Lord, He's brought a passage (John 21: 15-25) in front of me in a few different ways. To summarize, Jesus has just told Peter what kind of death he will endure and what does Peter do? Perhaps we could call him the comparison king, "Peter turned around and saw behind them the disciple Jesus loved—the one who had leaned over to Jesus during supper and asked, “Lord, who will betray you?” Peter asked Jesus, “What about him, Lord?”

And friend if you ever find yourself playing this game, listen to Jesus words, "Jesus replied, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? As for you, follow me.”

When Jesus speaks to us individually it doesn't matter what He is saying to anyone else...we are to follow HIM! The only comparison He wants me to do is comparing my walk to His will and the only person God wants me to measure myself against is His Son!

It's true, life isn't fair...God reminds me of that just like I do my own children, but lately He's been taking the lesson a bit further...just because that is a reality, I don't need to play a game that I will always lose! The next time I feel myself wearing my old crown I want to remember what Jesus said to Peter, but more than remembering I want to obey and follow Him because I know He has plans for me! (Jer. 29:11) And friend nothing compares to being right where He wants me to be...even when it's at home with 5 little ones who don't quite understand all of this yet!!

Why I don't write...

2012-01-27T15:44:00.002-06:00

This past week I've been thinking about a lot of different things, but one in particular is writing. Before Christmas I found myself writing quite regularly and in October I had committed to posting on my blog everyday, but this month is about over and just now I'm posting for the second time.

I could come up with quite a few reasons as to why I don't write...I'm busy, other things are more important, there's not enough time, and the list goes on. Just yesterday I realized these really aren't reasons, they are excuses and the real reason I don't write is because sometimes I am afraid.

You see my last post, the little pep talk for my former basketball team is one God's reminded me of quite often since the words left my fingers. And that's been the case with many of my other posts. I've realized this before, but this past week it seems I've been more aware of this fear.

I believe God has some things on my heart, but deep down I'm afraid of putting it out there. Not because it's bad or wrong, but because I know from past experience He calls me to live out the messages I type up! Believe me, I know He's God and He's going to do what He wants rather I write or not, but for me putting things on paper really is a form of accountability. Talking with my hands (literally) is much easier than with my mouth, so I don't hear, "Practice what you preach" too often, but I know I could hear, "Practice what you post!"

As I think about what it seems God is calling me to share, I recall hearing Lysa TerKeurst say, "If you write about parenting, bank on your child going to the principal; if you write about marriage, be prepared for yours to be attacked..." I'm not one much for battles or confrontation, so those words scare me and support my reason for not writing.

I also know God's Word tells us, "Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Phil. 3:12-14

If I were to guess I'm sure there were times Paul didn't want to do what he was called to do, but yet he persevered. That perseverance usually didn't bring great earthly rewards, but his faith grew and his light was shining.

Friend I don't know what God is calling you to do and I don't know the reasons you're not doing it, but would you join me in taking some time to think about this. I know one of my answers to the title of this post was "it doesn't matter anyway" and perhaps you think the same, but can I share this thought with you - what YOU do always matters to at least one person (and for a side note since we are part of the body, what we do always impacts others), so even if no one else is affected by your actions, you are!

When we are obedient, God will bless and strengthen our relationship with Him and that my friend is why we should do what He asks us to do!! Even when we are afraid...perhaps especially when we are afraid!!

Feel free to share...I would be honored to lift you in prayer!

Basketball...a lot like life!

2012-01-21T07:48:00.000-06:00

Recently I watched the girls I coached as junior highers now play a varsity basketball game. It was fun to be back in the gym and a joy to see how they have improved, but as they walked off the court after another loss I wanted to talk to them. Simply share some thoughts in the locker room like I did four years ago.

That didn't happen, but as the night came to an end my thoughts kept rolling. As my husband drifted off to sleep, the coach in me kept thinking....I wish I could tell them -

"Have some fun out there!!" It looks (this is just my observation) like they are going through the motions and not enjoying themselves like you should when you play a game.

"Don't play with fear." The girls appeared to be a bit hesitant at times and looked like they were trying not to lose instead of playing to win. I wanted to tell them, "you've played for years, you can do this! And even if you make a mistake, shake it off and try again! Quit thinking so much!!!"

"Get after it!!" Just because I want them to have fun that doesn't mean I don't want them to work!! If you want to win and do well you have to put forth effort and give your best! When I played we always had the saying, "If basketball were easy, everyone would play!!" It's not and they don't, so play with pride when you put the jersey on!!

"Play as a TEAM!!" Basketball is a game with 5 players for a reason, help each other out, work together and cheer each other on! When your teammates succeed, so will your team!

And finally, "Enjoy the Moment!!" I realize all of the girls are not the basketball fanatic that I was back in the day, but I have to believe someday they'll miss it and I don't want them to look back with regrets! When the season is done there is no going back and for the seniors, there is no next year.

Time kept ticking away and I realized this is no longer my team, I have to let it go and get some sleep...my little starting 5 would be waking soon! They did and as the day began, the game became a memory.

There was laundry to do, kids to feed, fights to break up, children to be taught and on and on. By mid-morning I found myself a bit stressed, a bit more ungrateful and on the edge of entering survival mode.

It was then God whispered to my heart, "Why don't you listen to the words you wanted to share with your basketball girls?" I thought what? My playing days are done!! But then I let my little speech replay in my mind and realized He was right! These words aren't just for basketball, but a Mom playing the game of life and a Christian walking the road of faith.

Friend, today it doesn't matter if you've ever picked up a basketball, these words above are for you and me!

Let's quit going through the motions as we walk in faith, no play in basketball is ever the same and neither is any day in life or situation we encounter. Be intentional with the time we have and make a difference by trusting the One who brought us to the event we are walking through!

Let's put the fear aside and play to win in the only game that really matters - life!! Remember no matter what situation you are facing - with God all things are possible and in Christ you can do all things!! (Matt. 19:26 and Phil. 4:13)

Though God can do all things, let's not forget that He has equipped us to do them - meaning we have to work! This will require discipline, time and effort, but the rewards it will bring are worth it!!!

Play as a team - as I "listened" to myself, memories of earlier this year came back - after our little Jesse was born I felt as though I had a new starting 5, my little Team Beran! But the other morning I realized I'd been feeling like it was more of a them against me rather than a united team effort! No matter who you are working with - basketball teammates, a ministry group or your family remember Together Everyone Achieves More!!

And last but not listen, perhaps the most important piece of advice, "Enjoy the Moment!!" These words hit hard - it's been nearly 20 years since I sported the Wildcat jersey and I still find myself missing that from time to time, but it hit me that someday instead of talking about a game I'll say, "It's been 20 years since Jesse was a baby and all the kids were home." Wow, that puts things in perspective! I don't want to merely survive this season, I want to enjoy it and I pray you do too!!

Well, I'm not sure if I'll get to tell the girls what I wanted to, but I'm so thankful God told me what He had to say!!!

Merry Christmas from our family to yours!!

2011-12-23T19:32:00.000-06:00

I consider you, my reader, a friend and wanted to share our family Christmas letter with you as well! I pray the season finds you full of excitement and joy and asking God to bless you in 2012!!
    I always love trips to the mailbox during this time of the year, not because I like winter, but it’s a joy to get updates from each of you and see some pictures too! This year I’ve found myself struggling to sit down long enough to write our Christmas letter. As the day of celebration gets closer and closer, I find myself a bit overwhelmed and feeling a little stress. Perhaps you can relate? Presents to buy, cookies to bake, letters to write, plans to make…you get the idea! But tonight I’ll pause and scratch one thing off my list!
    The highlight of the year would have to be the birth of Jesse Clay Beran!! He arrived on July 19th and was instantly loved by all!! I feel like a coach once again…it’s no longer 2 forwards and 3 guards, but 3 boys and 2 girls!! So for the rest of Team Beran, the year has been busy with school, AWANA’s, sports, sleepovers, farming, sewing with Grandma Marie and the annual summer trip with Grandpa and Grandma Biwer. There were lots of fun times and many memories made during 2011!! Thanks to all of you for being part of them!!
    As I sit here and reflect on the year we’ve had my thoughts have shifted a bit, being overwhelmed at Christmas really isn’t something new. I’m sure I could ask my mom, grandma or any mom if Christmas and all the prep it includes ever left them overwhelmed and the answer would be yes. But I’m thinking of going back further than that with thoughts of another Mom, Mary the Mother of Jesus, the boy we celebrate. Then there’s Joseph and the Shepherds…if I had to guess at some point in the story I believe they were overwhelmed.
    So if you find yourself in a similar place this Christmas will you join me in setting aside the overwhelming feelings and simply remember the Reason for the season! You’ll still be overwhelmed - not because of all you have to do, but instead because of all God has done! These feelings won’t lead to stress, but always help me remember I am blessed!!
   Merry Christmas to you! We pray the season brings you peace, joy and love and even leaves you feeling a bit overwhelmed!!!
                                                                                                      With Love,
                                                                                                      “Team Beran”
                                                                                                       Job, Jill,
                                                                                                       J.D. (8), Joy (6),
                                                                                                       Jaylyn (4), Jed (2)
                     and Jesse (5 Months)

“The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face shine on you and be gracious to you;
the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace.” Numbers 6:24-26

Question of the Week

2011-12-23T14:27:00.002-06:00

Lately it seems like every conversation holds a similar question, "Are you ready for Christmas?" If I'm the one being asked my answer is "No!" There's still presents to buy and wrap, a few decorations that are still in the box and cookies in need of frosting. But the other day I was challenged by an answer I heard someone share.

When he was faced with the question of the week I heard him say, "In my heart, yes. Under the tree, not yet."

Immediately in my mind I thought wow, that is good! Perhaps I'm the only one who's been distracted and a bit stressed with all there is to do, but I was feeling quite convicted of losing focus of what the season is all about as I heard this gentleman's response.

Thankfully his words have challenged me to make the most important preparations and truly be ready for Christmas! Friends it's not about the gifts we put under the tree, it's the One God sent for you and me! It's not about the gifts we buy or receive, but instead the one we give when we die to self and choose to believe!

So today I'll a question you've probably already heard, "Are you ready for Christmas?" My prayer is our hearts will be ready on Christmas morning!!

A Baby Born to Die - Repost

2011-12-19T05:54:00.002-06:00

Yesterday our Sunday School performed their Christmas program and I was reminded of the one that took place two years ago. These memories took me back to my blog and after reading these words again I felt the push to share them once again.

From January 2010 - As I wrote in my last post, I recently played Mary in our Sunday School Christmas program and doing so has given me much to think about. And today my thoughts revolve around the idea of a baby born to die. At Christmas time that can be a phrase we hear quite often, but do we really listen and more than that do we take the time to stop and think about the significance of those 5 words?

I have and I suppose you have to, but as I sat on the stage looking at my newborn son wrapped in swaddling cloths, the words were more alive. Anyone who's had a child can recall the emotion that overflows as you hold your baby for the first time - there's the overwhelming feelings, the awe at what took place, dreams for the future, really it's more than words can describe. I'm sure the same and more was true for Mary as she gazed at the Son God had given her...not only was she looking at Jesus her first born, but she saw the face of God!

Honestly I have to say this experience was the first time ever I was on stage and totally unaware of the audience looking at me. (If you know me that says alot!!) But really I was consumed with being in Mary's shoes and still I'm amazed when I reflect on it all.

The impact of the experience doesn't end there though. When the service was done, a gentleman from the congregation asked me, "Do you know the significance of swaddling cloths?" The mom in me internally thought yes, they keep the baby warm and wrap them tight to ease the little one's transition. But he continued on, "Swaddling cloths were what they used for burial. He was born to die." That I knew, but I hadn't heard of that connection before so I looked into it a bit more.

In my research I came across this explanation, "In the Middle East, people traveling long distances were often met with many hardships and trials on their journeys. In the event of a death in travel, the body could not continue to be transported for many days. For that reason, travelers wrapped a thin, gauzelike cloth around their waist many times. If someone died on the journey, the others would use this cloth, referred to as "swaddling clothes" to wrap the corpse in before burying them. When Jesus was born, there was no room in the Inn, and so Mary and Joseph used a nearby stable for Jesus' birth. With no other cloth to use, Jesus was wrapped in Joseph's "swaddling clothes" - the cloth normally reserved for a person's death."

From the beginning Jesus was preparing to die. Now when my mind flashbacks and I see myself holding my little Jed, that can be hard concept to think about, but in life that is a reality. Thankfully chances are my son will not be called to the same death as Mary's, but just like Jesus, Jed's life on this earth will not last forever. And neither will mine...or yours.

Which brings me to another way to apply those 5 powerful words - Christ was born to die for my sins and because of that I am called to die to myself and live for Him. (Matthew 10:38-40). And as a mother I'm called to teach my son about His ways so someday he will do the same because when we die to self we live with Him and that is a birth that has no end!!

No Comparison

2011-12-11T16:18:00.000-06:00

Recently I was reminded of a prayer I prayed in the past. Back in October, I attended the Rise and Shine Women's Retreat. The day was wonderful, God was there and hearts were touched. This was the third year I've been blessed to be a part of this retreat, but this was the first year I was not on the leadership team. Honestly, it was different to sit in the crowd and be on the receiving end.

Like I said, the day was amazing. The worship was wonderful, the fellowship was uplifting and God spoke through the guest speaker, Susie Larson. I wasn't the only one who felt this way...in the days that followed I heard many comments, all positive and full of praise.

Such as, "This was the best one yet." "Susie Larson was wonderful." "I don't think it can get any better." "God spoke through Susie in a powerful way." "I don't know if they can top this." Words of praise and rave reviews.

But after a few days this started to bother me. I'll be honest...initially that scared me a bit because I didn't want this to be about me. It was hard to step down from the team, but I know it was a step God led me to. So when these thoughts first hit I asked God to take them away for fear of them leading to jealousy.

A few days passed and someone shared, "Susie was the best!" Again I found myself bothered by the comparisons. This time I clearly remember stopping and asking God, "Why does this bother me so much?" Before I go on I want to say God spoke to me in amazing ways through Susie Larson...she truly is a woman filled with the spirit! I am thankful for her and all God says through her, but I can say the same thing about Renee Swope and Lysa TerKeurst (Speakers in '09 and '10).

So I sat in silence and waited for an answer to my question. It was as if God assured me in His eyes they're all the best, but like usual then He asked me a question, "If this comparison thing bothers you so much, why do you do it all the time!?!"

My reaction, "Ouch, that hurt!!" God's right (isn't He always?!!) I do that all the time and it's always the other guy who is the best! And those thoughts are ones that bother Him! He doesn't want me, or you, comparing ourselves to anyone. We are all made in His image and if we've accepted Him, His spirit can work through all of us. It's not a competition and I believe Susie, Renee and Lysa would be the first to agree with that statement.

Actually I've heard Lysa say, "We're all on the same team! Let's work together to make Jesus the star!!" Friend that's only going to happen when we all strive to be who God made us to be and allow Him to shine through us. Then we will be our best and the glory will be His!

"In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven." Matthew 5:16

"I can't!" - Part 2

2011-12-08T15:41:00.002-06:00

The other day I wrote about a new way to look at the phrase, "I can't!" You can read all the details by clicking here, but to summarize I shared how sometimes "I can't" is actually what God wants us to say. These words are good when they are words of surrender. Basically for me it was the realization that I was at place where I couldn't do the task that God was calling me to and that is a good thing.

But over the last couple of weeks I think I've taken the thought that "I can't" is a good phrase a bit too far. Because honestly these two little words aren't always a good thing. When "I can't" becomes an excuse these words no longer please our Father.

Again this thought takes me back to my coaching days when girls on my team found themselves being punished for verbalizing the words my mind has been saying. "I can't dribble behind my back." "I can't do a left hand lay-up." "I can't get up that early to lift weights." "I can't...." These were words of doubt and defeat. I didn't want my girls to give up before they even began. And I didn't want a little work to keep them from being all I knew they could be.

Friend, the other day God brought all this back to mind and I felt like dropping to the floor and doing some push-ups. You see my "I can'ts" were rolling through my mind...I can't write...I don't have time. I can't write...she's better anyway. I can't be a good Mom...I lost my patience again. I could go on but you get the idea.

How about you? Do you have any "I can'ts" rolling around in your mind? Perhaps what God is calling you to is bigger than you ever imagined, maybe it requires time (or money) you don't have, perhaps it appears to be more work than you would like, I don't know, but I do know this - when our "I can'ts" are based on our abilities or resources they are nothing but an excuse. Think of God as our heavenly coach He knows what and who we can be and He doesn't want a little work, doubt or fear to keep us from fulfilling the purpose He has for us.

Would you join me in doing what my friend, Kimberly shared in a recent comment, lay your "I can'ts" at His feet. And as you do remember, He CAN and if He lives in you that means you CAN too!! I can do all things through him who gives me strength. Phil. 4:13

Off to do just that and for old times sake I think I'll do a few push-ups too!!!

"I can't!"

2011-12-06T06:24:00.002-06:00

Lately I've found myself thinking about the phrase, "I can't!" At times my children have said it, but I believe it's been on my mind because it's been on my heart. And over the last month I've realized there are two sides to these common words (ones we probably hear and say and think more than we know) - the good and the bad.

Honestly it was the good side that hit me first, the side I hadn't ever really thought about that much. You see thoughts of "I can't!" take me back to my coaching days...my girls knew that negative phrase would bring punishment, but still they often found themselves doing push-ups after expressing the doubt we all feel.

So I have to admit I was a bit surprised when I got to thinking about these words in a positive way. Before I explain, here's a quick summary of where I'm at - God has put it on my heart to write a book - a crazy, scary thought, but He's done that before and it happened. This last month I've been wrestling with this and even avoiding it at times, but a couple of weeks ago I found myself saying, "I can't."

In the midst of this, memories of my first crazy, scary book came to mind. I clearly recall the first time I verbalized this idea...the scene is playing in my mind right now and these are the words I hear myself say, "I could write a book."

Don't get me wrong in no way was I oozing with confidence 4 years ago when I wrote! But I have been struck by the comparison between my initial response back then (well it was in words anyway!) to the thoughts I have now - "I could" versus "I can't."

More than once I've found myself in prayer about this saying things like, "Lord, if I really was supposed to do this wouldn't I have a bit of confidence?" or offering words like these, "I can't - I don't have the time, the words, the wisdom, the platform" and on and on and on!!

During one of these quite conversations, God helped me look at the contrast between the two phrases in a whole new way. "I can't" is what He wants me to say...it's not a bad thing when it means I'm surrendering, when I'm letting go of what I can do and trusting what He can. He showed me that sometimes, "I could..." simply means I might, or someday I'll get around to it and when I do, I'll do it in my own power. That is not what our Father, the One who lives in me wants for me, or for you.

Friend, I don't know if you've found yourself saying, "I can't" lately, but today I challenge you to think about it...perhaps that is just the response God has been waiting for! Sometimes these words are a good thing, but that's not always the case so stop by soon to hear about my experience and share a bit of your own.

Today I leave you with this thought, "when we can't remember He can!!"

Eating Twinkies

2011-11-07T06:23:00.002-06:00

My kids love to hear stories about my younger days and a few weeks ago I recalled one from my college days. It went something like this...

"After I hurt my knee, I rehabbed and came back to play basketball, but things were never the same. Mommy just wasn't as fast as I used to be and it was just different so I decided the next year I wasn't going to be on the team anymore. But Antonio, a friend who played on the men's team didn't agree with my decision and had this to say, "Girl, you can handle the rock. You gotta play the game. What are you going to do? I know, you're just going to sit around, eat Twinkies and get fat!!"

The kids thought that was hilarious!! They also wondered what Twinkies were and one of them wondered, "did you get fat Mom?"

I explained what Twinkies were, shared about my experience with the intramural team and assured them how looking back this was clearly part of God's plan. We then moved on with our day with me thinking the Twinkie story was part of my past once again.

That was true until this past Saturday when my 4 year old and I were in the grocery story when something that looked like the Twinkies I had described caught her eye.

She pointed to the box and said, "Mom, are these those things that boy thought would make you fat??"

Though the box was labeled "Cloud Cakes" they were the same yellow, creme filled snack Antonio was referring to, so I said, "Yes!!"

She then gets a smile and asks, "Can we buy some?" I notice they're on sale, tell her to put one in the cart and we move on.

Yesterday I looked at the box sitting on our counter and had a new thought. Actually I asked myself a question, "Spiritually have I been sitting around, eating Twinkies and getting fat?"

Honestly that thought came from nowhere and in a way it hurt. But I know where it came from and really conviction is a good thing!!

Just last Monday, I posted a bit about enjoying a retreat a year ago I had been a part of and how that's been hard at times. Last January when I took that step, I had plans to use the time I would have been attending meetings to work on the new thing God had put on my heart. Well let's just say my intentions were good, my follow through not so much.

Rather than allowing me to stay there and beat myself up for failing once again, God gave me grace and reminded me of the work He's done through me. He also took me back to my college days and how walking away from basketball was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. At the time I didn't know it, but He was asking me to walk away from something I LOVED in order to find something that was so much better!! (And someone who would LOVE me back!)

Those memories excite me to let go and look forward to what is to come. And these thoughts remind me of this passage, “My food,” said Jesus, “is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work. Don’t you have a saying, ‘It’s still four months until harvest’? I tell you, open your eyes and look at the fields! They are ripe for harvest. Even now the one who reaps draws a wage and harvests a crop for eternal life, so that the sower and the reaper may be glad together. Thus the saying ‘One sows and another reaps’ is true. I sent you to reap what you have not worked for. Others have done the hard work, and you have reaped the benefits of their labor.” (John 4:34-38)

Friends, Jesus wasn't concerned with his meal for the day, so I know He wasn't sitting around eating Twinkies!! As we seek and serve Him we shouldn't either!! Today I challenge you to ask yourself, "Spiritually are you eating Twinkies?"

"Who am I?" - A women in awe and should always be!!

2011-10-31T17:54:00.001-05:00

Wow!! The month is about to end, meaning this 31 day journey will do the same! Though my day after day posts will be done the quest to answer this question will never be. So rather than a post that wraps everything up, I want to share what's on my heart...

This past Saturday I was blessed to attend the Rise and Shine Women's Retreat! It's the 3rd time I've been there, but the first time I attended as one simply going to be encouraged, refreshed and renewed. The last two years I've been part of the team, which was wonderful and a blessing itself. But it was a bit different to sit and relax rather than be running around tying up loose ends and getting a bit stressed with thoughts of being on stage.

So Saturday I drove down a bit sad, though being on the team adds a little stress, it also includes a lot of excitement. As I drove I prayed and asked God to help me let go of what was and rather than miss what's always been I asked Him to help me enjoy the day He'd put together. I also prayed for Him to speak, I knew He would, so then I asked for His help in listening.

I walked in the doors greeted by familiar faces and the day began. Susie Larson was the speaker, but often times the voice I heard belonged to God. Her opening talk was all about identity and if you've followed my blog over the last month and really the past year, you know that topic has been on my heart. Much of what she said encouraged me and confirmed what God has already been saying...I truly was touched and blessed.

By mid-morning I realized God had heard and was answering my prayers - towards the end of one of her talks, Susie led women in a time of identifying the things we hold onto. She encouraged us to write these down, crumple the paper, walk to the front, throw them down and leave it all in God's hands.

As the music started some women began to write, others were deep in thought and for a few tears began to fall. I took my list, which basically consisted of fears and doubts, and went to the front. As I returned to my seat I was struck by all the women moving forward...many with emotion evident on their face. I sat and again looked to the front to see women of all ages, from all places and in various stages, many of them joined with one another praying.

Though the music was instrumental it was then I began to listen....the Lord spoke to my heart, "Jill, look around, do you see this? Look at what I've done. Leave those doubts and fears in my hand and trust - you can't, but I can. Remember this!!" By now I'm the one with tears in my eyes and emotion on my sleeve.

Friend I want to explain a bit more, five years ago this month for the first time ever God put the idea of a women's conference on my heart. Today as I've continued to reflect, I went back to my prayer journals to see how this all started...

From Oct. 16, 2006, "Lord, if this dream I had is at all a message from You show me what to do. Never in my life would I have pictured myself doing something like this...Open the doors to what You want me to do and then give me the confidence and ability to do it. Lord it is amazing how You work!!"

God let that all sit for awhile as He continued to prepare me for what was to come. So fast forward to December of 2008, this is what I wrote,

"Lord it seems you've really been putting this conference idea on my heart quite a bit. And revealing some more details...in my mind this makes sense and I can see it, but then I think of all it involves and this is so beyond me. Father I know that means it will be You, so I ask you to help me stay focused on that and please keep showing me what to do. Lord, I trust You and know you have plans for good - don't let me mess them up."

Then from the very next day, "Lord this conference idea is on my heart and it seems you are revealing more pieces of the puzzle. If it's me doing that show me, but if it's You lead me on. I want it all to go according to Your plan. It is exciting to think about what You could do with this - Lord I know You have this on my heart for a reason!!! Keep me humble and may all of this glorify You!!"

Why do I tell you this?? Friend this is an idea that I thought was crazy!! Seriously I was nervous to share it with my husband, but God wouldn't let it die. Every step He led me to was one I was afraid to take. Believe me, it has been a journey...one that has taught me so much!!!

Over these last five years, He has helped me ask the question "Who am I?" but more importantly He's given me the answers and is now helping me believe them!! This past Saturday, He reminded me I am His chosen child, a daughter He delights in!! A new creation He works in and can work through - when I say yes!

Friend, perhaps today He is trying to get you to take a step, but like me you're afraid or feel undeserving, let my story encourage you - it's not at all about us, He is the one who will do it!! Just say yes and prepare yourself to look back with tears!!

We serve a BIG God, One we will forever be in awe of!!!

"Who am I?" Looking in the mirror...

2011-10-30T20:33:00.000-05:00

Jesse, our 3 month old, has discovered a new favorite thing to do - he loves to look in the mirror! He sees himself and smiles, then shakes with excitement followed by giggles that make me smile. The routine is one we've all come to enjoy!!

This morning though as I held him in front of the mirror I was convicted. You see mirrors have never been my friend, actually I've worked pretty hard to avoid them. Even today (as I tried to ignore the thoughts of conviction) I couldn't help but realize I was intentionally keeping my eyes from seeing the face they were a part of.

Instead I kept watching my little man and found great joy in how he interacted with the face that smiled back at him. He loved the little guy who looked just like him, this face made him smile. He was pleased with what he saw. As a Mom this was fun to see.

Then as I called for my husband to "come and watch this" I was struck that it's what a father likes to see as well. Friends, I'm not just talking about Jesse's dad; no, I truly believe it's what our Heavenly Father wants to see too.

He created me, He created you and He created us in His image. So let me ask you a question, "When you look in the mirror what do you see? How do you respond? Or like me is it something you don't even do?"

Ladies, Psalm 45:11 tells us, "Let the king be enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord." If He is enthralled by our beauty that must mean He thinks we are beautiful. I'm sure somebody is thinking, "Yeah, but you haven't seen what I see in the mirror."

You're right, but I know what I've seen in the mirror and I have plenty of words to describe the picture, but beautiful has never been one of them. Like I said, I was feeling convicted this morning and there was a reason. So let me share a few more thoughts -

Psalm 139:14 says, "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." I have read and heard this verse numerous times, perhaps you have too, but today I thought about it a bit more.

The first three words really made me think. "I praise you" - what does that look like? It can look like a lot of things, but I know it doesn't look like avoiding looking at what He's created or shuddering when I do.

I'd have to say praising Him looks a bit more like what I see as I watch my son look in the mirror. I don't think you'll sneak up to find me smiling or giggling as I stand in front of the mirror, but you will find something new.

Tonight I'll be posting some truths on the mirrors that have always told me lies and praying that God will forever remind me of the joy I feel as I watch my little man smile at himself. May we all remember our Father does the same when it's His child looking in the mirror!!!

"Who am I?" - Quote for the Day

2011-10-29T17:39:00.001-05:00

You are who God says you are! – Your past and other people do not define you.

"Who am I?" - The girl who wanted to die...

2011-10-27T21:16:00.003-05:00

Today will you journey with me as I tackle an area that at times I tend to avoid? You see for a long time this specific answer to our question was one I was not proud of, you might say it was a secret I wanted to keep. But God, has a purpose for the pain and perhaps a plan to use my past to help someone else's present.

I believe sometimes in order to answer the question, "Who am I?" we also need to consider the question, "Who was I?" Though we may no longer be that person, God uses who I was to shape who I am and can use that to help me become who He created me to be. So on today's answer...

Growing up, I was a child who got along with everyone, but wasn't real close to anyone. Others saw me as a great listener, but I rarely gave anyone the opportunity to do the same for me. Though I was surrounded by people who loved me, cared for me and supported me there were times I was lonely. It didn't help that I struggled with my looks and though I was a people pleaser I knew I'd let them down.

As my high school years passed by, the hole I was falling in seemed to get bigger. By the time I left for college, depression was part of my days. (Though I had yet to admit it.) Time went by and the days got darker until September of '99 during my second year of teaching.

It was a Tuesday and after struggling to connect with and gain respect from the kids I wanted to inspire, I felt like a failure. I looked at others' lives and thought I'd never measure up. As I listened to this repetition of lies and negative thoughts I convinced myself I didn't matter and uttered 4 words that have changed my life, "I want to die."

Instantly in my mind I had a plan, a way to end it all; but as I pulled out my journal, God had another plan. A thank you card from a Mom of one of my former students fell out and I picked it up. Her words shook me and reminded me of the desire I'd always had to set a good example and then my fear of failure kicked in and I was afraid I'd mess up my attempt at the unthinkable and have to face all the people I'd tried to leave behind. So rather than picking up my car keys, I grabbed the phone and called for help rather than going on a ride that would end it all.

Now for the sake of time, I'll spare you some details, but I do want to address my answer to the question "Who am I?" Though it hurts me to say this, I was the girl who wanted to die. Like I said for many years this was something I was ashamed of; if a conversation turned to suicide I found myself becoming very silent on the outside, but internally I'd beat myself up with thoughts like, "I can't believe you ever considered that!" Friend maybe you are there, if so can I share a new thought? A radical one?

I believe God wants us to die, just not the way the world defines it. It's not a physical death He desires but instead He wants us to die to self. And that's exactly what happened to me twelve years ago this fall, I finally realized I was not in control, it was not my job to fix everything or make everyone happy, nor was it anyone's job to fill me up or make me happy. By coming to the end of myself, I was able to go to the cross and receive all Christ had for me.

As I think about this John 11:25 comes to mind, "Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die." I believe Jesus is saying we can't live for Him and still do what we want, there's not room for Jesus and everything else; it's a one or the other decision. In this case dying isn't a bad thing, no, it's a good thing! It's what God wants me to do and you too!

The Bible supports this truth with Paul's words in Galatians 2:20, "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." When I decided to accept Christ, I was crucified with Him. Simply said, I died.

On that night back in 1999 I had no idea this is where my dying would lead, but God did. At that time I really didn't know much about a personal relationship with Christ, but as my Creator, God knew what would bring me to HIM.

In the days since there hasn't always been that same desire to die, but daily GOD calls me and you to die to our self and live for HIM!! Galatians 5:24 sums it up quite well, "Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires."

I'll be honest this isn't always easy and I don't always succeed, but it is God's desire for me. By doing this I will become who He created me to be. The Word tells us only by losing our life will we find it! (Matt.16:25)

I understand this is a scary concept, but then I recall those days of depression and the moments I thought physical death was the only answer. If you've been there, I'd guess you'd agree that IS scary!! I never thought I'd be one who wanted to die and like I said for years the memory of desiring just that brought pain and shame, but today I'm grateful for who I was because it has played a critical role in helping me become who I am.

This process of becoming can be difficult because it is hard to lay it all down for the sake of Christ, but as I reflect on my life and see the times I've done just that I know it's worth it!! I pray you do too!! Today may we reflect on Paul's words, "But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead." Phil. 3:7-11

"Who am I?" The girl who wanted to die, and did!! Friend, if these thoughts create questions in your mind or confusion in your heart please feel free to email me! (jillberan@yahoo.com) If God is speaking to you and calling you to surrender; I pray you will respond. It truly is the most important part of our journey to answer the question, "Who am I?"

"Who am I?" - They were going to call me Clay!!

2011-10-26T22:50:00.000-05:00

Growing up I can recall a conversation my parents, sisters and I had about our names. If I would have been a boy, my parents planned to call me Clay Matthew. The name was in honor of two of my great-grandfathers, but as a child I remember thinking, "Clay? Really?" In my mind clay was too close to dirt and I was thankful for the name I'd received.

So now we fast forward to this past July and I'm the Mom naming my son! You guessed it, I did what I was grateful my parents didn't do - our son will forever be known as Jesse CLAY Beran!!

Daily my other two sons prove that boys have no problem with dirt, but that has nothing to do with the reason for the name.

Nearly a year ago, we found out we were expecting; honestly I was a bit surprised and if I thought too much I became a bit stressed. But God had it all in control, this was obviously part of His plan and yet another experience He was going to use to teach me.

The "Who am I?" question was on my mind back then and during one of my overwhelming moments He gave me an answer I didn't expect. One day I found myself reading Jeremiah 18 and I realized the name I never wanted was one God used to define me.

Verses 3-7 say, "So I went down to the potter’s house, and I saw him working at the wheel. But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him. Then the word of the LORD came to me. He said, “Can I not do with you, Israel, as this potter does?” declares the LORD. “Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, Israel."

I read these words and it was as if verse 6 became real personal as I heard God whisper to my heart, "Can I not do with you, Jill, as this potter does?" I am clay in His hands and friend so are you.

This is an important answer to understand as we seek to know who we are. Accepting this truth is critical in becoming who God created us to be! As I return to the passage above, the words - "shaping it as seemed best to Him" are ones I love. These bring peace and joy.

And honestly tonight they bring tears...you see a year ago, I wasn't so sure about this being clay business. In a way I was trying to form my own pot - I had my own plans and ideas about how I thought my life would unfold. Friends I'm sorry to say that didn't include our little Jesse Clay.

I'm so thankful God knows best. I'm grateful He is patient with me. Again and again!! I'm in awe of how He works! I'm appreciative of how He continues to show me who I am!!

Though no one has ever called me, "Clay" it's comforting to know there is a potter who holds me in His hands and does what's best for me!! (Even when I don't realize it!!) And with tears, I'll add I'm blessed to know He holds my little "Clay" as well!!!

"Who am I?" - A Servant

2011-10-25T11:06:00.001-05:00

Nearly a year ago, for a reason I no longer remember we were talking about servants and our son asked, "What's a servant." I replied, "Someone who does work for you, they might wash your clothes or make your meals." He listened and quickly responded, "Kind of like a Mom."

My husband immediately stepped in and said, "Your mom is not your servant." I know what Job meant and I'm grateful for his concern, but lately as I've been thinking about the question, "Who am I?" this is an answer God has given.

His message was loud and clear a week ago when nearly everyone in our house took a turn with the stomach flu. By definition a servant is one who performs domestic duties and that week some of those duties, namely cleaning and laundry multiplied. I was serving my family and if you're a Mom, you know that's not just something we do when kids are sick.

Let's take this a step further though and think about what it means to serve biblically. 1 Peter 4:9-11a has this to say, "Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ."

God calls us to serve others and will give us the strength to do just that! He also has given us an example...remember how Jesus washed the feet of the disciples?? (John 13) Jesus himself had this to say, "Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you." (vs. 14-15)

Servant may not be a job we dreamt of when we were little or one we always enjoy when we're older, but as a child of God it is one He has given to us! And when we do what He has asked we will be blessed!!

J.D. was right - a servant is kind of like a Mom, but more than that a follower of Christ is interchangeable a servant for Christ. How will you serve today??

"Who am I?" - One who needs to trust!!

2011-10-24T22:08:00.002-05:00

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

I'm beginning to believe this is my life verse! It has come up through the years in what the world would call random ways, but I know it's anything but random to God. He uses these words to speak to me and to remind of what I need to do!!

Just the other night He did this again...for the last 2 years I was part of the Rise and Shine Women's Retreat leadership team, but last winter God called me to step away from a position He had used and I had enjoyed. Through the year I've kept in touch with the team and prayed for the event, but as it nears I have found myself missing what was and wondering, "Why?"

Practically I know why - I'm a busy mom and wife...planning a retreat takes a lot of time and energy, something that was lacking with a newborn this past July. Honestly I also know God clearly called me to step down, but still it's hard at times.

So this past Thursday night I received the list of names and promises I'd agreed to pray specifically for leading up to this year's retreat and God got my attention again. My name was "randomly" placed under Proverbs 3:5-6, the same promise I'd "randomly" selected out of a basket at last year's retreat.

I was like, "Wow God!" and moved on with the prayers, but through the night I thought about this more and more. I found myself wondering why this verse again. Then my mind would shift as I reflected on all God had done at Rise and Shine the previous two years and anticipated how He'd work this year as well. These thoughts then led me to that place of feeling like I was missing out...like if God wasn't using me for this BIG event, I was on a vacation or something. Thankfully I didn't follow this down my typical dead end trail to doubt, but instead returned to the promise that has been chasing me around!!

I went to sleep not knowing the why's, but there was peace and I chose to do what God's Word said, "TRUST!!" And friend, I have to say God responded in a fast and BIG way!

The very next day, the kids and I were doing some reading when my little peanut (Jaylyn, age 4) sat on the couch beside me with her sister's old Awana book. She wanted me to read the story with the snake picture. I had my agenda with more school work to do, dinner to make and probably a diaper to change (and in my mind I might have even grumbled a bit), but I knew this wasn't the time for my "we'll do it later" response.

So we get into the story and it's all about the Israelites complaining and whining (I'm thinking OK God, I get it!! And praying the kids do too!!) We read on and the story closes with Moses lifting up the serpent and then the final two sentences say this, "Many years later, God lifted up Jesus on the cross. If we believe (trust) in Jesus, we will be saved from our sin and live forever with God."

The story ends and typically I'd be on to the next thing, but God kept me still and moved my eyes to the question on the bottom of the page. I look at my little Jaylyn, who's snuggled in beside me with her big brother to her right, and ask, "Have you trusted Jesus as your Savior?"

She shakes her head no, so we talk about what that means. I talk...she listens. I ask questions...she answers. We talk about Jesus knocking on the door of her heart and she says, "I want to let Him in."

We pray. She tells Jesus, "I know I'm bad and I know you died for me. I want you to live in me. Come in. I love you." We say, "Amen" and open our eyes - she is grinning and I'm crying. Her big brother who's observed all of this simply says, "I bet they're celebrating."

Jaylyn then asks, "Who??" And big sis says, "In heaven, they are having a party!!" She smiles again and decides we better make cupcakes!!

We had reason to celebrate...a child taking a step towards owning their faith and choosing to follow Christ!!! And personally I felt like having a party too, God clearly showed Himself faithful to me! Twenty four hours prior to this, I'd let myself think I wasn't doing much for God, then He reminds me to TRUST and look what He does!! He brought 3 John 1:4 to life, "I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth."

Friends, His ways are not our ways...they are so much better!! May we keep walking in them!!!!

"Who am I?" - A Disciple

2011-10-23T21:38:00.002-05:00

Today in church I was given a new answer to our question...when I ask, "Who am I?" God wants my life to give the answer disciple. Think about this for a minute, when I think of the word "disciple" my mind instantly goes to the 12. Those who Jesus sought and called, spent time with, taught and prayed for, but today our pastor dug into this word a bit more.

Tonight I want to do the same, so let's begin with the definition - Webster had this to say, "one who accepts and assists in spreading the doctrines of another. According to Word IQ, disciple comes from the Latin word that means pupil. They go on to define our answer with this, "one who receives instruction from another; a scholar; a learner; especially, a follower who has learned to believe in the truth of the doctrine of his teacher."

So what do you think? Are you a disciple? Like our pastor said living as a disciple is more than going to church on Sunday. A disciple is a follower, one who sits at Jesus feet and listens to what He has to say. But this individual doesn't stop with hearing, a disciple lives what they have learned and then share what they believe.

Is that who you are?? I can ask you that question, but I believe it's more important for us to turn to God and ask Him to tell us who we are and as we listen we will hear Him say, "You are my disciple!!"

Now as you think about this role, take a minute and listen to what Jesus has to say to His disciples (that would be you and me) - "Then the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain where Jesus had told them to go. When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted. Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Matt. 28:16-20

Friend, this isn't a role to take lightly...as He defines us, He is calling us.

"Who am I?" - Using the past for the present...

2011-10-22T21:36:00.000-05:00

In March of 1976, a child was born, she was the daughter of Dan and Judy. In the years to come she became a sister to Jamie and Jenny. She would spend her time as a student and athlete, then later as a teacher and coach. In 2001, she became a wife and a couple of years later she was blessed to be a Mom.

These words sum up my life in a few short phrases, but the other day I was thinking how I could write another bio. It goes something like this -

In December of 1999, a child was reborn, she is the daughter of the King of Kings. She's been blessed with many sisters (and brothers too) in the family of God. She spends her time as a student of the Word and she walks in faith like an athlete who strives for their goals while pressing through the pain. As a woman of faith, she is called to teach others about the Lord she loves. Though she no longer keeps a record of wins and losses in a way, she's still a coach as she sets an example for the eyes that are watching. One day she will take part in another wedding when she becomes the bride of Christ. As a Mom, she not only nurtures her children physically and emotionally, but spiritually as well.

How about you, how has God used who you were to prepare you for who you would become?? Are there any roles from your past that you still play but perhaps in a different way??

Interruption of the 31 Day Journey

2011-10-21T11:33:00.003-05:00

As many of you know this month on my blog I'm taking part in the "31 days of" series. I had planned to look at the idea of identity everyday of October and write about it on my blog, but this journey has been interrupted.

Life happened, there was the usual, cooking, cleaning, schooling and laundry, but we also had the stomach flu, so there was less cooking but more cleaning and laundry!! That's not all that was lacking - there was less sleep and less energy. Then as everyone was regaining their strength, I found myself in the Dr.'s office with an infection. Honestly it was a rough week, but that's not why you are here, so now back to our previously scheduled program -

During this time away from my blog, I've continued to think about the question, "Who am I?" And this morning as I was beating myself up for failing and not following through with this series, I was reminded of the importance of where I find the answer.

You see, sometimes when that question forms in my mind, the answers I hear aren't always good. I can tell myself, "I'm no good. I'm a failure. God can't use me. I'll never be good enough." The list goes on, but I'm sure you get the idea.

Today though as I tried to sort this out in my mind it was as if God whispered to me, "Jill ask me who you are." Then I turned from the lies and doubts to hear His truth - words like chosen, loved, gifted, valued and beautiful came to mind. Words that are good because He is good.

Friend, I've failed, but we all do and like I use to tell my basketball girls, failure isn't in the falling down, it's in the staying down. Today will you join me as we continue to let God define us and wipe yourself off, get up again and seek Him as we journey on. Praying I will be back tomorrow to share more of what He has put on my heart.

Day 17 - "Who am I?" - One with roots

2011-10-17T22:23:00.000-05:00

Roots, what are they? Do you have them?? Better yet do you need them??

Well, let's start at the beginning, according to Webster root means - "the part of a plant, usually below the ground, that lacks nodes, shoots, and leaves, holds the plant in position, draws water and nourishment from the soil, and stores food." Other definitions I read included these words - basic, essential, core and base.

Now onto question 2, anyone who's taken high school biology understands plants need roots, but how does this apply to us as people? As my son said, "It would be kind of hard to get very far with roots coming out of our feet!" But we'll move from the literal conversation and focus on all things spiritual and let me ask you again, "Do you have roots??" Is there something that holds you in position, draws nourishment and feeds you?

Is this something we need?? Yes, yes, yes!! Tonight I just heard Ann Noonan say, "Most of us don't know who we are. We need to get back to our root system. We can do a lot of pruning - change things on the outside, but we need to dig deep in order to get to the root."

There's a lot to her words, but what really hits me is our identity is found in our roots! This makes sense in the plant world, so it's no surprise that it does the same spiritually as well!!

So what are your roots? Where are you planted? How is this connected with who you are? Do you spend more time pruning than you do nourishing and caring for your roots?

As I seek God's answer to my question, one response I've found is, "They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor." (Is. 61:3) I'm far from an expert, but I do know oak trees are tall and strong, which can mean only one thing - their roots go deep!

"Lord, please help me pay attention to my roots. May they always be planted in you. Remind me to nourish them and help them grow by spending time with You. As my roots grow, teach me. Lord, teach me who I am. Make me strong, like the oak tree. Help me stand tall."

Day 16 - "Who am I?" - Thought for the Day

2011-10-16T21:38:00.002-05:00

"A personal relationship with God sets us free to be all we were created to be. As children of God we were designed to find our identity, our significance, and our confidence in Him. When we respond to God's invitation and accept Jesus' gift of salvation, we don't just accept a new philosophy of life. We establish a personal relationship with our Creator, the One who knows us and accepts us fully, but who also desires our transformation so we can become all He created us to be." From A Confident Heart by Renee Swope

Day 14 - "Who am I?" - Where the journey begins...

2011-10-14T22:04:00.001-05:00

As I walked down our gravel road, my mind began to reflect on all that God was doing in my life and honestly I was amazed. He was doing things I never expected and at times ones I didn’t feel I deserved. I thought about the privileges and responsibilities He had given to me as a wife and Mom, along with my role on a women’s ministry team. On top of this I was in the process of publishing a book. Personally I did not feel worthy and on that lonely, quiet country road I can remember saying to God, “Who am I? Why are you blessing me? Why are you using me?”

Instead of an answer to my question, God shifted my thinking with the same three words as He whispered to my heart, “Jill, Who am I?” From that point on, He’s been showing me the only way to truly understand who I am begins first with knowing Who He is and knowing Him in a personal way.

For years, I didn’t understand this and perhaps you can relate. I grew up going to church and believed there was a God, but that was as far as it went. During that time in my life, the God I knew was a distant figure who was keeping score of all I did right and especially all I did wrong. As a child I sang, “Jesus Loves Me,” but the feeling I most often associated with God was fear.

In my high school and college days, I sensed God was there, but still believed I needed to earn His love and most days felt I wasn’t worthy of His approval. Though I lived with that hole in my life, I walked through most days with a smile on my face, all the while hiding the hurt in my heart.

I don’t specifically remember asking the question, “Who am I?” but I know it was part of my inner struggle. As a teen and young adult, I struggled with depression and loneliness, two battles that God eventually used to draw me to Himself. Through a series of events and some fellow members of God’s family, God revealed Himself to me in a powerful and personal way.

It was then, in my early twenties when I took the first step to really answering the question that we all ask. The only reason I was able to start this process was because I finally realized where the answer was found. My roles, friends, family, success, effort, nothing but God Himself could define who I was. And friend the same is true for you! How have you answered the question, “Who am I?” Let me encourage you to look to God for an answer to your question!

Day 13 - "Who am I?" One in need of healing...

2011-10-13T14:27:00.002-05:00

The stomach flu has hit our house, thankfully I'm the one hurting the most and I'm grateful for the help I've received with the kids. This morning while I was feeling terrible, our 31 day journey came to mind.

At that moment, the only answer I had was, "I am sick and in need of healing!" Those words described who I was for the last 10 hours, but they've been true for me before today. How about you? Have you ever been sick? Are you in need of healing??

In a physical sense, I could answer yes to both of those questions, but let's focus on something that can hurt even more, "Spiritually, how are you feeling??"

As you think about your answer take a minute and let these words sink in, "On hearing this, Jesus said to them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” (Mark 2:17)

Friend if you are in need of healing, He can do it! Turn to Him, receive what He has for you and let Him make you well!!

Day 12 - "Who am I?" - Me, a soldier??

2011-10-12T21:58:00.000-05:00

"I may never march in the infantry,
ride in the cavalry,
shoot the artillery,
but I'm in the Lord's Army,
Yes, Sir!!"

Do you remember those words? Or perhaps you've heard your children sing them? It's a song my children love; they sing it with joy, excitement and a smile on their face. The actions are fun and the tune is catchy, but what about the message? What do these words mean?

Honestly I'm thankful, I don't have to march in rank - I'd be the one turning right when everyone else was going left!! And shooting artillery, let's just say my son laughs when I shoot his BB gun because I close my eyes!!

This song says I may never do all these typical "soldier" things, but I am in the Lord's Army!! So what does that mean?

In order to answer that question, my mind asks,"Why do we need an army? Because there is a battle!" And when we choose to follow Christ, we are signing up to serve!

Perhaps like me, you've never defined yourself as a soldier, but friend just like the children's song says, we are in the Lord's Army!! Though the song is fun and catchy, the reality is being a soldier is hard work.

Paul paints a picture of what it's all about, "Join with me in suffering, like a good soldier of Christ Jesus. No one serving as a soldier gets entangled in civilian affairs, but rather tries to please his commanding officer." (2 Timothy 2:3,4)

I don't know about you, but suffering wasn't on my mind when I accepted Christ as Savior. Soldier wasn't one of the labels I anticipated receiving, but God's word tells me differently. And as I journey on, experience tells me it's true - there is a battle, I have an enemy and he is roaming around ready to attack. (1 Peter 5:8)

Friend, we must be aware of this - it will happen, it is happening and the more we seek after Him and try to serve Him, the stronger the attacks become!!

Like any good soldier, let us prepare ourselves and put on the armor!! Take a minute and read what Paul tells us, then equip yourself!!

"Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people." Eph. 6:13-18

As a soldier, remember we are "more than conquerors" (Romans 8:37), may that encourage us to always respond with the same enthusiasm my kids do - when the commander gives us our orders let us eagerly and confidently say, "Yes Sir!!"

Day 11 - "Who am I?" - Not just another face in the crowd!

2011-10-11T20:03:00.002-05:00

Today I was reminded of a post I wrote earlier this year and God's put it on my heart to share it once again, so I apologize if you've read it before, but perhaps like me you needed to read it again!!

I'm not sure about you, but for me God has bringing the idea of identity to mind quite a bit here lately. That's a good thing because remembering who I am is critical if I want to be who He made me to be!

As this topic has come to mind, I've thought of an answer I've given quite often to the question, "Who am I?" Through the years as this search for identity has taken place, in my mind I know I've asked myself the question and replied, "just Jill." With these two simple words I meant - I'm nobody special, I'm not popular, I really don't matter, I'm nobody important - you get the idea, I really didn't see much value in myself. I'd come to measure my worth by my achievements, appearance and acquaintances. As I played the comparison game I never measured up and merely saw myself as "just Jill."

I never really thought much about this until a friend responded to a message I left on her voice mail. I had simply left a message I'd probably left with hundreds of times - "Hi! It's just Jill, I was calling to..." Anyway this friend responded with words I have yet to forget! When the two of us finally connected, she opened the conversation with and I quote, "Don't ever say you are 'just Jill' again!" I heard her mother voice come out as I felt her scolding me!

We went on to have quite the conversation about how God sees us, how I am not 'just Jill' to Him. And friend if you've ever thought this way, today I pray you will know you are not just "insert your name" to God. He knows you and He knows me, chances are better than we know ourselves!! He created us and formed us uniquely and knows us by name! A name that is engraved on His hands. Let that soak in for a minute - He knows you!! Thus He, our Lord, our Savior, our Father, knows the answer to our question, so let's keep seeking HIM!!

Honestly that conversation with my friend changed my thinking, I don't believe I've ever left that message again, though there have been times I've felt like it. But what always jumps out at me is when I hear others say the very same thing on my voice mail or in a conversation. Really my heart breaks and I quietly think, "Don't say that! You are not just another name!"

As I wrap this up, the word 'just' really hit me as God brought to mind another answer I've given to our question. When I left my teaching position 8 years ago, I often found myself responding with these very words, "I'm just a Mom." Believe me, I know better now, but that's a conversation for another day, so I'll leave you with this, "What just response have you given to the question, "Who am I?"

Day 10 - "Who am I?" - Joy's lesson for the day...

2011-10-10T19:51:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I shared a conversation I recently had with my 6 year old daughter and today we worked on how to respond if that happens again. To recap the story, Joy was hurt when two other young girls said she looked like a boy. She was hurt, I was hurt, but we've both learned a lesson.

That night as Joy shared her experience with me, I was determined to not let these lies and doubts (On a side note if you need help with this read Renee Swope's book, A Confident Heart) take root in Joy's heart like they had done in mine many years ago. This thought of roots led to another, my friend Kimberly is also doing a 31 day series; hers is titled, "Rooting Deeper." Her words have blessed me. (They'd bless you too, so visit her blog, "A Planting of the Lor d" sometime soon!!)

Anyway my teacher mind got going and I thought how can I get Joy (and my other children) to understand this better. So today, the kids helped make a tree to put up on our school room wall. The entire time they were cutting and gluing, making branches, roots and dandelions, questions were being asked, "Why are we doing this? What is this for?" and on and on.

After talking about trees, I asked, "How are we like a tree?" The responses were varied with a few being quite interesting and then our lesson began.

We all gathered around our newly decorated school wall and I shared Joy's recent experience with all the kids. I asked, "Is she a boy?"

Her 4 year old sister looked at me like I'd lost my mind and said, "No!"

I responded, "Jaylyn, you are right! So were those words about Joy true?" Again I hear, "No." So I ask, "What is the opposite of the truth?"

My 8 year old answers, "A lie." And little Jaylyn adds, "They are bad!!" "Right again, a lie is bad, kind of like weeds in the garden or dandelions around the tree."

We then turned our attention to the tree that had caused so much curiosity. Only now there were words on the dandelions (as you can see art is not my strong point - they are the yellow lollipop looking things!!) and on some of the roots.

We talked how we are like a tree and our roots are what make us strong and help us grow and stand tall. But sometimes things happen in our hearts just like they do on the other side of the window - weeds creep in and mess things up.

So I asked, "What do we do with weeds in the garden?" Three little voices tell me, "We pull them out!! "Right again! So Joy why don't you come up here and pull out this weed!!" She thought that was great!!

But there was more, I went on to share when the weeds aren't there, the roots have a better opportunity to grow. Then we focused on one root specifically, one that said, "Let the king be enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord." Psalm 45:11

We read the verse, talked about what it meant and Joy added some construction paper so the root could grow!! I pray the one in her heart grew as well!!

Minutes ago I asked Joy what she thought about our tree or what this meant to her...this is what she had to say, "Somethings that people say might make me cry, but they're a weed. I need to think about that and try not to cry and remember God made me. My roots need to grow and that's stuff that is really true cuz He thinks I'm beautiful just like you think that too."

We ended the day with a new picture, one without weeds, but ladies I believe we all know the ones in our heart grow back faster than the ones in our garden!! May we all remember to weed them out, so our roots can grow and we can be who God made us to be!!

Day 9 - "Who am I?" - This matters...

2011-10-09T06:43:00.003-05:00

Joy (6), "Momma, 2 girls at Awana's were laughing at me." I respond, "How do you know they were laughing at you?" "They were whispering and they pointed at me. Then they said I look like a boy." Tears fall before she can finish her sentence and mine begin before I start my response. She then continues, "It hurt my feelings and made me want to cry, but I didn't want to cry in front of them."

Last night's conversation was hard and it hurt. Why? I never want to see my little ones in pain, physical or emotional. And two, this took me back, Joy was verbalizing a situation I understand all too well. I've been there and though I hate too say it, sometimes I still go there.

No, this Mom of 5 hasn't been called a boy lately, but I do put too much value on what others think and at times find my identity in what they say. Which brings me to this series and the realization that it does matter.

You see just yesterday I found myself wondering, "Why am I doing this?" Honestly, though I find myself writing posts in my head quite often, I don't have much time to sit and put them on the computer. Then when I do, I can find myself wondering, "Why? Does anyone even read this?"

I had these thoughts and then God reminded me of our conversation before the month began, I hesitated signing up for this "31 days of" group. But God convinced me to do it, not because of the 100's (or 1) who would visit my blog, but for what He had to say to me.

Last night after my little heart to heart with Joy, I was reminded I have much to learn. This series about "Who I am" is important, I need to know (and my kids do too) who I am in Christ.

Stop by tomorrow if you want, Joy and I will be digging a bit deeper and sharing what God has to say to us!!

Day 8 - "Who am I?" - One who falls apart...

2011-10-08T14:23:00.003-05:00

"One who falls apart" - I don't believe any of us want that to describe who we are, but if we are honest I think we all know it is true. Perhaps not on a daily basis, but it happens. Sometimes in big ways and others small, but regardless of what it looks like, the truth is it happens.

We are human and life is messy, sometimes we respond well and others, well we react in ways we are not proud of, we fall apart.

I'm not sure about you, but I don't like when this happens. I can visualize my little one building a tower of blocks - they work hard, they concentrate and spend a lot of time, but then it falls apart. They are frustrated, upset and want to quit. And in our house, when their siblings tower still stands, sometimes they feel like they're not good enough.

When I fall apart, I can relate to what my children experience. And it's that last thought that is the hardest - feeling I'm not good enough. But friends, let's take our eyes off ourselves and how we feel and consider falling apart from a different perspective.

Falling apart is something God can use. He has used my trials to teach me and through my falls He's proven He will lift me up. My pain has drawn me back to Him.

Join me for a minute and think about what happens when something is broken in your house. Let me give you an example, in the Beran house when something breaks our little ones immediately come to my husband or myself with the broken pieces and expect us to fix it. Thankfully most of the time that works, but if not we can take it to someone who can. Perhaps someone who created the item in the first place.

Friend, the same is true for us when we fall apart. We take what is broken and give it our Father, the One who created us and knows how to fix it. Our falls and falling aparts take us back to Him.

If our falling apart is the result of sin, we should "feel" bad, but as we seek forgiveness and repent God can make things new. If our falling apart is because of the hard reality of life, we will hurt, there will be pain, but God is bigger than that and provides peace that surpasses all understanding. Regardless of the why's of our falling apart, God is a God who doesn't change and works all things together for good!! (Romans 8:28)

To close I'd love to share the words of Josh Wilson's song, "Fall Apart." He sums it up quite well!!

Why in the world did I think I could
Only get to know you when my life was good
When everything just falls in place
The easiest thing is to give You praise

Now it all seems upside down
‘Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when I fall apart

Blessed are the ones who understand
We’ve got nothing to bring but empty hands
Nothing to hide and nothing to prove
Our heartbreak brings us back to You

And it all seems upside down

‘Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when I fall apart

I don’t know how long this will last
I’m praying for the pain to pass
But maybe this is the best thing that
Has ever happened to me

My whole world is caving in
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when
You will find me when I fall apart

Day 7 - "Who am I?" - A song with the same title...

2011-10-07T23:24:00.006-05:00

Casting Crowns has a song with the title "Who am I?"  Take a minute and read the words, the give
us a glimpse of what really matters when we think about the question!!

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I,
that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what
You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours,
I am Yours

Who am I,
that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
and watch me rise again
Who am I,
that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours
I am Yours

Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
'Cause I am Yours
I am Yours

Now that you've read the words here's a link to hear them!!

Day 6 - Am I educated or equipped??

2011-10-06T05:40:00.002-05:00

It's only day 6 of our month long journey and I'm already amazed at what God has been putting on my heart. Over the last few days Acts 4 has been referenced at least 3 times, so today I've decided to dig into that a bit deeper.

We begin with Peter and John sharing the message and many believing. The next day they are brought before the Sanhedrin and asked, "“By what power or what name did you do this?” (Acts 4:7) In verse 11, Peter responds, "It is by the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, whom you crucified but whom God raised from the dead, that this man stands before you healed."

These verses set the stage for what God has put on my heart and is another answer He's given to my question. Verse 13, the one that's been rolling around in my head says this, "When they saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and they took note that these men had been with Jesus." (NIV)

The word "unschooled" really jumps out at me - the former honor roll, Dean's list girl who went on to be a teacher and currently instructs my own children. The NLT uses untrained while the KJV describes Peter and John as unlearned and ignorant men. So what does this mean for me? What does this have to do with you?

If my children read this it doesn't mean we are throwing our school books away, but it does mean we need to remember to use one book day after day, year after year! The Bible may not educate us or prepare us for calculus like algebra will, but it will equip us for a life that makes a difference!

What about you, are you feeling unschooled or untrained today? Don't let that keep you from what God is asking you to do! Spend time with Him and He will make a difference in you and through you just like He did with Peter and John!!

Day 5 - A girl who is growing up...

2011-10-05T14:55:00.002-05:00

Recently my 8 year old son and I had an interesting conversation. It revolved around the idea of maturing, and he was struggling a bit with how somethings didn't just come natural for him. I tried explaining to him that it was a process and how sometimes he has a choice. I asked him, "When it's bedtime what do you need to do?" He answered, "Brush my teeth, pray and go to bed." Then I asked, "Is that what you did tonight?" "No." We went on to talk about how part of growing up is learning to make the right choice and doing it with consistency.

That night as I reflected on our conversation, I was grateful for my little guy's heart, one that is maturing before my very eyes. J.D. knows what is right and what is wrong, but sometimes chooses to do wrong. (What does Proverbs say about the foolishness of a child??) He can recite our family slogan, "Obey right away," but isn't always quick to live it out. He has a heart that loves the Lord and has a hunger for His Word, but understands it's easier to say I want to be like Jesus than actually do it.

As I thought about these things, I realized it was all true for me as well. And it should be, when God answers my question, He tells me I am a child, His child! So to phrase that a bit differently, I am a girl who is growing up.

Just like J.D. expressed the other night sometimes this process is hard, sometimes I fail, many times actually, but I have a Father who loves me and is way more patient with me than J.D.'s mother is with him!! In the way I want and try to equip my son to grow up and be all he can be, God does the same for me. He will be my strength, He offers me His wisdom and He gave me an example to follow!

But just like J.D., I have a choice! I must listen for my Father's voice and if I want to mature I need to obey Him. In the process of growing up I must leave childish ways behind. 1 Corinthians 13:11 says, "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me."

At the age of 8 my son realizes this is hard and I agree with him! How about you?? Today what one thing can you do to show who you are, a girl who is growing up and becoming more like Christ??

Day 4 - Me, A Sheep??

2011-10-04T15:41:00.004-05:00

Growing up I lived on a farm where we raised sheep. I've fed them, helped shear them and trained them for the fair. Recently, I've helped care for orphan lambs once again as every spring my dad gives a few of them to my children. I guess you could say I have some experience with this cute, woolly animal!

In pictures this four legged creature is cute and in real life they can appear sweet and innocent, but from experience I know they are not the smartest animal. Nor are they brave. And compared to other livestock, they aren't the strongest either.

So when I read God's word looking for an answer to my question and He tells me, "I am the sheep of His pasture" (Psalm 100:3), I stop and wonder a bit. Me, a sheep? Really??

I type these words and can hear the comedian Ken Davis saying something about sports teams and how we've all heard of the Bears, Wildcats or Gators, but never the Sheep!!

But as I think about the sheep I've cared for over the years - the timid, weak, not always wise woolly animals who are usually quick to follow, but rarely lead I realize He's right (isn't He always!!), I am a sheep!! And friend, if you're looking to Him for answers, He'll tell you the same thing!!

Rather than focusing on what this says about us, let's take a minute and remember what it says about HIM!! If I am a sheep, HE is my shepherd!! He will provide. It's Him I can follow. He will protect. My shepherd will take care of me!!

Though we won't be cheering for the Sheep this weekend at the game, I'm thankful for this answer to my question! I never thought I'd define myself in this way, but since God's ways are not mine, He did! There is a reason, He knows anyone can look at a sheep and see they depend on their shepherd and that's exactly what He created us to do with Him.

So friend, what do you think? Do you see yourself adding this to your bio?? Even if you don't share it out loud when someone asks, "Who are you?" I pray you spend sometime thinking about what God means when He calls you His sheep!!

"Who am I?" - Where do I begin??

2011-10-03T07:08:00.000-05:00

As I was thinking about the month long commitment I've made to ponder the question, "Who am I?", I had one thought where do I begin? It was then Genesis 1:1 came to mind and my mind focused on these 5 words, "In the beginning God created..."

The word created jumps out at me and reminds me of my little Joy, who is constantly being creative. Her skills are improving with each passing year, but I remember the times when I'd look at her drawings and ask, "Tell me about this." Those words were the result of me not knowing what she had created. Though I couldn't always see what she had made, she could tell me exactly what it was.

Friends, God is the same way. He is the One who created us, He knew my days, and yours, before they even began. (Psalm 139:16) He is the One who can tell us who we are!!

Let's turn to Him and ask Him, who He sees when He looks at us? He knows the truth! Let's do that today!! Please feel free to share what He puts on your heart and lets encourage one another with the picture He gives to us!

Day 2 - A Verse for Today

2011-10-02T17:24:00.004-05:00

As we continue on our journey, today I will keep it short! The verse below has much to say, let's think about these words and dig in deeper during the days to come!!

It's in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living. Eph 1:11 MSG

31 Days...

2011-10-01T14:32:00.002-05:00

October has arrived, which means many things, but here on my blog it means one thing...this month I'm joining in with many others at Emily's site to focus in on one thing for 31 days. I'm feeling the nudge to dig deeper and look for more answers to the question I wrote about last spring, "Who am I?" So join me as we do just that! I can't assure what each day, or post, will hold, but I trust God has much to reveal to me, and you, as the month goes by!!

So let's get things started, if I were to meet you for the first time, who would you say you are?? I'll share my answer here and look forward to your answer in the comments!!

"I'm Jill Beran, wife to Job, mom to J.D., Joy, Jaylyn, Jed and Jesse, otherwise known as TEAM Beran! We live on a farm in NE Iowa where we enjoy our days (some more than others)!! I homeschool our oldest while trying to keep our preschooler, toddler and infant entertained as well!! I grew up going to church, but am now thankful for a personal relationship with Jesus and am grateful for a faith that is growing."

So that's a bit about me, but really it is not the focus of the month! "Who am I?" is a question about so much more than what I do or where I live!! I don't know about you, but I'm looking forward to understanding my identity more in the weeks to come!!

Until then, please feel free to introduce yourself!! That way when we turn the calendar, we can look back and see how God has helped us answer our question!!!

Who's your team??

2011-09-14T16:02:00.005-05:00

With football season kicking off, I've heard many people discussing their favorite team - they believe in their team and where the colors with pride. For some it's the NFL, others college or high school, but for the real fan the level doesn't determine their enthusiasm. The fans who are die hards feel as though they are part of the team, they rejoice in the victories and experience the pain of defeat. I know, I've been a sports fan all my life!

But as this season begins, I've been thinking about teams in a whole different way. This past July we were blessed with baby number 5 and as I sat alone with him in the hospital just hours after he was born I had a thought I didn't expect. I'm a former basketball coach, who set aside dreams of a state championship to stay home and raise my children.

Two months ago as I gazed at my new little man, God put it on my heart that I didn't have to let my coaching dreams die, but I had to change the sport we'd be playing. Little Jesse made our starting 5 complete and instead of 3 guards and 2 forwards, I'm coaching 3 boys and 2 girls. No longer am I striving to win a trophy to put on the shelf, but my desire is to store up "treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal." (Matt. 6:20) I used to think it would be work to win that elusive title, but I realize one of my favorite old slogans is even more true - There is NO offseason!!

In the days since penciling in Jesse Clay as starter number five for Team Beran, I've thought of a few things. Many teams I've been a part of have had a team slogan - words that united, phrases that brought focus or sayings that motivated. Team Beran has one as well, I don't believe it's one you will ever see on the back of your favorite team's shirt, but I pray it's something every member of our team believes - Have FAITH and Be CLAY!

As I coach my team, I hope I can teach them to have faith and help them understand that in God's hands we are clay. (And I thought it was a challenge to teach someone how to do a lay-up!) As our season moves on, I'm beginning to realize the challenge doesn't just come with the teaching, but is especially a part of the living. I always took my role as a coach seriously and enjoyed the privilege of impacting young lives while at the same time I valued the responsibility as well. I knew little eyes were watching and I wanted to set an example that was worthy of following. I pray the Lord will give me the same passion with the team I lead now!!

Well there is more to say, but it's time to huddle up the team and tackle the next thing on our game plan!! So as I close, though you will find me cheering for the Vikings, wearing my Hawkeye black and gold, and even standing on the sidelines in Riceville, this year I have a new favorite team...Team Beran!! This bunch doesn't have a mascot or any mega shoe deals, but they are my number one!! How about you, who's your team??

A Winner, another story and some advice

2011-09-06T12:55:00.002-05:00

First of all, I have to apologize for not posting the winner of "A Confident Heart" on Sunday like I had planned. Though I would love to give a copy to each of you, I'm glad to announce that Angie is our winner. I will be in touch with you soon!!

Next I have another story to share, which I pray will encourage you to buy a copy for yourself or borrow it from a friend. This book will make a difference in you and your life. Let me explain -

Friday night my husband, myself and our 5 children attended our local high school's football game. This is the same school I graduated from and later I taught and coached there. Since our town is small, everyone has connections to the school and now as enrollment drops and it's future is unknown people have their opinions as well.

In the last few years my connection to the school has changed...God has put it on our heart to homeschool our children and this is something not everyone understands or supports. As a people pleaser this has bothered me and impacted me. Whenever I was back in the building or around former co-workers I found myself wondering, "what are they thinking?" Even if they didn't question our actions, in my mind I doubted God's call. It always seemed like it would be easier to do what everyone else did.

But God would confirm this time and time again, so I'd fight the doubt and obey. Today marks the start of my 4th year as a homeschooling mom, but Friday night I realized it is the first without fear. That night as we drove away I realized I had visited with many former teachers, parents and community members, but this time something was different - I wasn't consumed with the worry of what they thought or fear of doing the wrong thing.

It was then the idea of confidence came to mind...I had been obeying God, but now I had confidence to do what He called me to do. I honestly believe Renee's book is playing a part in the transformation God is doing in my heart. Friend, I know He can change yours as well!!

If you haven't read the book yet I'd like to share a little advice -
1) Pray first. Don't start without asking God to use this book in your life. Ask to open your ears to what He wants you to hear and strengthen you to walk this road.

2) Take your time. Though it may be tempting to rush through and enjoy Renee's story, may I caution you to slow down so you get God's message. Pretend the words of the book are a tea bag and let them soak!!

3) Be prepared. For the change and challenge that lie ahead. And for the attacks as you embrace God's truth and become who He made you to be - His daughter with a confident heart.

And then don't put your book on the shelf, pick it up and start reading again!!

Remembering...

2011-08-30T21:46:00.002-05:00

August 30th is a day that will always stand out on the calendar for me. Back in 2008, the 30th fell on a Saturday and it's a day I will never forget.

This morning as we read our morning devotions, the events from that day 3 years ago came back to mind. You see we were using the same Bible reading calendar then as we are now, so today as my husband read Luke 22, I vividly recalled doing the same not long ago.

You see it was on that day when we experienced a miscarriage, but as I read from the Word before the Dr. confirmed what I already knew, verse 42 became real personal. I read these words with tears in my eyes, “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.”

His will was done, but this morning as I listened to my husband read verse 43, the very next one, jumped out at me. It says, "An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him." Honestly 3 years ago, I don't even know if I saw those words, but today I did. I have spent some time remembering and reflecting, and God has shown me He responded to me, His daughter, the same way as He did to Jesus, His Son.

I didn't see an angel in physical form, but as I look back and recall the emotions and pain I experienced as I grieved a child I will not hold until heaven, I know He strengthened me. His love held me. His peace filled me. Hope in Him helped me.

Today I've been reminded of the importance of remembering...not just the ones we love and have lost, but remembering the One who loves and saves us when we are lost!!

Oh Lord, help me never forget who You are and help me rest in the truth that YOU are faithful! Thank you for memories, ones that are fun and full of joy, and ones that are of those we miss, but remind me of You.

Friend, what do you need to remember tonight??

"A Confident Heart" Review and Give-Away

2011-08-29T09:11:00.003-05:00

"A Confident Heart" is a newly released book written by Renee Swope of Proverbs 31 Ministries. I have had the privilege (and challenge) of reading this book and want to take a few minutes to encourage you to do the same!!

First of all a bit about the book...from the back cover, "Ever feel like you're not good enough, smart enough, or valuable enough? Renee Swope understands. Even with a great family, a successful career, and a thriving ministry, she still struggled with self-doubt. Sharing her own personal story, Renee shows you how to rely on the power of God's promises to find the security you need and the confidence you long for!"

What do you think? Are you interested? Does this sound like a book you want to read?? If your answer is yes, scroll to the bottom of this post for a chance to win a copy, but if you're still not sure, read on...

Now for my review...when Renee asked me to read an early copy of ACH, I was thrilled! I have enjoyed her blog for years and appreciated the times I've heard her speak, so I knew her message was one I needed. After sending her my yes, Renee responded with, "I pray this book encourages your heart." Instantly I had the thought, "I pray this book changes my heart."

I knew her story would be encouraging, but my problem is I've read many encouraging stories and I wanted more, I needed more. You see doubt could be my middle name and I think Thomas could have been my brother! I knew it was time for a change and I believed God could do that through Renee's book.

So I jumped into the book with excitement and enthusiasm, eager to see how God would answer my prayer. After the first few chapters, I found myself realizing that I was not alone! As I read Renee's story, I read much of my own - depression, never being good enough, the comparison game, feeling empty, failure... I could relate and found relief, but then I read on.

About halfway into the book I realized our stories were no longer the same. As Renee wrote about living beyond the shadows of her doubts, I knew I was still standing in mine. Honestly there were times I wasn't sure I would finish the book - sometimes the truth hurts and this book is full of truth!! But in the end the truth always helps and friend, I promise if you read this book, you will be helped!!

I could write for days about how "A Confident Heart" has helped me, but instead I want to share a quick story...

Just two days ago my little Joy (my 6 year old daughter who is sometimes too much like her mother) was in tears. I asked what was wrong and she gave me the answer I know all too well, silence, only to be followed by "nothing" when I asked again. It was then her little sister says to me, "Joy said she is dumb." As we talked, she couldn't tell me why she was dumb or what made her feel this way, but having said those same words and others like them, I felt I knew what was going on.

One thing Renee writes about is AM/FM thoughts. Take a minute and think about the last thought you had of yourself and ask yourself this question, "Was it for me or against me?" This may sound like a simple task, but do it often enough and you may begin to see a pattern. I know, that happened to me and all too often my thoughts were of the AM type - they were Against Me, not For Me. I'm sorry to say there was no static on this station; the negative message was all too loud and came through much too clear. The problem with this is - how a women thinks is often how she lives.

So back to Joy, eventually I asked her, "Who said this? Who told you, you were dumb?" She didn't know, so I went on to share how this wasn't true, how it was a lie and we have to make a choice not to listen to the lies. We talked a bit more and replaced that lie with truth. She even said, "I guess if I don't know how to do something, I can just learn." Then she smiled and returned to the life of a 6 year old.

Her tears were gone, but mine had started to fall. I'm grateful to think perhaps my little ones won't have to walk the same road I did - one that was filled with self-doubt and endless AM thoughts. I know they will experience these thoughts, but I'm thankful that as I learn to replace my doubts with God's truth, I can teach them to do the same. There was a time when I didn't know if that was possible, but just like Joy, I'm going to turn the channel and cling to His promise, "I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me!!"

Like I said, "A Confident Heart" has impacted me greatly and I know after reading it you will say the same! So now for the give-away, click on the comment button below and share your thoughts with me - Why do you want to read ACH? or What AM thought do you need to replace? If you do not have a blog account, just click on the comment button and choose to leave a comment as "anonymous." Just don't forget to leave me your name and an e-mail address so I can contact you if you win.

Finally, some links. For another more great thoughts on the book and another chance to win, visit my friend, Kimberly by clicking HERE!

One for you to order Renee's life changing book for yourself. :) Visit the Proverbs 31 store by clicking HERE!!

And the link to Renee's blog, which is always full encouragement.

http://reneeswope.com/

And a thank you to Renee's publishers at Revell Thank you for this copy of the book to give away and for the chance to be a part of Renee's blog tour.

Come back on Sunday when the winner is announced!

Do you ever feel ordinary??

2011-08-16T22:42:00.002-05:00

I came across this poem from a couple of years ago...it was the reminder I needed and thought maybe someone else needed it too!!

"An Ordinary Girl"
My house can be a mess and
sometimes the kids are naughty.
My past is far from perfect and
my mind is full of doubt.
Lord, I'm not qualified and
this is nothing I deserve -
I'm just an ordinary girl.

Then I met her -
the one who has it all together
or so I thought,
but she's not perfect either.
She's had her share of falls and
even questioned her own worth -
She's an ordinary girl.

But God, then there's You -
the Maker of the heavens and the earth.
The One who moves mountains
and has counted every star.
You can use us all,
especially when we're just
an ordinary girl!!

Words brought to life...

2011-08-04T16:00:00.000-05:00

A newborn baby in the house means a loss of sleep (plus many other wonderful things!!), but the other night a truth was brought to life while I was up with our new little man. I was already lacking in the sleep department and the night I hoped would be better, well it wasn't, so I pulled myself out of bed once again and did what I needed to do.

I sat down to feed Jesse and looked for something to pass my time. Rather than opening the book that kept me up longer than my baby did, I pulled our calendar off the shelf and decided to look at what the new month would bring. It was then something caught my attention; no, it wasn't the events scheduled or the first day of school instead it was a verse that instantly took on a meaning that was real!!

The words on our calendar read, "Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good." (1 Peter 2:2,3)

Now, I've read this verse numerous times and heard it as well. I know the point Peter is making, but that night as I sat there with a newborn babe in my arms these words came to life! You don't have to be a Mom to know babies need milk, I really believe that is an understood fact of life. But if you are a Mom, you've experienced the craving newborns have for milk. It feeds them and fills them. Calms them and comforts them. This is what they desire!

This isn't a one time desire either! My little guy craves milk quite often...at times it feels like this is a constant desire and others it seems to be the only desire!!

That night as I sat in the early hours thinking about this I was struck by the contrast in my desires with that of my son. Honestly I wasn't craving spiritual milk at that moment like my son was craving physical milk. And if I'm truthful I don't know if I've ever craved God's Word in the same way my son cried out for his nourishment.

How about you? Do you crave spiritual milk like a newborn baby craves that which sustains him? Remember craving it, isn't enough - my son doesn't stop longing for milk when I pick him up, he is not satisfied until his desire is met. Friend will you join me in being more aware of what we crave? Let's move past realizing we need this spiritual meal and make an effort similar to the one I do with my son, let's get ourselves out of bed and let our Heavenly Father provide the nourishment that only He can.

And then when we're feeling empty, cry out and let Him fill us again!! This strategy works for my son and I know God is a much better parent than me!!!

What words have been brought to life for you recently??

He's Here!!!

2011-07-24T10:37:00.005-05:00

The wait is over...God blessed us with a wonderful gift this past week - Jesse Clay Beran arrived on July 19th at 9:24 AM! He weighed in at 7 pounds 10 ounces and was 21 inches long! He's our number 5, but has already set himself apart with a birth story that is unique!!

We arrived at the hospital Tuesday morning after a quick drive to town - usually it's nearly a 45 minute trip, but this time Job cut it to 30! At 8:55 we spoke with the nurse in the OB department and since all three delivery rooms were full she took us into a family waiting room to get my vitals, but she soon realized things were progressing, so opened the door and informed the others, "We NEED a room!" It was then Job said, "I kind of feel like Mary and Joseph!!"

The nurses responded and a little after 9 we made our way into the new found room! And it wasn't even 25 minutes later when I sat in disbelief with a new little boy in my arms! Once again I was overwhelmed with all God had done...the provision, the details, the gift! He is GOOD!!

We quickly called his big brothers and sisters to share the news, but had yet to name our new little man. In the hours to come, God would give us that as well. We knew it would be a J and had it narrowed down, but eventually realized he was our little Jesse, which means gift. Now 5 days later, I know this is his name...gifts aren't something we expect or get on our own; no, they come from God and for that I am grateful!!

After his first name it was onto the middle, which was a much quicker task! Early on in the pregnancy it seemed God had given me the middle name for either a boy or a girl and as we said, "Jesse Clay" we knew that was the case. Throughout the pregnancy I was reminded that I am nothing but clay in the hands of the Potter and our prayer is little Jesse will one day surrender his life to Christ and allow God to shape him, mold him and use him for His glory!!

Now for a few pics -

Jesse Clay Beran

Job and the Beran Bunch!!
J.D., Joy, Jaylyn, Jed and Jesse

"Look what I found!!"
A picture of peace!

Thanks to all of you for your prayers and well wishes, we are blessed and thankful!!

While I wait....

2011-07-06T14:31:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow we hit 37 weeks in our pregnancy and the waiting game has already begun! The closest we've come to our due date was a week early and the Dr. doesn't expect us to deliver this one July 28th. Today as thoughts about our baby, the delivery and timing distract me I was reminded I have felt this way before.

Back on October 9th of 2009 I was in a similar position - awaiting the arrival of our 4th child when I shared these words...

"I'm beginning to feel I can relate to John Waller's song, "While I'm Waiting" in a whole new way. But really I guess the song relates to any waiting periods we have. In this life we have various situations and circumstances and the last 10 days we've played the waiting game in our house.

You see we are expecting our 4th child on the 29th of this month, but last week after my check-up, the Dr. told me things were progressing. So I travelled home expecting the baby to be born soon...

After a couple of normal days, my patience was growing thin and I was growing frustrated as I attempted to figure out when this little one would arrive. Yesterday I returned to the Dr. and she told me my body is half way there, but yet now 24 hours later nothing has happened.

Now it's not only my patience that is growing thin, but so is that of my oldest 2 kids who are anxiously awaiting their new little brother or sister. Today as I've been frustrated with our time of waiting, I heard the song, I've listened to numerous times, but related to it in a whole new way.

Regardless of why we need to wait, God has a purpose for these minutes, days, weeks and sometimes years. And today He has simply reminded me I'm not the one in control, life isn't about my plans, but His and since they are perfect while I'm waiting I pray this is the song of my heart...

I’m waiting

I’m waiting on You, Lord

And I am hopeful

I’m waiting on You, Lord

Though it is painful

But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident

Taking every step in obedience

While I’m waiting

I will serve You

While I’m waiting

I will worship

While I’m waiting

I will not faint

I’ll be running the race

Even while I wait

I’m waiting

I’m waiting on You, Lord

And I am peaceful

I’m waiting on You, Lord

Though it’s not easy

But faithfully, I will wait

Yes, I will wait

I will serve You while I’m waiting

I will worship while I’m waiting

I will serve You while I’m waiting

I will worship while I’m waiting

I will serve You while I’m waiting

I will worship while I’m waiting on You, Lord."

My Dr. hasn't made any predictions but has reminded me with my history we should be prepared. The words to this song and the memory of a past "wait" remind me God is in control and He is worthy of my worship! Lord, help me, help us all do this!!

"Who am I?" - O-V-E-R-W-H-E-L-M-E-D

2011-07-01T16:46:00.000-05:00

I've been away from my blog for awhile and the title of this post is part of the reason - I have found myself a bit overwhelmed at times! There have been moments this description of me has defined me - not always a good thing, but God has used this to teach me.

You see we are weeks, or possibly days from delivering our 5th child, and though I've known about this and had 8 months to prepare thinking about it still overwhelms me at times. I mean I'm the gal who survived on nutty bars, Diet Mountain Dew and macaroni and cheese my first couple of years out of college. I'm on the verge of being responsible for feeding 5 little ones - that alone is a scary thought!! It's not just the physical feeding (or cost of raising a family) that has consumed me but the spiritual growth and training I'm responsible for as well.

Then there are the events outside the walls of my home as well - the pain, the grief, the sin, the lost, the change...if I allow myself to focus on this in the wrong way the overwhelming feelings intensify! But, the other day as I took a walk down our quiet country road God reminded me being overwhelmed isn't always a bad thing.

Initially this thought surprised me, but then I was reminded of the times God has overwhelmed me and that is a good thing!!! I paused and took a moment to let this thought sink in and as I did I looked out across the field to see our cattle and God reminded me of His, "I have no need of a bull from your stall or of goats from your pens, for every animal of the forest is mine, and the cattle on a thousand hills." (Psalm 50:9-10) The thought of His resources overwhelmed me and took the worry of my lack of them away!!

My lesson in the great outdoors didn't end there, overhead there were birds and I was reminded of the sparrow, "Not even a sparrow, worth only half a penny, can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it. And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to Him than a whole flock of sparrows." (Matthew 10:29-31) God cares about the birds, He sees them fall...though others may be unaware of my struggles, He is in the midst of them. The overwhelming thought of feeling all alone was replaced by awe for the value my Father sees in me!!

Then an internal kick changed the course of my thoughts and God changed the reason for my overwhelming feelings. At times I've focused on the change that lies ahead and the work that mothering 5 children will involve, but as I recalled Psalm 127:3 my perspective changed. These words say, "Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him." I was still overwhelmed, but now it was for a good, Godly reason - the God of the universe has chosen me to be these little ones Mom, that is unbelievable! They truly are gifts I must treasure!!

Thinking about the responsibility these gifts require is a bit overwhelming, but God kept the lesson going as I recalled Isaiah 41:3, "For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." This is not a job I can do on my own and when I think about it that way I am overwhelmed, but knowing God is there and not just offering His help, but assuring me of it, I am overwhelmed for a new reason. A good reason, a Godly one!!

Friend if you find yourself overwhelmed today can I suggest you take your concerns to the Lord, listen to what He has to say. Let Him overwhelm you with His love, His power, His provision and His strength!!

"Who am I?" - A Child

2011-06-15T17:25:00.001-05:00

Have you ever thought of yourself as a child? Perhaps your answer is "Yes, I was a child, but I'm all grown up now." Oh wouldn't it be wonderful if that was the case!! The all grown up part anyway!!

When I think about this one of two things come to mind - pleasant thoughts or ones that can get me down. It really depends on what my children are doing at the time - if they are enjoying a carefree day, living in the moment and loving life the thought of me being a child is wonderful! I recently heard someone say, "Oh to be a kid again..." and I know they were recalling the life free of worry, days filled with fun and no responsibility, the joy of being a child. One who is cared for, given direction and loved simply because they are!

Then there are the moments when my children are being kids - ones who fight, don't always obey and are not quick to listen. The thought of me being a child enters my mind and occasionally I may think, "No, I'm beyond that!" but usually it hits me that the statement is true, in God's eyes I am a child and always will be!! Then I wonder do I frustrate Him like my children can me? I'm afraid I know the answer to that question!!

But rather than focus on my thoughts and answers, let's take a look at God's!! Scripture shows us He defines me, and you, as a child. Not just any child, but His!!

"See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him." 1 John 3:1

Will you take a minute and think about this verse? What does it mean?? For me, the word love jumps out! In 6 weeks or less, I will meet the child I am carrying - one I love! On that special day and in the ones to come, my husband and I will lavish love on this little one because he or she is our child!! Thinking about God doing the same to me, is pretty powerful!!

And now as I meditate on this verse, the next two lines hit me as well - His Word clearly states this is who we are!! I am reminded once again that only God can define me!! The final sentence teaches me as well; sometimes the very fact that I'm God's child will cause confusion because those who don't know Him won't always understand or accept me, His child.

Defining ourselves as God's children does more than create confusion! No, this very fact affects eternity!! God doesn't just call us children, He asks us to believe like them and have faith like a child! What does that mean? We don't need to have all the answers, we aren't required to analyze everything...He asks us to believe!! "Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” Mark 10:15

God also knows there will be times when we behave like the children we are, so just like my children are learning, we must remember our actions have consequences. When my kids sin, they know discipline will soon follow and with God as my Father, I can expect the same!! "Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all." Hebrews 12:6-8

God disciplines me and you because He loves us! As we receive His love and find our identity in our role as His child, we are called and should be encouraged to share that love! "Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." Eph. 5:1,2

As we grow and mature, we should become more obedient. This obedience should lead to a life that makes our Father proud and impacts those around us! "Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.” Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky..." Phil. 2:14-15

Finally simply knowing that we are God's children doesn't paint a real clear picture of the future, there will always be some unknown, but as His children we can rest and be at peace because of this truth - "Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when Christ appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is." 1 John 3:2

Friend, can I ask you a question? What difference does it make that you are a child of God?

We never know...

2011-06-06T14:02:00.003-05:00

Today after a visit on the phone and news that was hard to understand I was reminded that there are many things we don't know and just as many that we cannot control. As I heard about Marcus, a strong, active young man who just celebrated his high school graduation, my heart hurt.

Three weeks ago this young man, whom I use to babysit, was air-lifted to a major medical center with swelling on his brain. The diagnosis was meningitis, treatment given and he returned home. Doctors were amazed at his quick response and recovery.

That was until nearly 10 days later when the symptoms returned and he was again flown away for more help. That was almost a week ago and he's spent most of the time in an induced coma. When he was awake there was pain and I was told the words he speaks are these, "Dad, don't let me die."

As a parent those are hard words to think about; I can't imagine being in his parents' shoes. It's hard enough hearing this from your son, but thinking about the Dr.'s saying something like, "Be prepared for anything, we don't know what lies ahead," complicates things in a big way.

I've thought about this and prayed for Marcus and his family throughout the day and as I've done so I'm reminded of a verse I read this morning. James 4:13-14 says this, "Now listen, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.' Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes."

I know this statement is true, but Marcus's situation really brings the reality of it to life. They have no idea what tomorrow will bring - will it be a miracle, answered prayer or devastating news that changes the future they've always dreamt of? He doesn't know, his parents don't know and even the Dr.'s don't know, but God does.

And friend perhaps our circumstances aren't as scary and life threatening today as they are for Marcus and his family, but it wasn't long ago, actually a yesterday not even a month ago when his family thought their tomorrow would be like all the ones that had already passed. A "normal busy day full of joys and daily trials" never imaging things would be turned upside down by with what initially appeared to be a headache.

We don't want this reality to scare us or cause us to live in fear and worry, but yet it should wake us up because really we are all on the verge of death. Though each and every one of us are in a different place and going in various directions we are all heading to the same destination - end of life as we know it on this earth.

And this reality brings to mind another passage of scripture, “Therefore keep watch, because you do not know on what day your Lord will come. But understand this: If the owner of the house had known at what time of night the thief was coming, he would have kept watch and would not have let his house be broken into. So you also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him." Matthew 24:42-44

I close with a question, "Are you ready? Are your children ready?" because we never know...

And please join me in praying for Marcus, his parents, family, friends and all the Dr.s who are trying to help!!

A little more about love...

2011-06-03T14:37:00.005-05:00

The other day as my daughter rummaged through a cupboard she found a stack of napkins left from our wedding. And as you can see that was nearly 10 years ago!! Trust me they haven't lasted that long because of the lack of mess in our house!! No, I think they were hid away for a reason; as we approach our anniversary God continues to bring the idea of love to mind and this napkin simply holds one more truth He wants me to remember!

This morning I posted these three words as my status on Facebook. Perhaps you'd agree with the ones who "liked" it or maybe you are asking the same question that was left in the comments, "Are you sure?" If that is the thought on your mind, can we talk for a moment? (And even if it isn't I encourage you stay with me as we explore this topic a bit more.)

First of all, I understand why you ask. I mean who wouldn't look around in our world today and wonder if this statement really is true? You or I don't have to look far to see broken relationships, divorce, abuse, the list goes on and it gets more complicated when we realize that some of this pain is created by those who love, or are supposed to anyway.

But this is where we must dig deeper - these three words don't come from me and they are not based on my opinion, but instead are found in God's Word, they are Truth from our Father!

So what does that mean? This love, the love I know never fails, is defined by the creator of the world, not the world. That is a difference we must acknowledge because without that understanding it is impossible to grasp the truth in this short statement.

In our world today, love seems to be situational, something that can come and go. It can be conditional, here today and gone tomorrow. We can wrongly view it as something we deserve or need to earn. It is often experienced as something warm and fuzzy, a good feeling; one that's great while it lasts, but forgotten when the moment fades away.

These examples help me understand why we'd question the statement, "Love never fails." Obviously something that is man made is not permanent, thus it will fail!

And this is where God's definition must come in, 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 says, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

Love is an action, it is something we do and more important than that it is something God did and continues to do!!

1 John 4:9-11, "This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another."

Love never fails because it comes from God, the One who makes no mistakes, the One who's love endures forever!! (Psalm 136:2)

Does that mean over the last 10 years my love has never failed my husband? No!! Not even the last 10 days, but God's love in me (and my husband) has not failed, thus His spirit in us has carried us through the moments we have failed and let one another down.

So friends, I am sure, love never fails!! Today will you receive the love God has for you and then share that with another??

Perhaps you want to take a minute and think about this. I encourage you to pray about it and ask God to help you understand what love really means - He will help you take the next step in understanding a concept that can be difficult to comprehend! Like JJ Heller sings, may we all remember that God is the One who whispers these words to our heart, "I will love you for you; Not for what you have done or what you will become; I will love you for you; I will give you the love, the love that you never knew."

"Who am I?" - A Lady who is Loved

2011-06-01T06:42:00.003-05:00

This is not the post I intended to write this week, but yet it's the one God has on my heart. Love is a topic that has been front and center the last 10 days - two Sundays ago our pastor preached on Colossians 3:14, "And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity," a friend made the following statement, "I pray you will one day realize the depth of our love for one another," on Memorial Day our 6 year old commented that she loved her "sister who was miscarried," I heard of a husband who just doesn't love his wife the same anymore, and our 4 year old puts her hand on my tummy, feels the baby move and loves the little one. And not to be left out, daily my husband tells me he loves me, and shows it too!!

How about you, what role has love played in your life this last week?? Perhaps it wasn't the topic that was talked about in your home, but even without words I'd have to guess it played a part. And actually if you are a follower of Christ, I know it was present, but today I want to ask you a question (or maybe two), ones that have been on my heart this last week.

First of all, "What is love?"

An on-line dictionary defines it as "A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness."

But the Bible which says God is love (1 John 4:16) says this, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

Love really is a big deal, but too often we focus on the worldly definition rather than God's. Love is more than a feeling, something that is subject to change. It's more than chocolate and flowers on Valentine's Day or even a ring and kiss on our wedding day. No, the English teacher in me is quick to realize according to God's word, love is a verb. If you're like my former middle schoolers and need a reminder - that's an action word! Love is something we do!!

As I walk down the road of life and press on in this quest to find God's answer to my question, I'm beginning to realize there are two sides to this action - it involves giving and receiving. Like the old saying, sometimes it is easier to give than receive. But it is hard to give something you don't have, so friend today as a child of God will you receive the love He has for you?

Will you take some time to pray, and when it's just you and God I challenge you to ask the question, "Who am I?" Then quiet yourself to hear His response. When He whispers, the words you dreamt about as a little girl, the ones you longed to hear as a teen, I encourage you to believe HIM. Friend, it's true, as a daughter of the King, YOU are a lady who is a loved!!

What are you afraid of??

2011-05-26T14:22:00.002-05:00

Not long ago, my husband and I were visiting with some young adults - individuals I had once coached, when I caught myself playing the comparison game. These girls were everything I never was, and never will be, and as our conversation took place I found myself wondering what do they think of me?? Thankfully God reminded me that it really didn't matter and I enjoyed our quick visit.

But in the days that have followed God has brought this back to mind a few times and in doing so has reminded me of a poem I wrote years ago. It was from my days in junior high when I idolized the varsity basketball girls and looked to them as my "hero." The lines He quickly brought to mind were -
"I admire you, but yet I'm afraid,
No, not of you,
but what you might think of me."
Thankfully I've moved past the admiration and idolization of people, but this recent experience reveals what I am still afraid of...it's not the fear of death, public speaking or heights, it's the fear of what others think of me.

Let me ask you, "What are you afraid of?" Have you ever struggled with this one? If so, how do you move past it?

Obviously this fear is still part of my life, but I have taken steps in the right direction. Honestly there was a time I buried everything for this exact reason...I didn't want people thinking I was weak, afraid, had failed. Crazy thing is, is that's the truth - I am weak, at times I'm afraid and obviously I have failed.

I can try to hide this from others, but there is still one who sees it all and loves me anyway!! God knows everything about me and that doesn't change the way He thinks about me!!

That alone should motivate me to push past the newest way this fear impacts my life. At times when I feel like I should share my faith or speak up for Christ, my mind reverts to the lines in this poem and I fear what others will think of me. I hear myself wonder things like, "Will they think I'm a Jesus freak? Do they think I'm a bit out there?" If you suffer from this fear yourself you know the lines I'm talking about.

The next time this situation takes place I pray God will remind me of the new line He has put on my heart, "I love them and you do too, so don't be afraid, say what you need to say and remember what I think of you!!!"

"Who am I?" - Others ask the question too!

2011-05-25T14:47:00.000-05:00

As I walked down our gravel road, my mind began to reflect on all that God was doing and honestly I was amazed. He was doing things I never expected and at times pouring out blessings I didn’t feel I deserved. I thought about the privileges and responsibilities He had given to me as a wife and Mom, along with my role on a women’s ministry team. On top of this I was in the process of publishing a book that shared the role of mentoring in my life. Personally I did not feel worthy and on that lonely, quiet country road I can remember saying to God, “Who am I? Why are you blessing me? Why are you using me?”

Have you ever been there? Have you asked the question, "Who am I?" Have you asked God this question? I really don't believe I'm the only one who has, so please if you're part of the group share your story with me!

Today friend, I want you to know that it's not just you and me in this question asking club, because others have done the same.

Will you join me in looking at Exodus 3? Here we find the story of Moses and the burning bush, where God reveals Himself to Moses. But He doesn't stop there, no God calls Moses and instructs him to bring His people out of Israel.

In verse 11 we hear Moses's response, "But Moses said to God, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?” Does that sound familiar?? A child of God questioning his call, ability and perhaps even his worth. I understand and am reminded of not long ago when my 8 year old son said to me, "Mom, you're a lot like Moses!"

Perhaps Moses was the founder of the "Who am I?" club, but he was joined by another great man of the Bible. Now let us turn to 2 Samuel chapter 7 - God has just promised David that He will establish his kingdom, one that will last forever. And how does David respond?

In verses 18 and 19 we read, "Then King David went in and sat before the LORD, and he said: “Who am I, Sovereign LORD, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far? And as if this were not enough in your sight, Sovereign LORD, you have also spoken about the future of the house of your servant—and this decree, Sovereign LORD, is for a mere human!"

I'm not sure about you, but it helps me to know I'm not alone in asking the question, "Who am I?" But I can find even more help as I read on...

Moses, who asked the question because he doubted his ability, heard some encouraging words after voicing his concern to God. Our Father, the creator of the world, had this to say to our frightened friend, “I will be with you. And this will be the sign to you that it is I who have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you will worship God on this mountain.” (Ex. 3:12)

God's response wasn't based on Moses's strengths, abilities or even his weaknesses; instead God knew all Moses needed was His presence! Friend, I believe He says the same to me and you today!!

We can also find insight in the next bit of David's story as well - we left off when David was wondering why God had brought him so far and promised him so much. I believe David is a bit like you and me, well aware of his faults, shortcomings and sin; perhaps he felt he didn't deserve all God was giving. But rather than dwell on this, listen to what David says next, “How great you are, Sovereign LORD! There is no one like you, and there is no God but you, as we have heard with our own ears. LORD Almighty, God of Israel, you have revealed this to your servant, saying, ‘I will build a house for you.’ So your servant has found courage to pray this prayer to you. Sovereign LORD, you are God! Your covenant is trustworthy, and you have promised these good things to your servant. Now be pleased to bless the house of your servant, that it may continue forever in your sight; for you, Sovereign LORD, have spoken, and with your blessing the house of your servant will be blessed forever.” (2 Samuel 7:22, 27-29)

Rather than focusing on himself, David turned his eyes and thoughts towards God. The truth of who God is, reminded him of who he was and when we focus on God, He will do the same for us. That doesn't mean we are deserving of the blessings and gifts He shares, but our God is a giving God and as His children we should receive what He has to offer with open arms rather than endless questions.

These thoughts remind me of a phrase our Pastor likes to use, "God says it, so that settles it!!" Friend, the next time you feel like Moses and question your ability to do what God is calling you to do or feel like David and wonder if you're worthy of what God is giving you, will you join me in embracing the idea my pastor shares? The truth is God will equip you for His calling and because of His grace we will be given blessings and opportunities we don't deserve.

I'd love to hear if you've asked the question, "Who am I?" What answer did God give you?

"Who am I?" - Man's Description vs God's Definition

2011-05-18T06:45:00.000-05:00

Over a week ago on Facebook I posted the following question, "Using one word, how would you describe me??" I greatly appreciated the comments I received and the kindness in which they were given, but God has used them for more than a simple pat on the back. I knew He had a greater purpose - that's why I asked the question, but this morning I've been surprised at what He has had to say.

You see, back in January I posted the same question with the intention of asking it again...basically to prove that man's words can change and we're not always surrounded by the same people. And when I compare the responses from January to May, that's true...only 3 of the 20 plus responses were the same and only one individual commented on both posts.

God clearly showed me what I expected, but like usual He's done so much more. As I reflected on this list of words a few different things came to mind...I thought these people are my "friends", so granted not everyone would be as kind. Some of the comments were left by individuals I see once a week, but most were words from people I don't see very often, which made me think of a story involving Lysa TerKeurst. Last year as we prepared for our women's retreat (where Lysa was our guest speaker) a lady (who was amazed that Lysa was coming to Iowa) said, "You know Lysa TerKeurst is a pretty big deal!!" After sharing that with Lysa, she laughed and simply responded, "Tell that to my kids."

I could do the same and I'm sure, actually I know they could share times when patient, sincere and gracious did NOT describe who I was. All of this reminded me that others don't always know who I am, yes they can see characteristics, but God is the only constant...He knows me. Others can describe me, but only HE can define me.

The other day after helping make rhubarb jam, my oldest two were talking about the recipe - how their aunt might like the jam, but they knew how to make it and what was in it! In a way, I (and you) am like that jam - others may enjoy what I have to offer and appreciate who I am, but God, my creator, is the ONE who knows me and what I'm made of.

Others may describe me as humble, but He sees my heart and knows that is not always the case. Friends may see me as someone who is focused, but He knows the time I've wasted. I could go on, but I think you get the idea - GOD is the only one who can define me, which is why I must continually ask Him who I am!!

Today I'm realizing that there are two sides to that question - sometimes He builds me up with the wonderful answers He shares - I'm chosen, I'm HIS, I'm valued, I'm treasured, I'm beautiful... But there are also times when this question and the answer my Father shares is convicting. I ask Him, "Who am I Lord? Am I humble?" And He shows me what He sees, my heart, one that doesn't always make itself small, one that's not always like Him and that hurts because it is the desire of my heart to be Christ-like.

That's when the grace that flows from our Father comes into play and rather than allowing me to beat myself up with my failure once again, He reminds me of how He defines me - a child that He loves, a daughter whom He forgives and woman who is a work in progress.

I'm grateful for how my friends describe me, but I pray I will continue to focus on and embrace how God defines me!! Will you do the same??

Honoring God

2011-05-17T06:44:00.000-05:00

Honoring God...what does that look like? What does that mean? As I thought about this I was reminded of a statement I heard in an Anne Graham Lotz Bible study. I don't recall if it was Henry Blackaby or Crawford Lorrits, but one of them said, "The greatest honor we can give God is to believe Him." Think about that! What does that statement mean to you???

It says a lot to me...I want to honor God, but at times I get it all wrong. There are moments I think I need to perform, I need to do something, but all He asks of me, and you, is that we believe! When life is hard, when the Dr.'s report isn't what we prayed for, when accidents happen and life ends too fast, when plans fall apart and things don't go like we expect...He wants me to believe! I'm convinced part of that believing is trusting and remembering that He has a plan, He has a purpose and He has a future for me!!

As I walk this road of faith, I pray I will remember how to honor the One who calls me daughter...

"The Greatest Honor"

"Lord, how can I honor you?

Lead a Bible study?

Start a mom's group?

Teach Sunday school?

Love my family?

Be a friend?

If that's not it,

what can I do?"

"Believe - when circumstances make no sense.

Believe - when the future is unknown.

Believe - when the world says doubt.

Believe - when the pain is impossible.

Believe - when my plans aren't what you expect.

My child the things you do

bring me glory,

but the greatest honor you can give is

believe in who I Am."

"She's A Friend"

2011-05-15T16:52:00.002-05:00

“She’s A Friend”
She’s a friend to the young girl
who feels out of place.
Her kind words and caring ways
welcome her.

She’s a friend to her daughter’s coach,
who’s in need of confidence.
Her thoughtfulness and reassurance
encourage her.

She’s a friend to the one
who is hurt.
Her compassionate heart and loving spirit
comfort her.

She’s a friend to the new Mom
who doesn’t know what to do.
Her honest example and Godly advice
guide her.

She’s a friend to the quiet girl
who’s afraid to open up.
Her shared struggles and admitted mistakes
strengthen her.

She’s a friend to the woman in her 30's
who has a fear of failure.
Her listening ear and their time together
change her.

She’s a friend to her daughter
who sometimes has doubts.
Her constant prayers and walk of faith
inspire her.

She is a friend to God
because she knows His Son.
Her helping hand and grateful heart
glorify Him.

A special thanks to all my friends out there!! You are each a blessing!!

A Mother's Day Give-Away

2011-05-06T06:07:00.003-05:00

Mother's Day is upon us and my little ones have been giving me newly colored pictures and hand picked dandelions for the last three days! This day truly is set aside to give thanks - none of us would be here without our moms. A Mom's impact really can't be measured and it lasts a lifetime! In honor of this special day, I'd like to give one of you something, and don't worry I haven't been coloring and I won't send you a bouquet of dandelions! Instead in celebration of Mother's Day, I'm giving away a copy of "Letters from Leanne - The Beauty of a Spiritual Mother-Daughter Relationship."

To enter, simply leave a comment with your email and an answer to this question, "How has your mom or "another Mother" impacted you in a spiritual way?" I look forward to hearing your thoughts and will share more of mine on Monday when the winner is announced!

Happy Mother's Day to all of you and a special blessing for those who assist in the motherly role as Aunts, neighbors and friends!!! God uses you in a special way too!!

"Be who you are!!"

2011-05-04T06:52:00.002-05:00

Over the past couple of months I've been writing a series titled, "Who am I?" During that time I've been doing a lot of thinking and digging into God's Word. I've also been able to read a wonderful new book by Renee Swope, "A Confident Heart," which God has used to challenge and change me.

But this past week in church I was reminded that I have a ways to go - knowing who I am is not enough, I must be this person...at...all...times. Our pastor gave a sermon titled, "Be who you are." His message focused on Colossians 3:12 "Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience." The message He brought was powerful and convicting, but God has used those four little words to remind me of even more these last few days.

It's one thing to know who I am, which I believe really is a never ending journey as I daily walk in faith, but I'm beginning to realize the more I learn about God and the closer I get to Christ the more I know about myself. And the thing is God doesn't just want me to know these facts and truths, He wants me to believe them, He desires for me to live them.

Let me explain...just last week I posted, "A Confident Heart - The Before and After Look" - words that shared the impact Renee's book had on me and my heart. The words I shared are true, God is changing me and answering my question - He is telling me who I am!! I am His child! A daughter who is holy, chosen and loved!! A daughter He forgives and has made new!

Since that is who I am, that is who I need to be, but late last week that wasn't happening - I found myself listening to lies, I willfully played the comparison game (and lost), I worried, I found myself overwhelmed and trying to take things into my own hands.

Looking back I realize instead of being who I am, I was living as who I used to be - the quiet kid with a fear of opening up, the good girl who put on a smile to hide the pain and the lonely child who isolated myself. I was the approval addict playing the comparison game and the consecutive losing streak assured me I was the weakest link. And after this cycle of events, I found myself back at the before picture - I was Ms. Doubtful.

THANKFULLY GOD works in wonderful ways, first of all though the lies were screaming (even louder than my 4 children!!) He kept whispering to my heart. His truth reminded me of His promises. Then He blessed me with a song, I know I've heard numerous times, but one that He personally spoke through on our way to church, "Beautiful" by Mercy Me. This line specifically hit hard, "For all the lies you've held inside so long, But they are nothing in the shadow of the cross." Yes, I knew I was listening to lies - the "you're not good enough, you're a failure, someone else could do it better...", but knowing they were lies wasn't enough, I had to let them go and drown them with Truth. As the song continued God reminded me of some of those powerful truths, "You are made for so much more than all of this, You're beautiful! You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His."

All these truths are good things, God honestly feels this way about me, and friend about you too, but if we stop at simply knowing them it really doesn't do much good. For us or God. We need to believe them, and then like my pastor said, we must be who we are - God's chosen people, ones who are holy and loved!!

Believe me I know it can be easier to live how we've always lived; it's work to replace lies with Truth, but God didn't call us to be His child to walk an easy road and on this journey He promises to always be near. So today I challenge you to make the choice to embrace who God says you are and then live like you believe it is true!! Friend don't allow yourself to be comfortable with who you've always been, we were made for more!! And like me, don't fear change more than you fear God - I know it's hard, but He is worth it!!

Today may we not only remember 2 Corinthians 5:17, but more importantly live it out!! "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!"

No Turning Back

2011-04-28T16:26:00.004-05:00

Today as I read, "What Happens When Women Walk in Faith" by Lysa TerKeurst I was reminded of something He showed me 3 years ago when I read this same book for the first time. I captured this lesson in words and actually posted it on my blog in July of 2008, but since it spoke to me today, I thought it might do the same for you!

Today, Joy, my second child and also our little miss independent was determined to ride her bike without training wheels. So J.D., our 5 year old mechanic willingly removed the extra wheels and encouraged his little sis!

After moments of frustration, I suggested possibly putting the training wheels back on, after all she is only 3!! But my little princess/tomboy, who believes she can do anything her big brother can, wanted nothing to do with that!

She had been able to ride with me getting her started and believed with enough determination she could do it herself. She wasn't turning back even if it meant a skinned up knee!

As I watched her persevere, I thought of Lysa's words, "starting something new begins with leaving something old." That was true for Joy today, just like it is for me as I walk the path God has paved.

Sometimes it is hard, I think I can't, I worry about falling and getting hurt, I wonder what others will think, but just like my little girl I have to make a choice. No matter what might happen, I have to do what God calls me to do. Sure I might crash, but she reminded me I can get back up, brush it off and try again. She even went so far after one fall to stand up, smile and say, "There's not even any blood!!"

My little Joy encouraged me today - after an hour she was making skid marks just like her brother, but Lysa's comment about God filling in the gaps was the icing on the cake. I know my confidence and belief in myself can only take me so far and when I reach the limit it is wonderful to know God will cover the rest.

In the past year I sense He has done that and it's wonderful to look back and see what He has done. His faithfulness in the past offers wonderful hope for the future!!

Friend as we walk in faith, may we remember to keep our eyes on Him and simply take one step at a time as we journey down the road of life!!

Jesus replied, “No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.” Luke 9:62

A Confident Heart - The Before and After Look

2011-04-27T06:45:00.006-05:00

Nearly two months ago, Renee Swope asked if I'd like to read an early release of her book, "A Confident Heart - How to Stop Doubting Yourself and Live in the Security of God's Promises." I knew this was a message I needed, so I instantly responded "Yes, count me in!!" In her email she wrote, "I'm praying this book will truly bless you!" My response was this, "I know the book will bless me; my prayer is that it will change me." You see I've followed Renee's blog, appreciated her P31 devotions and had the privilege of working with her for our women's retreat - I knew God would bless me through her book as well. But I didn't just want to read about a confident heart, I wanted one for myself, so before I even opened the book I prayed for change. Now after reading the final page, I realize God has been answering my prayer.

I'll give you a look for yourself, I don't have pictures like a weight loss plan or make-over, but, I pray my words will paint a picture of what God has done internally, how He's changed my heart!!

The Before -

Growing up I was the oldest, responsible, good girl with what Renee calls the "disease to please." I wanted to make everyone happy and as I matured, I realized this was impossible. During those same years I struggled with what my future held - my sister was planning her wedding and I realized I'd only been on one date - I was lonely and feared that's what my life would look like. Added to the loneliness and need for approval were thoughts that I wasn't good enough, I'd never measure up and that I really wasn't needed which all eventually lead to suicidal thoughts and a diagnosis of depression. In that process, I didn't just find help for the imbalance in my mind, but also what had been missing all along - God revealed Himself in my suffering and at the age of 23 I came to know Him as Savior and Lord.

Obviously doubt played a role before I gave my life to Christ, so I want to specifically look at how it's impacted my walk as a Christian. I've always been the "Jesus girl" who was more than willing to encourage others - I could listen to their situation and rejoice when the news was good and remind them of God's plan when times were trying. I believed things would get better or not turn out too bad. God was in control right?!? Or there were the times when others would share their doubts, "I'm not good enough to do what God is calling me to do." or "Look at me, I'm not beautiful." I knew the words to share with them and believed they were true!

Then there were the times when the voice I listened to was my own - a new trial would come into my life and instantly there was worry - my mind would race and the what if's seemed to never end. The moments when God would call me out of my comfort zone - again there was doubt, "He's not really saying that. I could never..." God would tell you He heard it all!! Oh yes and don't forget the looks thing, I'm the one who would avoid the mirror every chance I had! And even in those moments when I'd push past doubt and talk about this (one of my forever struggles) I'd listen to what others had to say, but believe it, not really. I could see the beauty in all of God's creation until I looked at myself, that I doubted. When I doubted what was on the outside it was only natural to doubt what was on the inside as well.

It amazes me to think doubt is what initially connected me with Renee. Three years ago this July she was writing on her blog about doubt and asked what role it had played in our life. In the comments I simply wrote, "I'm afraid if I gave you the complete answer this would be a book." Much to my surprise she responded with an email (see I doubted a gal I heard on the radio would ever email me!!) wanting to hear more of my story.

After spending the night thinking about her question, God put the following words on my heart -

"Doubt"

It knocks me down

and beats me up.

It makes me question

and sometimes quit.

It causes me to worry

and even wallow.

It robs me of joy

and leaves me empty.

It prevents me from sharing my faith

and truly loving my neighbor.

It causes me to compare

and think I'll never measure up.

It fills me with regrets

and plenty of "what if's."

It leaves me discouraged

and sometimes even depressed.

It is one of satan's weapons

and one, only GOD can combat.

It reminds me I can't,

but I trust God will.

I read those words and they are true, doubt had a hold on me and really has kept me from being who God made me to be.

The After -

"A Confident Heart" is a book that has touched my heart and it's a challenge to sum up the difference it has made, probably because its impact is on-going. So for now, a look at "Who am I?" after reading Renee's words. I believe the best, well at least the fastest way to say it is this - Mrs. Doubtful becomes Confident in Christ! Only now this confidence has become a personal thing!

Like I said, before I knew God was big and powerful, but I didn't always believe that applied to situations in my own life. I knew God loved His children and thought they were beautiful, but those were things I associated with others, not myself. I also knew doubt played a big role in my life, but now I know it has played a role in every area of my life. I use to think worry and doubt was just part of who I was, something I had to live with, but now I know with Christ's strength in me it's something I can overcome. And at the same time, doubt is something that God can use to draw me closer to Him, if I let it!!

God has changed me as together we've journeyed through this book - the mirror is still not my best friend, but like I shared in a previous post, I am beautiful. It's taken me 35 years to say those words, but that is what God says and I believe HIM! I have always been one of my own worst critics and have been real quick to beat myself up, but I'm learning that I can fail forward and learn from my mistakes. I really am, and will always be, a work in progress! Finally as my heart becomes more confident, I'm reminded that I'm not "just Jill"; no I am God's chosen child, a daughter who He loves and has plans for! (Matt. 3:17, John 15:16, Jer. 29:11)

As I reflect and write these words, in a way I feel it's easier to see and understand who I was - an insecure, doubtful, worried girl who was always on the short end of the comparison stick. At the same time I am so grateful God is giving me a glimpse of who He has created me to be - a secure, confident, fearless women who is beautiful in His eyes. And friend I pray my words have given you a look at the change I'm experiencing because if God can do this for me, He can and wants to do the same for you!!

One great lesson I've taken from "A Confident Heart" is this - it's not about trying harder, but turning faster. God doesn't need me, or you, to try any harder than we already do. He's more concerned about us seeking Him than serving Him. And when those doubts come, and believe me, they are even more intense when we're aware and are trying to battle them, we just need to turn faster - turn to Him and remind ourselves of His truth and His promises!! Only by doing this will we know who we are!! And more importantly whose we are!!

Today will you join me in praying Hebrews 10:35-36?? These are powerful words, "So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised."

"Who am I?" - A Saved Sinner

2011-04-20T03:19:00.001-05:00

Holy week is upon us and the events of these days are influencing my thinking. I ask myself the question, "Who am I?" and instead of seeing myself, my mind pictures Christ and what happened to Him years ago on Good Friday and then what God did through Him on Resurrection Sunday many, many years ago.

The pain He experienced and the power God displayed truly explain who I am. The beatings and torture Jesus endured would not have been necessary if I wasn't defined by a single word - sinner. Before we go any further lets define the word sinner - one who takes part in any deliberate action, attitude, or thought that goes against God. Knowing that let me ask you a question, "Are you a sinner?"

I can't hear the answer you are giving, but the Bible says it loud and clear. In Romans 3:23 Paul says, "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." I reflect on my life, my day, actually the last hour and I know that is true for me. I fall short. How about you??

With me can you define yourself with one word? That word specifically being sinner. Really it's more than if you can, do you? Will you acknowledge the fact that you've done wrong? Sure maybe it's not as bad as the lady across the road or the murderer you saw on the news, but sin is sin and no matter the degree it causes each and every one of us to fall short of the glory of God.

Because of this sin, that is a part of who I am, God in His righteousness could have nothing to do with me, but because of the love that defines who our Heavenly Father is, He sent His Son so my identity could be found in Him. Ephesians 2:8 tells us, "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God."

God's resurrection power has changed who I am - yes, I'm still a sinner, but I am saved!!! Jesus died on the cross for me!! Just like God was able to raise His Son from the dead, some day He will do the same for me, His daughter!!

This week as you celebrate Easter I pray you find time to reflect on our question!! Think about who Jesus is and how knowing Him defines who you are!! May we each acknowledge our sin and be even more grateful for God's grace!!!

On my heart...

2011-04-19T21:57:00.000-05:00

I glanced at the calendar today and a few things came to mind - 16 years ago I had reconstructive knee surgery and on that same day Oklahoma City suffered its bombings. But April 19th will forever be etched in my mind for another reason - this was the due date for the baby we lost back in 2008. This was a little one I never held, but will forever love!! I believe she has a name and I know she had a purpose!! And on today I remember she is one I will never forget!!

"I Will Not Forget"
Though it seems
the world has forgotten
and even I have went a day
or two without remembering,
"I will not forget."

The role you played was pivotal
and your presence powerful.
You touched my heart
and changed my life,
"I will not forget."

I think of you often and
still miss you just the same.
You will forever be
a part of me,
"I will not forget."

No one will ever take your place
or do what you have done.
You alone are special -
a gift only God could give,
one, "I will not forget."

"Who am I?" - A Friend

2011-04-13T15:09:00.003-05:00

This week in our series, for the first time I'm answering the question with a role. First of all let me say that my identity or yours is not based on the roles we play, but understanding who we are helps us be who we were met to be. I honestly believe one of the roles God has given us each to fulfill is that of friend. Aside from our role as child and sibling this is one of the first roles we play and it's one that continues throughout our lifetime.

At times this role is fun and enjoyable - remembers those early friendships? I look at my 6 year old daughter and her fast found best friend - watching them truly is a joy! They always pick up right where they left off, they play for hours, they can visit like they are teens and they love one another. Friendships are a gift and something we were met to enjoy!

Then I look ahead a few years and observe junior high and high school girls - some friendships continue just like Joy and Chloe, but others are not as pleasant. Sure today they may be best friends, but who knows what tomorrow will bring - harsh words, gossip, lies believed - damage done that makes a good thing bad and painful. Take a minute and think back to those days from your teen years, remember what I'm saying?

I'd like to think as we mature, reach adulthood and leave childish ways behind that friendships would return to a thing of joy, a role that came naturally, but I don't believe that is the case. How about you? Perhaps it's not the teenage mentality that causes the trouble, but friendships do require work. But it's work that is worthwhile because connections are something we each crave.

Just this morning I read Renee Swope's devotion from Proverbs 31 titled, "Craving Connection" which really stirred up some thoughts about friendships and my role as a friend. (I'd highly recommend reading this for yourself and visiting Renee's blog as well!!) As I thought about her words in this devotion in relation to my own life more of Renee's words came to mind. I have had the honor of reading a pre-release copy of her new book, "A Confident Heart," and have been blessed!!

A few days ago I finished the chapter titled, "When Doubt Whispers, You Can't Stop Worrying" and one quote that stuck with me was, "Worry robs us of peace in our relationships." As I read it, I thought yeah that's true, but in the past few days God has shown me how true it is in my life. Let me explain...

In the devotional Renee shares how our busyness and technological connections have caused us to push our face to face connections aside. Not sure if that's true in your life, but I know I'd love to get together with friends more often than I do. But back to this quote, what does worry have to do with peace in my friendships?

In my mind when I don't connect with a friend I often find myself wondering "Why?" As I wonder I often find myself trying to answer the question which often results in thoughts like, "I must have done something wrong," "She's too busy for me," "I'm not worth her time" or "I'm not a friend, I'm a burden."

Really all these thoughts and the others that accompany them in a way are worries (a nagging concern or uneasiness). And a worry is something that does me, or my friendships, no good. Actually it does just the opposite - just like those teenage troubles from the past, worry can destroy friendships, it causes me to push away and close up, like Renee says it robs me of peace.

God did not create friendships to hurt us, but to help us (which don't get me wrong some times does involve pain) and really to teach us more about Him and our relationship with Christ. Remember Jesus is the friend who sticks closer than a brother!! (Prov. 18:24) And worry can damage that relationship as well!!

Our Father created friendships with purpose, Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!” (NIV) That craving for connection is there for a reason; because God created me to be a friend, that is part of who I am.

I look forward to the days ahead as God continues to give me answers to the question I will forever ask! As I define myself by His standards and find my identity in Him, He is opening my eyes to see things through His. And today this lesson dealt with friends and I'm reminded of words that were shared with me as a child and ones I've already passed on to my children, "If you want to have a friend, you need to be a friend."

So today rather than waiting for my friend to return my call, I'll dial her number again. Tomorrow rather than checking my email for a message that still isn't there, I'll send one out. And hopefully in the days ahead rather than worrying, I'll take a lesson from my best friend, Jesus, and be secure in who I am, His friend, and trust Him with the friendships He's given to me.

I encourage you to invest in your friendships today!! And I'd love for you to visit Renee's blog for an opportunity to win a Friendship Gift Pack including your own copy of "A Confident Heart!!"

"Who am I?" - The Girl who Wanted to Die

2011-04-06T08:10:00.001-05:00

When I began this series a few months back I had a list of titles and topics I thought I would address, but since then God's shown me He had other things in mind. That's not a bad thing, just a different direction than I expected, but isn't that how walking in faith really is?!?!

So today will you journey with me as I tackle an area that at times I tend to avoid? You see for a long time this specific answer to our question was one I was not proud of, you might say it was a secret I wanted to keep. But God, has a purpose for the pain and perhaps a plan to use my past to help someone else's present.

I believe sometimes in order to answer the question, "Who am I?" we also need to consider the question, "Who was I?" Though we may no longer be that person, God uses who I was to shape who I am and can use that to help me become who He created me to be. So on to this week's answer...

Growing up I was a child who got along with everyone, but wasn't real close to anyone. Others saw me as a great listener, but I rarely gave anyone the opportunity to do the same for me as I internalized the pain. Though I was surrounded by people who loved me, cared for me and supported me there were times I was lonely. It didn't help that I struggled with my looks and though I was a people pleaser I knew I'd let them down.

As my high school years passed by, the hole I was falling in seemed to get bigger. By the time I left for college, depression was part of my days. (Though I had yet to admit it.) Time went by and the days got darker until September of '99 during my second year of teaching.

It was a Tuesday and after struggling to connect with and gain respect from the kids I wanted to inspire, I felt like a failure. I looked at others' lives and thought I'd never measure up. As I listened to this repetition of lies and negative thoughts I convinced myself I didn't matter and uttered 4 words that have changed my life, "I want to die."

Instantly in my mind I had a plan, a way to end it all, but as I pulled out my journal God had another plan. A thank you card from a Mom of one of my former students fell out and I picked it up. Her words shook me and reminded me of the desire I'd always had to set a good example and then my fear of failure kicked in and I was afraid I'd mess up my attempt at the unthinkable and have to face all the people I'd attempted to leave behind. So rather than picking up my car keys, I grabbed the phone and called for help rather than going on a ride that would end it all.

Now for the sake of time, I'll spare you some details, but I do want to address my answer to the question "Who am I?" Though it hurts me to say this, I was the girl who wanted to die. Like I said for many years this was something I was ashamed of; if a conversation turned to suicide I found myself becoming very silent on the outside, but internally I'd beat myself up with thoughts like, "I can't believe you ever considered that!" Friend maybe you are there, if so can I share a new thought? A radical one?

I believe God wants us to die, just not the way the world defines it. It's not a physical death He desires but instead He wants us to die to self. And that's exactly what happened to me twelve years ago this fall, I finally realized I was not in control, it was not my job to fix everything or make everyone happy, nor was it anyone's job to fill me up or make me happy. By coming to the end of myself, I was able to go to the cross and receive all Christ had for me.

As I think about this John 11:25 comes to mind, "Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die." I believe Jesus is saying we can't live for Him and still do what we want, there's not room for Jesus and everything else; it's a one or the other decision. In this case dying isn't a bad thing, no, it's a good thing! It's what God wants me to do and you too!

The Bible supports this truth with Paul's words in Galatians 2:20, "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." When I decided to accept Christ, I was crucified with Him. Simply said, I died.

On that night back in 1999 I had no idea this is where my dying would lead, but God did. At that time I really didn't know much about a personal relationship with Christ, but as my Creator, God knew what would bring me to HIM.

In the days since there hasn't always been that same desire to die, but daily GOD calls me and you to die to our self and live for HIM!! Galatians 5:24 sums it up quite well, "Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires."

I'll be honest this isn't always easy and I don't always succeed, but it is God's desire for me. By doing this I will become who He created me to be. The Word tells us only by losing our life will we find it! (Matt.16:25)

I understand this is a scary concept, but then I recall those days of depression and the moments I thought physical death was the only answer. If you've been there, I'd guess you'd agree that IS scary!! I never thought I'd be one who wanted to die and like I said for years the memory of desiring just that brought pain and shame, but today I'm grateful for who I was because it has played a critical role in helping me become who I am.

This process of becoming can be difficult because it is hard to lay it all down for the sake of Christ, but as I reflect on my life and see the times I've done just that I know it's worth it!! I pray you do too!! Today may we reflect on Paul's words, "But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead." Phil. 3:7-11

"Who am I?" The girl who wanted to die, and did!! Friend, if these thoughts create questions in your mind or confusion in your heart please feel free to email me! (jillberan@yahoo.com) If God is speaking to you and calling you to surrender; I pray you will respond. It truly is the most important part of our journey to answer the question, "Who am I?"

Thanks for joining me today and remember to check out the give-away in my previous post!

A Good Enough Give-Away

2011-04-05T14:21:00.002-05:00

The other day I was cleaning a cabinet and came across some books I'd given as gifts. I still had two of them left and God put it on my heart to give them away on my blog. The book written by Andy Stanley is titled, "Since Nobody's perfect...How Good is good enough?" and ties in quite well with my lost post, which was titled, "The 'Good' Girl who is not Good Enough."

To gain a little insight into what the pages of this book hold take a look at what is printed on the back cover, "Good People Go to Heaven...Don't They? Sure they do. It only makes sense. Actually, it doesn't really make any sense at all. Smart, educated, accomplished men and women everywhere are banking their eternities on a theory that doesn't hold water. Chances are, you've never really thought it through. But you owe it to yourself to do so. Find out now what's wrong with the most popular theory about heaven - and what it really takes to get there."

Does that stir up some thoughts in your mind? Perhaps you're thinking I need to read this book. Or maybe God has brought someone to mind you could share it with. Whatever the case, leave a comment with why you'd want to win a copy of "How Good is Good Enough?" and please include your email address so I can contact you if you win!! I'll post the winners on Friday!! And remember to stop by tomorrow for the next post in our "Who am I?" series!!

"Who am I?" - The 'Good Girl' who's not Good Enough!

2011-03-29T20:52:00.004-05:00

Have you ever wrestled with the thought, "Am I good enough?" Growing up this question went through my mind a lot!! And most of the time my answer was no!! I can recall this first taking place in the 4th grade when I didn't think I'd be good enough for the elementary basketball program. Time moved on and I asked this question as I thought about being friends with others, giving a report in class and playing high school basketball. And each time I asked the question, my answer was the same, "NO, I'm not good enough!"

But yet, I strived to be good! I was the oldest responsible child, well most of the time!! I lived to please my parents, teachers and coaches. I didn't want to do wrong and I worked hard to make others happy.

Obviously there was a contrast on what was going on outwardly and inwardly. Others saw me as one who worked for my success, treated others with respect and was a fairly happy individual. My parents were proud of me, teachers would compliment me and my coaches appreciated me.

But I on the other hand saw someone else, I knew the real me - the one who feared failure, felt she never measured up and would never keep everyone happy. I was the one who not only heard the whispers, "You're not good enough," but most of the time was the one I heard saying it.

Now as I look back on these moments what strikes me the most is the one thing, the only thing, I ever thought I'd be good enough for - making my way to heaven. I grew up with a works mentality thinking if I did more good than bad I'd one day go to heaven. Kind of amazing to think even though I thought I wasn't good enough to play college ball or be a wife, I thought I had what it takes to get to my eternal resting place!

Thankfully in my early 20's God showed me it's not about being good enough, which is a good thing because when it comes to salvation the answer I'd always given is right. What I do and how I act will not save me, and friend it won't save you either. Basically I was living the life of what Lysa TerKeurst calls "the unsaved Christian."

I was reminded of some key verses tonight as my children practiced their Awana verses - James 2:10 says, "For whoever shall keep the whole law, and yet stumble in one point, He is guilty of all." I don't have to look back to far in my life, better yet in this day or to be honest this hour to see I have stumbled in one point. How about you?

I know I fall short day after day, but Romans 3:22-24 sums it up quite well, "This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference between Jew and Gentile, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus." Notice this justification isn't something I (or you) earn; no, it is given to those who believe.

Believe in what you might ask, "Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and you will be saved!" Acts 16:31 Paul adds to these thoughts with his words in 2 Timothy 1:9 "He has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time."

Back in the days of high school and college, the good girl in me would have never thought I was good enough to live the holy life God calls me to, but thankfully with His grace comes a transforming of the mind! (See Romans 12:2)

So "who am I?" I'm no longer the good girl who lives to please others, but I am one who still falls short because honestly there are times I worry more about what others will think rather than seeking God's approval. And those words that I told myself for years, "I'm not good enough" they still play on the soundtrack of my mind. But God reminds me of the post I shared last week, I am a work in progress and will be until He calls me home. And thankfully it's His work in me that is changing who I am into who He made me to be.

He does this by replacing the lies in my mind with the Truth of His Word. Though I'm not good enough to get to heaven, He tells me "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!" (Phil. 4:13)

And friend, the same is true for you! If you strive to be good enough, living to please others and earn your salvation can I ask you to give that up? I know the struggle it creates, the pressure that builds; I've done it and I wasn't good enough either. Perhaps you've already accepted Christ as your Savior, but you still hear those words, the lie that knocks you down, the "You're not good enough" message that plays over and over in your mind. I understand, but will you join with me and take a step towards replacing the lie with truth? Remember, God is good and since we belong to Him He will make us good enough to live the life He calls us to.

Press on my friend!! I know this journey is a challenge, but it's worth it. Keep asking the question and remember to look for His answer! Tonight I was reminded there is freedom in knowing I'm not good enough! I pray He blesses you with reminders as well!

"Who am I?" - A work in progress...

2011-03-23T06:18:00.004-05:00

I have a question for you, "Are you a list maker? How about a goal setter? Do you have a desire to accomplish one thing before you move on to the next?" Personally, I'd have to answer, yes, yes and most of the time. I enjoy crossing something off my list and knowing it is done, but rarely in a house with 4 little ones does anything stay done for long! If you're a Mom you understand - just when the dishes are done, someone is hungry again or just when the laundry is folded someone comes in covered in mud.

As a Mom there are tasks we do over and over and I'm beginning to realize as someone who finds my identity in Christ the same is true. I'm not saying Christianity is something I put on my to do list and simply a task I accomplish, no it is so much more than that!! I realize accepting Christ is a one time decision, but truly living for Him is a moment by moment choice.

Let me explain, just last night I found myself under what Renee Swope likes to call "the shadow of doubt." I was wrestling with what God was calling me to do and feeling like a failure in one of the roles He had given me to play. As I watched my husband vacuum our floor rather than appreciate his help, I believed satan's lie that I was a bad wife and couldn't do what I was supposed to do. Listening to one lie just brought more as he whispered I wasn't good enough to do what God was asking me to.

I hate to admit it, but this battle went on through the night until this morning when satan had almost convinced me that he was right - that I wasn't good enough and that what I did really didn't matter. I've been in this place before, which didn't help matters, actually it compounded them as I told myself more defeating thoughts. Ones like "haven't you been following Christ for years and you still let satan push you around?" or there was "one of these days God's just going to give up on you!" To top it all off there was, "You're never going to get it!"

It was then that life took over and that line of thinking stopped for awhile and before it had the chance to get going again God interrupted me with words from a friend and more importantly His word. Currently I'm privileged (and challenged) to be reading an early copy of Renee Swope's new book, "A Confident Heart." And God met me on the pages of her book today!!

By doing so He reminded me that I, His daughter who He chose and loves, am a work in progress. Walking in faith is not something that one day I will just magically succeed at, sure I will mature and grow (Lord willing), but no matter who I am, satan wants to attack and will. 1 Peter 5:8-9 says, "Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings."

Friend it's true he is attacking and will do so especially when we are trying to make progress! I will never fully become who I am in Christ this side of heaven, but I can make progress and so can you! We can set goals as Christians as we walk in faith, but we must not forget there is an opponent who will do all he can to distract and defeat us as we strive to reach them. But at the same time let us not forget we have a Savior who has won the battle, so press on, hold on to His truth and like Renee advises, stay in the shadow of the Cross!!

Here are two verses that spoke to me; I pray God will speak to you as well -

For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. Ephesians 2:10

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Phil. 4:13

“How can you let God down when you weren’t ever holding Him up?” Steven Furtick ‘Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’ Isaiah 41:10

What words from The Word encourage you??

Family Poetry

2011-03-22T17:21:00.004-05:00

Over the past 10 days Wendy Blight has been encouraging women to read through Psalm 119 and then she challenged women to write an acrostic expressing your love for God and His Word. I did just that, so thought I'd share my words. I also used the idea with J.D. and Joy and they are more excited to share theirs!!

A love that makes me happy
Because Jesus died on the
Cross for me.
by Joy (6)

And from J.D. (8) -
Amazing love from God
Brought me to Him,
Creator of ALL the world.

Amazing love that
Brought me life.
Caring God who calls me
Daughter and
Even
Forgives all my sins.
Gracious and
Holy
Is
Jesus - the One who
Knows me and
Loves me still.
My Savior has changed me and made me
New. It's Him I want to
Obey and
Please.
Quite unique, He offers
Rest, comfort and discipline.
Staying near
To Him is my
Ultimate goal. His
Vast love
Will carry me through and make my days
X-tra special because of HIS presence.
Your love O Lord makes me
Zealous for more.

"Who am I?" - Broken and Beautiful

2011-03-16T06:38:00.003-05:00

Welcome back for our Wednesday's "Who am I?" study! This weeks title was not on my list months ago when God put this series on my heart, but He has me (a tired, expecting Mom with 4 little ones) up in the wee hours to write it! Anyway, I pray He will speak to you on this topic in the same powerful way He has done with me! So on to our topic...

"Who am I?" "Broken!" Yes, that answer makes sense! I've had a broken heart, broken dreams, broken relationships... You get the idea; I have been broken. Simply said, I've felt no good, incomplete, not good enough; sometimes these feelings resulted because of what was done to me and others because of things I'd done myself. The answer, broken, comes as no surprise.

But it's the last word in the title of this post that is hard to type (and more so harder to believe) as an answer to our question. "Who am I?" "Beautiful." The response I've mentally given to that statement for years (35 of them to be exact) is "yeah right, look at me!!"

Honestly I've been able to give some positive answers to our question, but beautiful has never been one of them. Actually, my response in this area has been quite the opposite or an issue I avoided entirely. So much so that as a kid growing up, I'd fight my sisters for the backseat behind the passenger simply because I didn't want to look up and see myself in the rear view mirror.

I'm sure you'd agree, I had issues with my looks. But honestly this isn't a past tense struggle, I still do. God showed me the importance of dealing with this over a year ago, when my then almost 5 year old little girl sincerely said to me, "I'm not pretty." Like every Mom, I know my child is the cutest, but still her words hurt.

Especially the ones that followed my "yes you are" response; without a beat, my little Joy said, "you're just saying that." Honestly my heart broke because I knew how she felt, in my mind I'd probably said the same thing to my husband that very day. God directed me to speak His truth to her and as I did, He challenged me to believe it for myself!

And now, for the first time ever, I will say it: I am beautiful. It's hard for me to believe I just typed those words, but I'm finally at a place where it's harder not to believe God's Word.

Please read it for yourself -

But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7 NIV

"Let the king be enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord." (Psalm 45:11 NIV)

How do those verses affect your thinking? Friend don't do what I've always done, go back and don't just read them, but claim this as truth. He sees your heart; it doesn't matter that you were mistaken as a boy on the junior high basketball team or what size your pants are - in His eyes, you are beautiful!!!

Today will you take the time to share that truth with someone (perhaps like me and share it with yourself in writing), not because you think highly of yourself (remember we are broken!!), but because you think highly of HIM!! It's time we start seeing ourselves the way God does and then honoring Him with who we are!!

Dear Heavenly Father,
May we always ask, "Who am I?" and more importantly may we always remember to seek Your answer to the question. Make us the women you created us to be. Though we are broken, let us not forget we are beautiful. Lord, we love you and we thank you, now let us go and honor you. In the precious name of Jesus, I pray. Amen

"Different, yet the Same"

2011-03-14T07:47:00.002-05:00

Just this morning I read a post by Lisa Whittle titled, Differences, which has me thinking. She is discussing how differences have the ability to divide us, which is so very true. Here's a look at what she shared, "We preach love, community and acceptance, but they are much easier to read off of a piece of paper than they are for us to attach to real life issues that happen between imperfect people…especially when we are the one who feels wronged." She's right; in our mind it's easy to know the right thing, but so much harder to live this out.

Her words about differences made me think about how they affect us, or have me anyway, in a different way. For many years, and sometimes still, I would play the comparison game and I was always the one who didn't measure up. I would see the other person better than me and these observations made me realize we were different and then my mind would believe that because of those differences we shared no connection.

Friend, if you've ever done the same let me tell you - that thinking is wrong!! I thought about this nearly 5 years ago as I reflected on a friendship that had numerous differences, and God showed me though our similarities may unite us our differences can complete us. And really when we share a love for Christ and a bond in Him our differences don't even compare to what holds us together!! Now if we would live daily like that was true!!!

So today rather than focusing on our differences, the things that at times may divide us, let us remember though we are different, we are the same in so many ways!!

Below you will find some words about my friend and I, who are different, yet the same!!

"Different, yet the Same"
She loves pickles. I can't stand them.
She has a pet parakeet. Birds scare me.
She leads a worship team. I can't sing.
She runs her own business. I'm a farmer's wife.
She graduated in nineteen something. I was born the same year.
She's been married for two and a half decades. We just celebrated 5 years.
Her youngest just left for college. Mine hasn't left the crib.

We are different, yet we're the same.

Our love of basketball brought us together.
We understand the importance of motherhood.
We enjoy listening to others.
We believe things happen for a reason.
We share a love for God.
We are sisters in Christ.
We worship the same Father in heaven.

"Who am I?" - Sometimes I forget...

2011-03-09T15:16:00.002-06:00

Nearly two months ago, God put it on my heart to write this weekly series and I believe I know why - so I would remember who I am!! I'm not sure about you, but sometimes I have a tendency to forget.

Forgetting whose I am and not remembering where my identity truly is found is not a good thing, but it happens. Sometimes life's overwhelming circumstances press in on me and I forget the truths of God. Others the voices of those around me and the lies of satan scream louder than the whispers of my Heavenly Father.

In those moments I'm vulnerable to answer our "Who am I?" question in the wrong way. And when I allow anyone or anything (and even myself) but God to define who I am, I am setting myself up for trouble.

What kind of trouble you ask? Let me share two stories from my recent experience - a few months ago, I stepped down from a women's ministry leadership team and in a way that messed with how I saw myself. First of all, it's a step God obviously led me to, but one satan used to twist my thinking.

Eventually I realized one of the reasons God led me to this decision, we are expecting our 5th child in July. Truly we are blessed, but as I focused on what He was taking away, I began to answer this question of identity myself, rather than allow God to do it for me.

My mind shifted from believing who I am is all about what God says and started to focus on finding my identity in what I did. Simply said, I was forgetting who I am and as I focused on the wrong things I wasn't being who He created me to be.

This past weekend God showed me this forgetting thing isn't a one time occurrence, no I'm sorry to say it happened again. I have yet to see this little one's face, but God is already teaching me through my baby.

Honestly I was a bit nervous about sharing our news. I could remember some of the reactions we received with number four, so I assumed that would only intensify with number five. What it boils down to is I was worried about what others thought, which clearly is a result of forgetting who I am.

When I (and you) live as daughters of Christ, it's only His approval we need and His opinion that matters. But when we forget and define ourselves in the wrong way, we basically forget who we are.

In these moments, bad things can happen. We live to please the wrong audience, which may cause us to do things we regret and live in a way that dishonors God. We open the door for doubt and worry, which keeps us from living the life God has for us and bringing Him the glory He deserves.

Since I'm human, I don't believe I'll ever overcome forgetfulness, but I believe there are steps I can and must take. Paul sums it up when he says, "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2

If I want to live out God's answer to the question, I must first know what it is, which will only happen when I know who He is and dig into what He says. Friend will you join me as we move past the days of conforming to the world and being defined by it's ever changing standards and instead allow God to transform us and be who He says we are??

As we walk this road together, I'd love to hear about your moments of forgetfulness and how God has helped you remember who you are!!

"Who am I?" - Not what I do

2011-03-02T06:44:00.001-06:00

Once again it's Wednesday and time to answer the question, "Who am I?" Lately when my mind asks this question, God has to remind me of His answer, "Jill, you are not what you do."

If you are a regular reader of my blog, you know I recently stepped down from the Rise and Shine Women's Retreat leadership team. This was a position I'd held for two years and the event was originally something God placed on my heart over 4 years ago. Trusting Him and stepping into the unknown was scary, but an adventure which God truly blessed. He worked through that in numerous ways, so stepping down was hard. Again it's simply a step of faith that involves trusting Him and stepping into the unknown. I know the adventure will continue...

Actually, it already has! In the last month, God really has me focusing on the idea of identity - where it's found and the role it plays. Lately He's been showing me for much of my life I've defined myself by what I have done.

Growing up as the oldest of three girls, I was usually the good girl, the people pleaser. In high school I was the basketball player who defined myself with wins and losses and measured my success with a stat sheet. College began in a similar fashion until an injury forced me to move from player to coach. After graduation, I kept the label "coach" and added teacher.

A few years later I was married and found myself answering the question, "Who am I?" with wife. Time continued to pass and our son was born. Then people would ask who I was and I found myself saying, "I use to teach school..."

At this point God began showing me that I was defining myself in the wrong way. Who I was wasn't determined by what I did. The roles I played could change and the reality of life is they will change, but who I am, a daughter of the King, will forever remain the same.

So now eight years later, why do I struggle with my role changing once again? Probably because I'm human, but I'm thankful for God's whispers of truth and reminders of who I am. Psalm 51:16-17 has spoken volumes lately. It says, "You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, you, God, will not despise."

God doesn't need the things I do, He wants me - a broken spirit, a child willing to be shaped and used for His purpose and glory however He sees fit. Does that mean I shouldn't serve and be involved in ministry? Absolutely not!! But my heart must be willing to do and serve where, when and how He wants!! He does NOT measure my worth (or yours) by what I do and He doesn't define me (or you) by what we accomplish (at least according to the world's standards.)

Awhile back I heard pastor Steven Furtick say, "Our identity in Christ must supercede our activity for Him." I couldn't agree more with that statement! But I'm once again realizing agreeing with something and living like it is true are two different things! I'm so thankful God is reminding that it doesn't matter if I'm part of a team that reaches nearly 400 women for HIM or the 4 children in my house. No, all that matters is knowing I am HIS and living like it!!

Friend, have you ever defined yourself by what you did or the roles you played? How has God helped you understand that is NOT who you are? I'd love to hear your story!! Just click on "comment" below and share your thoughts.

Thoughts from Sunday Morning

2011-02-27T11:36:00.002-06:00

True to form this morning our pastor gave a wonderful sermon...the only difference is this week was anything but normal for him. Last Monday night his dad passed away, somewhat unexpectedly. Just hours before Paul's death, Tim (our pastor) had spent time with him and gave him what would be his last haircut. They enjoyed their time together, but had he known it was their last visit on this earth, Pastor Tim said he would have looked into his dad's eyes a bit longer and said "I love you" a bit stronger.

Like he said none of us know when our time will come and perhaps scarier yet, when the time will come for the ones we love. So we must make the most of the moments we share. Pastor Tim didn't just this morning to remind us of a truth we all know and too often forget, no he pressed on and allowed God's faithfulness to shine through Him.

Pastor Tim has dealt with death many times and officiated many funerals, but this week the subject became personal in a whole new way. As he dug into the Word for comfort and wisdom; God gave him a message we all need to hear.

He started our time together with Philippians 1:21-24, "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body."

Now I've read these verses many times before, but today God has really caused me to pause and allow this to sink in. With Paul do I say, "For me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." I can say it and type it, but do I believe it always and live with that thought constantly? Honestly, I don't think so. Death is hard and one of those subjects I have a hard time looking at...one, I can think of the rosy side of heaven and tell myself all will be well or two, I focus on what I will leave behind or what I will miss when a loved one passes away and almost find myself getting depressed. But I haven't taken the time or really allowed myself to dig into the topic very deeply and scripturally.

This morning through Pastor Tim's message God has challenged me to do just that because really by understanding death; I have a greater understanding of life! Just like God had a purpose and plan for Paul's life, He has one for mine as well. And this life I live is not my own, by accepting Jesus as my Lord and Savior, I have died and He lives in me. Like Paul told the Philippians that means labor for me, but if I allow God to work through me it will be fruitful labor.

Which brings me to the other passage Pastor Tim shared, 2 Corinthians 5:9-10, "So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it. For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each of us may receive what is due us for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad."

It's true, my day will come and before it does I want to say with Paul, "to die is gain!" But I also agree with his other statement, "to live is Christ!" So until then, I pray God will work in me and through me to shine His light and share His love during the moments of joy and in the times of trial. May I live to please Him and always remember what I do in this life matters, now and for eternity.

Friend what are your thoughts this Sunday morning?? I pray they are pleasing to Him and I hope He's spoken to you through mine. May we live for HIM today!!

"Who am I?" - Scarred and Forgiven

2011-02-23T06:29:00.000-06:00

Welcome back to our journey...this week my answer to the question is "scarred and forgiven." I have to say these thoughts were prompted by a devotion my blogging friend, Kimberly wrote. (Visit her site, you will be blessed!!) Her devotion was titled, "The Blessing of Scars" and the worldly contradiction in the title really hit me and had me thinking.

Those thoughts reminded me of a t-shirt I was given back in college after I'd hurt my knee and had reconstructive surgery. Remember the "No Fear" line back in the '90s, well this was one of their shirts. The words said, "No Scar, No Proof." I had the scar and today it still reminds me of what I went through and the effort I exerted to return to a game I loved.

But now, 16 years later this line has me thinking about something else. My mind no longer just thinks of the physical scars, no I think of the emotional and spiritual ones as well. Some scars have been caused by circumstances and even others, but quite often my focus is on the ones I've created myself.

According to the dictionary, scar means the mark left after an injury or wound has healed. I believe the key word in the definition is the very last one, healed!! Memories of these scars shouldn't create guilt or regret, even the ones that were self-inflicted because healing has taken place. This on the other hand is not because of anything I have done!! This healing only occurs because of who I am!!!

I am chosen by God and He loves me this much - "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16 And this Son, Jesus, the One He gave, has the power to heal because of His scars.

Jesus could have worn my shirt back in the day, He had the scars for proof! Read His words to Thomas in John 20:27, "Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe."

As His followers we must remember to do what He commands, believe!! Acts 13:37-39 reminds us, "Therefore, my friends, I want you to know that through Jesus the forgiveness of sins is proclaimed to you. Through him everyone who believes is set free from every sin, a justification you were not able to obtain under the law of Moses."

Friend, the forgiveness of sins is the healing of our scars!! So today though you may have scars, remember you are forgiven!! As children of GOD, that is who we are!!!

Today I leave you with the words to Point of Grace's song, "Heal the Wound" may you never look at your scars the same again...

I used to wish that I could rewrite history
I used to dream that each mistake could be erased
Then I could just pretend
I never knew the me back then

I used to pray that You would take this shame away
Hide all the evidence of who I've been
But it's the memory of
The place You brought me from
That keeps me on my knees
And even though I'm free

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

I have not lived a life that boasts of anything
I don't take pride in what I bring
But I'll build an altar with
The rubble that You've found me in
And every stone will sing
Of what You can redeem

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

Don't let me forget
Everything You've done for me
Don't let me forget
The beauty in the suffering

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

Wednesday's Winner

2011-02-16T20:54:00.002-06:00

Thanks to all of you who took part in the give-away! It was great to read your comments and hear your thoughts about the power of words. I pray those you intended to encourage were blessed and I pray God blessed you as well!!

Now for the winner...Brooke, please contact me (jillberan@yahoo.com) with your address and I'll get a copy of "Letters from Leanne" in the mail!

"Who am I?" - Today's Thoughts

2011-02-16T06:42:00.000-06:00

Well, once again it's Wednesday, time for the "Who am I?" study and this week's post is going in a direction I didn't expect. You see last Friday night our small community experienced a tragedy - two young adults were involved in a car accident. One, Brooke Elliot, a senior from our small school was killed. Her death has left many hurting, grieving, questioning and reflecting.

I am part of that group - you see I was Brooke's junior high basketball coach a few years back. I knew "little Brooke" before she was crowned Homecoming queen earlier this year. I know many of her friends who are hurting right now and I hurt for them.

But the Mom in me hurts for Tracy, Brooke's mom, who's life will never be the same. I can't imagine being in her shoes, but in the last few days my mind has gone there. Brooke's death reminds me that none of us know when our life will end and for me a harder truth than that, I don't know the number of my children's days either. But God does, which is yet another reminder of why it is important to know His answer to the question, "Who am I?"

When hard times happen and tragedy strikes, I must remember who I am and more importantly remember whose I am. During the difficult days I must draw near to Him and let His strength sustain. In those moments when I'm empty, it's His love and peace that will fill me!

Brooke's life, one that many think ended way too soon, has also made me think about identity in another way. We can't wait to be who God made us to be...there is no guarantee tomorrow will come. As I think about the many great words others spoke and posted on Facebook about Brooke I was reminded our influence really does go farther than we think. When that day comes for me I wonder what others will say, but as I had that thought GOD reminded me, really that's not what is important. No, all that matters is what He will have to say.

I pray I will hear a response similar to the servant in Matthew 25:21a, "“His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant!" This will only happen if I use the gifts He's given to me and be who He created me to be! So please join me again next week as we continue on this journey of seeking HIS answer and until then let's strive to be who HE says we are!

Until then I want to share the words of two songs...Last night as I drove in for Brooke's visitation I heard a song I've enjoyed for quite sometime, but this time the words were personal and powerful in a new way. As I listened to Casting Crowns sing, "Who am I" these words were real,

"I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours"

The brevity of life has been a truth our community has come to understand this week and I pray as Brooke's friends and family feel themselves falling they will know they are HIS!!

Then as I drove home with tears in my eyes and hurt in my heart, God once again spoke to me through song. This time Brandon Heath's, "Your Love" came on the radio and as thoughts raced through my head and my mind wondered how any parent would get through this, God gave me peace as I heard Brandon sing,

"The only the thing that matters is Your love
Your love is all I have to give
Your love is enough to light up the darkness
It’s Your love
Your love
all I ever needed is Your love"

It's true there is nothing any of us can do to make things better for Brooke's parents, sisters and all who are grieving. Only God's love can light up the darkness! Friend perhaps today your community is not in the midst of tragedy, but I'm sure someone is experiencing darkness. Will you remember who you are and allow the ONE whose you are to fill you with His love so you can share it with another? If you are in need of prayer, please share and I promise to lift you up! And I ask you to do the same for all who are grieving the loss of Brooke. Today they will gather in our gym, where she cheered just a week ago, to say their final good-byes and then the congregation will be served walking tacos - the menu she'd planned for the graduation party she was looking forward to. Thank you.

The Power of Words (+ a Give-Away!)

2011-02-10T05:49:00.008-06:00

Earlier this week, Renee Swope had a Proverbs 31 devotional entitled "Just the Right Words" and in it she shared part of my story. I am touched and humbled to think God used my story to encourage others, but the work He's doing through this doesn't end there.

No, He has me reflecting and really thinking about the power of words! If you missed the story I encourage you to go and read the devotional now...

As Renee mentioned, Leanne had just the right words for me during a very difficult time. Over the last couple of days, my mind has returned to that time of my life over 11 years ago. It hurts me to think that I really was at a place where taking my own life seemed like the only answer and escape. I still have the note Leanne sent and I tremble when I read it - sometimes because it takes me back and I feel like I'm once again all alone ready to end it all, but usually because I am amazed that God used those words to help save my life.

But, the story doesn't end there - those words that were just right didn't just save my life physically, no in time they helped save me spiritually as well. You see back then, I was a church-goer who believed I was good enough to get to heaven, but really I was lost. I knew I was empty, but I didn't know why.

In the months that followed that dreadful night, God really began to call me to Himself. And once again, one way He got my attention was through Leanne's words. In this same card she had mentioned, "I am a firm believer that God has a reason for all things." I had casually believed this, but as I walked through some very difficult times, I was challenged to see if I really felt the same.

So I started seeking Him and He revealed Himself to me, in a personal way! This didn't happen over night, but three months later I gave myself to Christ and accepted Him as my Savior! Just the right words had saved my life physically and more importantly spiritually!!!

Like I said at the beginning of this post, God has me thinking and reflecting - it is amazing to see the power words have played in my life! As I've thought about this I've wondered, "What kind of difference do my words make?" And they do make a difference, it's just is it a positive one or negative? Do they encourage or tear down? Most importantly do they point another to Christ?

Honestly, this last question convicts me! You see I know the damage words can do, so I really do try to think about what I say and don't intentionally set out to hurt another. But as I think back on my own life and how God spoke through Leanne to get my attention, I realize sometimes I don't do a very good job of sharing my faith in daily conversations. No, sometimes I worry about what others will think and don't allow God to share just the right words through me - words that may have the power to save a life!!!

Today, I'm challenged to give my voice to God as I remember the power of words and pray He will use it to share just the right words with whoever needs to hear them!! I hope you will join me!!

Now I can't close a post titled, "The Power of Words" without mentioning the power of the Word!! As Hebrews 4:12 says, "For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." If you are in need of some powerful words today, read HIS! They have the power to correct and convict, encourage and equip!!

Friend today, may others be blessed and God be glorified by the words of our mouth!! On a side note, don't forget about the words you speak to yourself - there is power there as well!!

May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer. Psalm 19:14

Now for the give-away - God has put it on my heart to share a copy of "Letters from Leanne." To enter simply click on comments and leave your name and email along with the one you plan to bless with your words or share how you've been encouraged as you encourage another! Check back on Wednesday for the winner!

"A generous person will prosper; whoever refreshes others will be refreshed." Proverbs 11:25

On a side note - our small community experienced a tragedy this past weekend as we lost Brooke Elliot, a senior, in a car accident. Many are in need of the powerful words of prayer at this time and I trust GOD will strengthen them as we intercede. Thank you!

"Who am I?" - just Jill

2011-02-09T06:04:00.000-06:00

Welcome back for our "Who am I?" series. I'm not sure about you, but for me God has bringing the idea of identity to mind quite a bit here lately. That's a good thing because remembering who I am is critical if I want to be who He made me to be!

As this topic has come to mind, I've thought of an answer I've given quite often to the question, "Who am I?" Through the years as this search for identity has taken place in my mind I know I've asked myself the question and replied, "just Jill." With these two simple words I meant - I'm nobody special, I'm not popular, I really don't matter, I'm nobody important - you get the idea, I really didn't see much value in myself. I'd come to measure my worth by my achievements, appearance and acquaintances. As I played the comparison game I never measured up and merely saw myself as "just Jill."

I never really thought much about this until a friend responded to a message I left on her voice mail. I had simply left a message I'd probably left with people hundreds of times - "Hi! It's just Jill, I was calling to..." Anyway this friend responded with words I have yet to forget! When the two of us finally connected, she opened the conversation with and I quote, "Don't ever say you are 'just Jill' again!" I heard her mother voice come out as I felt her scolding me!

We went on to have quite the conversation about how God sees us, how I am not 'just Jill' to Him. And friend if you've ever thought this way, today I pray you will know you are not "just insert your name" to God. He knows you and He knows me, chances are better than we know ourselves!! He created us and formed us uniquely and knows us by name! A name that is engraved on His hands. Let that soak in for a minute - He knows you!! Thus He, our Lord, our Savior, our Father, knows the answer to our question, so let's keep seeking HIM!!

Honestly that conversation with my friend changed my thinking, I don't believe I've ever left that message again, though there have been times I've felt like it. But what always jumps out at me is when I hear others say the very same thing on my voice mail or in a conversation. Really my heart breaks and I quietly think, "Don't say that! You are not just another name!"

As I wrap this up, the word 'just' really hit me as God brought to mind another answer I've given to our question. When I left my teaching position 8 years ago, I often found myself responding with these very words, "I'm just a Mom." Believe me, I know better now, but that's a conversation for another day, so I'll leave you with this, "What just response have you given to the question, "Who am I?"

From the mouth of my child...

2011-02-08T06:19:00.001-06:00

Welcome to those of you stopping by via Renee's blog! I'm glad you're here and pray you find your visit worthwhile! Renee's devotion about just the right words has me thinking...after reading it you know just the right words have played a critical part in my life. And if we think about it I believe we'll all realize that words (sometimes the right ones, other times hard ones and yet other times even the wrong ones) have shaped who we are. Words are something we hear everyday and if we take the time to listen to them, God can speak through them.

In my nearly 8 years as a Mom, He's showing me the voice He chooses to use isn't always my pastor, my husband, my mentor or friends or even a well known speaker. No over the last month, He has once again shown me He can speak through who ever He chooses and lately He's been speaking some powerful words through my son!

J.D. will be 8 on Thursday and has blessed my life immensely in those years (changed it as well!) This little guy can wear me out with his constant action and noise, but I'm repeatedly amazed by his desire to know about and read the Bible! As a toddler he loved Bible stories, but now he's no longer content with the typical children's stories. He loves listening to the morning Bible trivia on the radio and typically knows the answer before I do! I know God has great plans for this little man's life! Beginning now by speaking truth to me!!

Let me explain - a few weeks ago Chris Tomlin's song, "I Will Follow," came on the radio and I mentioned to him that I liked the song. He asked, "Why?" So I explained it had an important message and he sincerely responds, "And that's what you're trying to do."

He wasn't trying to impress me or encourage me, but God did! You see I'd been wrestling with following God. He was asking me to walk away from something that I enjoyed, was good and was from HIM, but selfishly I wanted to stay. In time it was obvious that I was losing the battle, so I surrendered and whispered the words of the song, "God I will follow!"

I had peace at that point, but as my son shared, his words were just the right ones. God reminded me that it's not just what I say to my children, they are watching, and seeing me walk in obedience is exactly what their little eyes need! Thank you Lord for just the right words!!

The story doesn't end there...no nearly two weeks after that precious moment with my son, God spoke through J.D. once again. This time the words were hard and convicting, but yet they were still just the right ones.

It was a cold, windy day here on our Iowa farm and my little guy wanted me to head outside with him for cattle chores. After explaining to him that I needed to get supper ready, fold a little laundry and watch his little brother, he again uses his sweet little voice and looks at me with his big blue eyes and says, "Mom, you're just like Moses. You always have an excuse."

Honestly, my mind first recalled some excuses he'd given me an hour earlier, but then my heart listened and like I said that hurt. He does hear "no" more than he wants (sometimes it's necessary), but it was a call to reflect and perhaps make some changes in my mothering.

But the impact of his comment didn't end there, no God used it as well - He brought to mind the excuses I've given to Him. He reminded me of things I'd said in the past - moments and plans I doubted, but yet He provided and completed. But what's really stayed on my heart are the excuses I've given lately as He once again leads in a direction I don't understand.

I've said, "I can't" but He reminded, "I will."
I've said, "I don't have the time," but He says, "I hold time in my hand."
I've said, "I'm not good enough," but His truth says, "My strength is sufficient."

And once again I hear just the right words at just the right time!! Friend today I pray you open your heart and mind to not just hear these words, but listen to them. He will speak, sometimes in ways we don't expect, but always in ways that touch our heart and have the power to change our lives!

Again thanks for stopping by! I invite you back tomorrow when we'll pick up our Wednesday "Who am I?" study!!

"Who am I?" - Does it really matter?

2011-02-02T06:20:00.002-06:00

A couple of weeks ago after I finished my post for this series, a question entered my mind, “Does this really matter?” This question started out focused on the post and once I opened the door for doubt to enter in, Satan kept the ball rolling. My mind played right along, “Does this series really matter?” and then “Does my blog even matter?” Doubts about my writing weren’t enough. No, my mind even asked the question, “Does who I am really matter?”

Thankfully I was able to recognize the lies that were entering my mind and counter them with God’s truth!! A few verses that He brought to mind -

“For you are a chosen woman - You are a royal priest, a holy daughter. God’s very own possession. As a result, you can show others the goodness of God, for he called you out of the darkness into his wonderful light.” 1 Peter 2:9 (NIV)

For you are God’s masterpiece. He has created you anew in Christ Jesus, so you can do the good things he planned for you long ago. Ephesians 2:10 (NLT)

“I formed your inward parts; I covered you in your mother’s womb. You are fearfully and wonderfully made by Me, and My works are marvelous.” Ps. 139:13-14

Truth from God’s Word reminded me of who I was and God used what Satan intended for harm for good! Through that experience He not only reminded me of who I was and how valued I am, but He showed me the question, “Who am I?” really does matter!

Friend this question is not just an important one for me to ask, no it’s important for you as well. Just the other night I watched Lysa TerKeurst’s Made to Crave webcast and she spoke of changing our pity into purpose. I believe by tackling this issue of identity in our own lives we can do just that! From comments you have left and conversations I’ve had, I know the struggle to understand our identity is not one that ends once we graduate. And though our identity changes and we become a new creation once we accept Christ, my experience a few weeks back proves the struggle continues, which is why the question is important.

I pray in the days ahead you will keep asking “Who am I?” And as you do remember the question isn’t for your spouse, parent or child, it’s not for anyone, but the Creator Himself!! Friend don’t just ask Him the question, listen to His answer, trust His truth and rest in His reassurance!!

Today would you share with us a truth you cling to that assures you of who you are?! I look forward to hearing what you have to say!

Mirrors and Windows

2011-02-01T14:50:00.000-06:00

Let me ask you a question, "Do you spend more time looking out a window or looking into a mirror?" Personally I find myself looking out the window much more often - checking on the kids, watching my husband or enjoying the beauty of God's great outdoors.

And it's great to look out the window when our intent is to see what's outside, but this past Sunday during the children's sermon our pastor made us think about things in a different way. You see he held up the window first of all and as the kids looked through it, he asked them who they saw. Every one's response was the same, "Them!" They were right they saw all of us seated in the pews.

Then he pulled out his second prop and placed a mirror in front of them and they each took turns smiling and laughing as they looked at themselves. Once again they each gave the same answer for his question, "Who do you see?" "ME!"

After establishing the fact that looking through a window and mirror result in seeing two different things he went on to make his spiritual connection. He brought up Jesus words in Luke 6:41-42, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye."

Then in an attempt to explain this to the children (and all of us adults in the pews!) he spoke of how it's easy to look through the window and see what everyone else is doing. Think about the last time you just gazed out your window - it's simple and doesn't involve work. There may even be times we don't like what we see or moments we're glad it's someone else doing the work, but when we're on the inside looking out, in a way we are removed from the situation.

Now switch gears and think about the mirror. As I do this I think of the pastor making comments to the kids as they each took their turn looking at themselves - he'd say, "See yourself. Aren't you cute? What do you see? Do you see you're missing your front teeth?" This comment was made for my little Joy and after he said he put the mirror back so she could see again; well this time she was embarrassed and didn't want to look.

I knew the point he was making Sunday morning and her reaction instantly hit me - how often do I (and perhaps you) do the same. We go to the mirror and don't like what we see. Sometimes that's physically and others it's on a spiritual level and like Joy it can be easy to throw up our hand so we can't see or simply walk away and not deal with things. But that is not what we need or God wants. No, He wants us to deal with the issue! Only when we remove the log from our own eye and the sin from our own life can we help others do the same!

So today if you find yourself glancing out the window, don't forget to spend time first looking in the mirror!!!

Who am I? - "Not who I was."

2011-01-26T05:38:00.002-06:00

Welcome back for the "Who am I?" series, today we're going to take a look at one of the possible answers for those who have accepted Christ as our Savior. Have you ever asked yourself the question and found yourself answering, "I'm not who I was."

I hadn't thought too much about this in a real personal away until nearly a year ago after a conversation with a friend/neighbor. Teresa, our MOPS mentor, was talking about her friendship with me and how it's been neat to see me grow and become a leader myself. Then she went on to share how she knew me when I was a "little Biwer girl."

In the days following this conversation, I really thought about what she had said and realized all too often I still see myself as one of the little Biwer girls. You see growing up I had two younger sisters and the three of us were known as you guessed it, the little Biwer girls, who were sometimes mistaken as triplets (not cool when your 12 and baby sis is 8!). The word little really stuck out - physically I was on the small side, but in my mind little meant more than size. No I related it to ability, appearance and in a way even used that to define my worth. Honestly I was surprised when I thought about this; it was hard for me to believe words from my childhood were still impacting me as I neared my mid-30's.

As I reflected more on these thoughts, I realized there were other labels I'd worn; sometimes they were given by others, but quite often by myself. Thru the years I was quite often the quiet kid - not because there weren't thoughts or ideas I wanted to share; no usually I was quiet because I was intimidated or feared saying the wrong thing or being misunderstood. And during high school, I was a good girl - no drinking, a respectful student, driven athlete - a real people pleaser! Though I was a "good girl" I still often felt like I was never good enough. In those same years I was also a lonely child - I had a family who loved me and supported me, but yet something was missing (thankfully I now know what that was!)

How about you? Take a minute and adjust the question a bit, "Who have you been?" Perhaps you can relate to the labels I've mentioned or maybe yours are entirely different. Really it doesn't matter! As I've thought and prayed more about this whole identity issue God has brought His word to mind "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!" Isaiah 43:18,19a

Friend regardless of what your past holds, brokenness, pain, hurt, loss, mistakes, shame, guilt or regret, trust what God has to say to you, "“Therefore if anyone is in Christ, there is a new creation; old things have passed away, and look, new things have come.” 2 Corinthians 5:17

I am no longer a little Biwer girl and you are not who you were! God can and will use who you have been, but He knows who you are and who you are becoming! Join me again next week as we look at who that is!!

Remember I'd love to hear your thoughts, just click on the comment button and share what God puts on your heart!!

"Just say..."

2011-01-23T21:45:00.002-06:00

If you had to complete this statement, "Just say...." what word would you choose? My mind instantly goes back to elementary school and the drug prevention program. Every week the police officer would visit our class and in one way or another tell us, "Just say no!!"

Now when it comes to drugs, peer pressure, any temptation this is exactly the response that we all need!! But lately I've been reminded that when it's God speaking to me, I must be ready to say just the opposite. Whether it's when He's calling or leading or even coaxing or convincing I need a heart that says, "YES!!"

As I sit and put these words on paper I realize this is a task that is easy to talk about, but a bit of a challenge to consistently live!! Back in the day I never struggled to "just say no" to drugs or alcohol, but I'd be lying if I said I never gave into temptation. I fell short during my school days, in college, as a teacher and today in my life as a wife and mom. I'm human; I mess up, I sin. There are things I should say no to, but I do them anyway. There are thoughts and doubts that are wrong, but rather than saying no, I open the door of my mind and let them in. Saying "no" can be hard.

And saying "yes" can be just as challenging. Over two years ago, God put it on my heart to organize a women's event in our area - initially this seemed crazy and impossible, but thankfully over time He convinced my heart to just say yes. Two years later, myself and many others have been blessed by the Rise and Shine Women's Retreat! I am truly amazed at all He's done!! One little, hesitant, scared yes led to results beyond anything I ever imagined!!

Over the last two months He's been asking me to say "yes" once again and just like before this seems crazy. You see He's been asking me to step away from the Rise and Shine leadership team and though the selfish side of me wants to regress to the phrase from my elementary days and just say "no," He has impressed it on my heart to do exactly what He's calling me to do and again just say "yes" without fully understanding why.

As I've wrestled with all of this, God has brought a verse to mind. One many of us know well and have heard often - Proverbs 3:5-6, "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Honestly I don't understand what He is doing, but experience has taught me to trust in HIM!! Friend, perhaps you can relate, I encourage you to listen for His voice and when you hear it, "just say yes!!!"

A Necessary Question

2011-01-19T20:16:00.003-06:00

Last week I shared a post titled, "Who am I?" and after more reflecting I believe this is a necessary question. Would you agree? I'd love to hear your thoughts!! As I wait to read yours, I will attempt to share mine...

First of all after the comments from last week, I think many of us would agree that this is a common question. At one time or another, we've all had some one ask us this question and many times we've probably formulated it in our own minds as well. So I believe we could say the question is being asked, but is it necessary??

Now this idea of identity has been on my mind quite a bit the last couple of years and even more so these last few months. As I reflect back on these thoughts and the lessons I have learned I can now say the question is not just necessary it really is vital. What makes it vital is where the answer comes from...

I have shared how I found my identity in many different things, roles and people through the years and conversations with and comments left by others prove I am not alone. All too often we look to the wrong person to answer the question or rely on a role (that's eventually going to change) to define who we are. God, the One who created me and you, is the only One who truly knows who I am (and loves me anyway!!) But more about that down the road!

For now, why is the question necessary - until I know who I am, I will never know who I was made to be. Granted I can spend years searching and struggling to find the answer, and there may be times I feel like I've found the answer, but if I rely on anyone or thing other than God to define me the answer can change. As a former math teacher, I know if the answer is correct today the problem will still be right tomorrow, next week and forever!

Friend the same is true with God's definition of who I am (and who you are!) And better news than that is even in those moments when I forget and regress to ways of old, He doesn't change and neither does His love for me!!

I'd love to hear your thoughts about why this question, "Who am I?" has been necessary in your life! And I look forward to continuing this discussion next week as I look at one possible answer to the question - "Who am I?" - "Not who I was!!"

“Therefore if anyone is in Christ, there is a new creation; old things have passed away, and look, new things have come.” 2 Corinthians 5:17

Wrestling

2011-01-18T14:32:00.000-06:00

As a former basketball fanatic it's kind of crazy to say wrestling has been the sport of choice recently in our house! J.D., our second grader, is taking part in the practices for elementary students at our local high school. Granted he's way more aggressive when he's trying out his moves on his dad, little sisters and even myself, but he's been enjoying his time on the mat.

But the sport hasn't just entered our life because of practice one night a week, you see I've become a daily participant in the sport I never really understood! Now before you think I've lost my mind, physically I am NOT taking part, but mentally on the other hand it seems there's been a constant match going on in my head!

Have you ever been there? Please tell me your answer is yes!! Honestly, I believe that will be the case because though there are times when God's voice is loud and clear, there are situations and instances when it's a whisper and times it truly is hard to understand. I'm one who wants to do what Chris Tomlin sings about in his song, "I Will Follow." The cry of my heart is "Where you go, I'll go; Where you stay, I'll stay; When you move, I'll move; I will follow..."

Sometimes this following business is hard, especially when it seems I'm at a crossroads. How about you? What do you do when the path splits? The decision can be easy, but all too often it seems both roads lead to a good destination. I find myself wondering, "Do I continue down the path I've been on?" or "Do I walk in a different direction?"

Like I said before these thoughts have led to quite the wrestling match in my mind. And unlike my son, this doesn't cause points to pile up, instead it creates more things to think about and at times can lead to worry, doubt and even frustration. As I write that I think about my son and I know there are times on the wrestling mat when he experiences the exact same thing! And God just reminded me of the words I share with him, "Keep trying. Do what you can do. Listen to your coaches. Work at it and it will come."

So friend as we walk this walk of faith, let's commit to doing the same thing - try, listen and persevere; even during the wrestling matches we must not give up! And we need to realize the lessons He is trying to teach - I watch my son and he is learning so much during his time on the mat and the beautiful thing about it is these lessons involve so much more than the latest moves. Really he is learning about himself and I believe thru this wrestling match in my mind, God's not just helping me discern where He wants me to go, but more importantly He's reminding me of who and Whose I am!

"Who am I?"

2011-01-14T21:34:00.003-06:00

“Who am I?” Have you ever asked yourself this question? If you’re like me, your answer would be, “yes, more than once!” So let me continue, “Where do you find your answer?” Have you looked to others or media to define who you are? Or have you found your identity in what you do or have done? The success you’ve achieved or mistakes you’ve made. Or do you find your answer in your looks, your last name or the church you belong to?

This question, “Who am I?” is not a bad one to ask; all too often the problem lies in where we try to find the answer. I truly believe we can only solve this dilemma by seeking God’s answer to the age-old question! Trust me it’s taken me years to realize this, but in the days ahead I’d love to explore the topic more. I’ll share some of my thoughts and would love to hear yours!

So let the conversation begin…

Where have you found your answer to the question, “Who am I?”

Like I said, I’ve asked the question numerous times and have attempted to find the answer in various places. In high school I found my value in playing basketball, so when I answered “athlete” I felt good about who I was. But those feelings could change quickly when I compared myself to others and my "tomboy" looks never measured up, in those moments who I was, was never good enough. Then there are the times I’ve defined myself by the things I’ve done - the mistakes made and times I’ve fallen short and the answer I give is “failure.”

Perhaps as you reflect on your life you can see a similar pattern - when we base our identity on roles, situations or comparisons it is constantly changing and when God created us that was not His intention. He knows who I am, who you are friend and He wants us to know that as well! Join me again as together we look to discover the only answer that matters, HIS!!

A Baby Born to Die

2010-12-06T10:36:00.002-06:00

With Christmas approaching there is much to do! With one thing in particular being our children's Sunday School program. As they practiced yesterday and found their costumes, my thoughts went to last year when I was in the play. And those thoughts reminded me of this post -

As I wrote in my last post, I recently played Mary in our Sunday School Christmas program and doing so has given me much to think about. And today my thoughts revolve around the idea of a baby born to die. At Christmas time that can be a phrase we hear quite often, but do we really listen and more than that do we take the time to stop and think about the significance of those 5 words?

I have and I suppose you have to, but as I sat on the stage looking at my newborn son wrapped in swaddling cloths, the words were more alive. Anyone who's had a child can recall the emotion that overflows as you hold your baby for the first time - there's the overwhelming feelings, the awe at what took place, dreams for the future, really it's more than words can describe. I'm sure the same and more was true for Mary as she gazed at the Son God had given her...not only was she looking at Jesus her first born, but she saw the face of God!

Honestly I have to say this experience was the first time ever where I was on stage and totally unaware of the audience looking at me. (If you know me that says alot!!) But really I was consumed with being in Mary's shoes and still I'm amazed when I reflect on it all.

The impact of the experience doesn't end there though. When the service was done, a gentleman from the congregation asked me, "Do you know the significance of swaddling cloths?" The mom in me internally thought yes, they keep the baby warm and wrap them tight to ease the little one's transition. But he continued on, "Swaddling cloths were what they used for burial. He was born to die." That I knew, but I hadn't heard of that connection before so I looked into it a bit more.

In my research I came across this explanation, "In the Middle East, people traveling long distances were often met with many hardships and trials on their journeys. In the event of a death in travel, the body could not continue to be transported for many days. For that reason, travelers wrapped a thin, gauzelike cloth around their waist many times. If someone died on the journey, the others would use this cloth, referred to as "swaddling clothes" to wrap the corpse in before burying them. When Jesus was born, there was no room in the Inn, and so Mary and Joseph used a nearby stable for Jesus' birth. With no other cloth to use, Jesus was wrapped in Joseph's "swaddling clothes" - the cloth normally reserved for a person's death."

From the beginning Jesus was preparing to die. Now when my mind flashbacks and I see myself holding my little Jed, that can be hard concept to think about, but in life that is a reality. Thankfully chances are my son will not be called to the same death as Mary's, but just like Jesus, Jed's life on this earth will not last forever. And neither will mine...or yours.

Which brings me to another way to apply those 5 powerful words - Christ was born to die for my sins and because of that I am called to die to myself and live for Him. (Matthew 10:38-40). And as a mother I'm called to teach my son about His ways so someday he will do the same because when we die to self we live with Him and that is a birth that has no end!!

What does Thanksgiving mean to you?

2010-11-24T14:29:00.003-06:00

This is the question GOD had on my mind in the early hours this morning. And as I thought it was interesting to reflect on the answers I would have given through the years -

As a child, it meant a trip to Grandpa and Grandma's and also was a marker on the calendar, Christmas wasn't far away!!

As a high schooler, it meant basketball was here and games were about to begin! Back in the day we played in a holiday tourney, so in my mind Thanksgiving really was "Game time" Eve.

In those days, Thanksgiving basically was another day on the calendar. Special simply because it brought me one step closer to what I wanted.

I'm thankful it has taken on a whole new dimension over the last 10 years! Primarily because I now understand it's really not what I'm thankful for, but because of Who I'm giving thanks to.

Now Thanksgiving is a wonderful time of reflecting and reminders. The day always reminds me of our engagement - 10 years ago tonight my husband pruposed after our Thanksgiving Eve services. What a great memory!

And as I reflect on the years we've shared I realize I have much to be thankful for - a husband who loves me more today than he did then; 4 children who sometimes drive me crazy, but always bless my day; wonderful extended family; amazing friends; a warm home; a church family that helps me grow; opportunities to serve; the list goes on...

But last night after reading a post about how sometimes the holidays are hard because life is hard - relationships are broken, finances are low, lives on earth come to an end, things change. Holidays can cause us to remember the way things were and leave us missing what was and though it's good to be thankful for what was, this morning I got to thinking we must also remember to be thankful for what is.

If we are followers of Christ and truly believe He does work all together for the good who love Him, we should be thankful in (not necessarily for) all circumstances. Perhaps it's not what we want, planned or expected, but He is in control and has a purpose.

Finally even more than the "counting your blessings" and "thankful for" lists what truly is important on this day of Thanksgiving is giving thanks! In Old Testament times, there were thank offerings given and I believe God asks us to do that yet today, "Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:1-2

What does Thanksgiving mean to you? And more importantly what offering of thanks will you give to your Father and Lord this holiday?

Leftovers

2010-11-23T10:33:00.003-06:00

With Thanksgiving two days away, many plans are being made and the work has begun. As I make my grocery list and prepare for time with family I got to thinking about leftovers. Crazy I know!! Really who goes into one of the biggest feasts of the year thinking about leftovers?

I think a conversation with my grandma triggered it...you see the other day she was sharing with me how she didn't know if she'd be hosting Thanksgiving this year. She's 80, so we all understand! Then she shared the deciding factor - one of her great-granddaughters had told her mom, "I'm coming home for Thanksgiving - I don't want to miss G'ma B's dinner!" Grandma was so touched, you see in her mind her cooking is no big deal, but to Kylie it was special.

As I thought about this - my Grandma's reaction and Kylie's desire, I smiled, but then took things a step deeper. My Grandma would have graciously made up a plate to send home with Kylie's family so she could be with her boyfriend, but she didn't want the leftovers. They didn't excite her. That's not what she's been looking forward to over the last few weeks every time she eats another college meal.

While my mind processed this, God spoke to my heart, "Jill, your husband and kids don't desire or deserve leftovers either." Wow, so true! But God didn't stop there; He went on to say, "And neither do I." Wow, that hurts, but it's a fact. And sometimes the truth hurts.

The truth is I have been loving and serving my family and my Father, but honestly sometimes it's been more of a have to than able to. And others it's after my to-do list is done. In my last post I wrote about cutting back, which is necessary if I don't want to keep serving my family leftovers.

Once again my grandma serves as a wonderful example for me - she is excited about serving up a feast for her family. She is looking forward to the prep work and I know she will do it with joy in her heart. She will treasure the time she shares with the 40+ family members on Thursday. Her focus will be the feast, not the leftovers.

In the days ahead, I pray that will be my focus as well! I know my husband, children and especially my Lord will be appreciative of it and just like my grandma, I will be blessed because of it!

Time for a Trim

2010-11-19T07:01:00.003-06:00

Over the last few weeks God has really been working on my heart to slow down...as a wife, Mom, homeschooler, MOPS leader and member of a women's ministry team I have been busy. And last week we added illness to the mix - then things were messy and I was tired. But as I sat up in the wee hours trying to comfort my little man, God worked to do the same with me.

You see He'd been "messing" with me - in a good way, but yet it was hard. So I sat there crying out to Him, "God what do you want me to do?"

And then a picture of my little Joy came to mind and I saw myself trimming her bangs - now initially I thought, Jill focus and honestly I did not know why my mind was thinking of this. But then the picture changed, I saw her face in a new way - a better way, a more complete way and then God said to me, "Jill, if you cut back in your life you will see me better too."

Wow!! I'm still not sure what He will be trimming from my life, but I'm willing to let Him and I look forward to seeing more clearly and am excited to see HIM in bigger and better ways!

How about you, "Is it time for a trim?" I think of my little Joy again and this is never something she chooses to do. In her words, "It feels funny. I want to play instead." And I know I've said similar things, "But God it hurts. It's change. I want to do..." Just like I know what's best for my little girl, God knows and wants what's best for me, and you.

So today will you join me in handing him the scissors and simply being still so He can do what He needs to do?

Worth Remembering

2010-11-07T18:49:00.002-06:00

The other day I sat down with my notes from Rise and Shine and was blessed by the time of reflection. I also realized there were many points worth remembering! I have to believe they just might be beneficial for you as well, so below you will find 10 key points and quotes that Lysa TerKeurst shared with us -

* "Let God write your kids' testimony." That is so true and so important and as a Mom who wants the best for my kids' I know sometimes it will also be hard, but He is trustworthy!

* "Remember who you are!" A child of the Creator of the world. A daughter of the King! A girl who is loved, forgiven, chosen and blessed!!

* "I don't have to...I am able to." All too often it's easy to lose perspective and look at my never ending to do list in a negative way, but really God is giving me opportunities to shine for Him in the daily, mundane, ordinary events of the everyday.

* "Don't build the stability of your identity on the fragility of other's choices." Wow, that says a lot! All too often I define myself by what others say, my kid's behavior or the actions of others which I have no control over. When really my identity is in Christ alone!!

* "God created us to be not do." I led a breakout reflection group and one of the gals commented on this by saying, "Isn't it easier to do than be? God asks me to lead a Bible study...OK, but then He asks me to sit with Him for 20 minutes and I don't have time." Again another quote that provides a perspective check. I must strive to do what's important to God - the doing will flow out of the being!

* "Never give up!!" Lysa shared about her Bible friend, a gal who at a time drove her crazy, but in the end one who God used to speak truth into her life. People need to hear and when God prompts me to share, I must. The planting and watering is my responsibility, God will do the growing.

* "God changes us when we obey." So so true. I sat there as the day came to an end and marveled at all God had done and I was blessed to be a part of it. For me the amazing thing was though the day was wonderful, God really had taught me just as much in the journey.

* "Feelings are indicators not dictators." Feelings can lie, mine often do! They may indicate a problem, but they should never be the basis for a decision or alter my thoughts about a situation or even myself.

* "God doesn't need prayer, I do." True, true, true!! Prayer was a huge part of Rise and Shine and now as I reflect on it, I know God heard us and answered us. But I'd never heard this statement before and God has proven the truth of these words in my life - I need prayer, I need time with HIM!!

* "Make peace with reality." The truth is none of us live in the perfect world and none of us have had the ideal life - bad things have happened, poor decisions have been made and times have been tough and no matter what I do, I can't change what's been done nor can I change anyone but myself. But daily I can become more, I can choose to seek HIM, serve HIM, see HIM and believe HIM...no matter the circumstance, the reality is HE is there and that's a reality I can make peace with!!

Rise and Shine 2010

2010-11-03T21:22:00.000-05:00

The day came and the day went…God was present and He provided! In attempt to update anyone who is unaware - Rise and Shine is a women’s retreat that was held this past Saturday. I’ve been blessed, honored and humbled to be a part of the team that God has entrusted to be responsible for the event. This year we were thrilled to have Lysa TerKeurst as our guest speaker and God spoke through her in wonderful ways!!

So back to the day that was…actually I’m going to begin on Thursday night - about 7 PM my little Joy started to get sick and she was my priority through the night, especially from midnight to almost 4 AM. By Friday morning she was feeling a bit better as in a “sick” little voice she assured me, “I’ll be OK.” I knew she would, but still saying good-bye was hard. This was the beginning of the reminders that God is in control and He will provide, strengthen and make a way!!

And make a way, HE did! Friday, the 4 of us along with some fabulous volunteers spent the day prepping - everything from preparing retreat guides, nametags, decorating, last minute registrations… And it all went well! I missed this step last year, but all the others agreed it was much smoother and faster too. Again, it’s in God’s hands!

Then around 5 I received a call from Holly, Lysa’s assistant that they were near the church and looking to have supper prior to the practice and run-through. So we welcomed them to Iowa and they met real farmer’s wives and had a delightful conversation over supper. It truly was a joy to meet both Holly and Lysa! God is good and His people really are family!!

Everything that night went so well and ahead of schedule, that Rachel and I decided to make the hour and a half trip home to at least see our families even if that only meant while they were sleeping! I believe God truly provided that opportunity because it really put my heart at ease to have my healthy little Joy smile and send me off on Saturday morning! And I was blessed to start the day with my husband, who’s believed in me and Rise and Shine since day one!

And now I look back at the day and it was all so good, I wish each of you could have been there, but that’s not realistic so I’ll share some highlights - we started the day in the prayer room, which is where our hearts have been all along! This year we’ve made prayer a much bigger priority and God responded to that!! From there we moved to the volunteer meeting and it was on my heart to share 1 Corinthians 3:6,7 “I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God has been making it grow. So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow.” Because really that’s what this was all about!!

The day began and before I knew it Lysa was finished with her testimony and closing in prayer. During this time she explained the difference between religion and a relationship with Christ in a beautiful way. It was then she invited women to accept Christ as their Savior or recommit their life to Him. With everyone’s eyes closed in a powerful time of prayer she asked these women to make eye contact with her in order to acknowledge their decision and as they did she “Praised God” with her mouth and I did with my heart.

This truly was the highlight of the day for me and has once again brought me to tears because it’s such a picture of answered prayer - hearts were touched and lives were changed. Seeds were planted and others watered, but God was doing the growing! As this session came to an end, I whispered to a fellow Rise and Shine team member, “The day could end right now and the retreat would have been wonderful.”

It didn’t end there, but this blog post will…until next time friends, I will share this - if God puts something on your heart - even if it seems crazy, beyond you, too hard, too much work, whatever the excuse, today I want to encourage you to say “YES!” Initially I didn’t want to, but I did and like Lysa says, “Our job is obedience…leave the results to GOD!!” He can do it!!

Remember Who You Are

2010-11-03T10:30:00.000-05:00

This past weekend at Rise and Shine, Lysa TerKeurst shared a story about one of her sons - the story was hard for her, a Mom, to tell and I’m sure if you could talk to her boy, it’s been one that’s been a challenge to live. You see a poor choice was made and now the consequences must be dealt with, but this story was meant for us all - daily each one of us makes thousands of choices!

As we make these choices, whether they are actions we carry out, thoughts we let enter our mind or words that leave our mouth, we must remember who we are. I’ve spent some time thinking about this (what it means for me and my kids) and have been reminded that before we can remember who we are, we have to know WHOSE we are!

When we know Whose we are, we have a better idea of who we are! So today I ask you, “Who are you?” How does remembering this help you? Strengthen you? Challenge you? Please share!

Speechless

2010-10-31T21:28:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was the Rise and Shine Women's Retreat and now a day later, I find myself at a lack of words. Moments before the doors opened everyone who would be on stage gathered for final instructions and once they were given Lysa TerKeurst closed in prayer for the team.

She asked God to interrupt us and mess us up in the best sort of way! And now 24 hours later, I can say that prayer has been answered for at least one...

HE is messing with me...I am overwhelmed by all HE did...I am thankful for the privilege it was to be a part of something so good and so GOD!

The title of this post says it all...I am speechless, but as He helps me sort things out I promise to return and share more about a wonderful, wonderful day!

Until then a BIG thank you to each and every one of you who has been lifting the event, the team, Lysa, the attendees, everything in prayer! None of this could have happened without it!

My Mentor and Me

2010-10-29T05:00:00.000-05:00

Hello to all of you visiting from Renee’s blog; thanks for taking the time to stop by!

Today I want to take a minute and share what my mentor, aka my spiritual mom, and me are up to - the two of us are blessed to be part of the Rise and Shine Women’s Retreat Team and the event we’ve been planning and preparing for takes place tomorrow!! Very exciting!

Yesterday morning I thought about the days to come - the work, the stress, the joy, the excitement! The more I thought the faster my mind began to race and then God slowed me down. I simply went and sat alone (in a house with 4 little ones that doesn’t happen too often!!) with HIM! As I did that He filled me with His peace and calmed my spirit.

But in that time He did even more, He reminded me - He reminded me of what this is all about - HIM!! He reminded me of where He’s brought me. He reminded me of people He’s used in my life. He reminded me He is in control and if we are willing and available He can use us. He reminded me He is so good!! He reminded me He is BIG and I am small; I am weak, but HE is strong! I was reminded He is a giver and my relationship with Him is such a gift.

I closed that part of my day truly feeling blessed! Because I am, but before I got up to really start the day I took a moment to pray. I asked God to keep me in that place…not just in the days leading up to Rise and Shine, but always! Day in and day out, I am blessed, loved and strengthened because of HIM. It’s true every weekend doesn’t hold the excitement and anticipation of this one, but still HE is there. The circumstances change but He does not!

Just yesterday I received a note in the mail full of compliments about the book and the impact it made on this specific reader. I was touched by her words and appreciated them so much, but her closing comment is what really struck me. She said, “I hope to find Him (Christ) someday the way that you have.”

Like I said her words have impacted me, actually in two ways - 1) I am committed to pray for this gal - specifically that she will know Christ in a very personal and powerful way and 2) I don’t ever want to take my relationship with Christ for granted - it is not something everyone has and it is not by my doing - He chose me!!

Friend, thank you for visiting today! I pray you’ve been blessed and I pray you are encouraged to make an impact in the life of another. I also pray you’ve been reminded of the value of your relationship with Jesus Christ! At the same time if this talk has you wanting to know more please feel free to contact me jillberan@yahoo.com I’d love to share more.

Pressure

2010-10-26T08:18:00.003-05:00

If you are regular visitor to my blog, you have heard about the “Rise and Shine Women‘s Retreat.” This event will be held Saturday - 4 days from today!! It is a complete honor and blessing to be part of the wonderful team that is organizing the retreat, but last night I was feeling the pressure.

Over a week ago a friend asked, “Are you feeling the pressure as crunch time hits?” At the time I had a two part answer - I really wasn’t stressed with the detail part of it all, but I was feeling the pressure of living out what Rise and Shine is all about. Rachel, one of our team members had said a bit about the team, the volunteers, everyone involved being the face of Rise and Shine and that really hit me.

So fast forward to this week…with plans to meet for our last team meeting today I’m feeling a little stress with all the details that need to be taken care of and loose ends that need to be tied, but still it’s the daily rising and shining that is the challenge.

You see, tomorrow we take our little man Jed in for an echo cardiogram because last week at his 12 month check the Dr. heard a heart murmur. She has assured me I don’t need to worry - according to every thing else he is a healthy little boy. But still we want to make sure. And really I have peace that his heart is in God’s hands and believe the results will be fine. My bigger fear is the sedation process…worry can set in when I think about that, but that’s when God whispers to my heart, “Jill rise and shine - trust me.”

Then there’s the financial side of things - I know this test will be costly. Just 6 months ago we changed insurance meaning more of the expense is ours… Again my mind can go, but He continues with the same message, “Jill, rise and shine - I will provide.”

I could go on, but you get the idea…you too have daily struggles - it doesn’t matter if it’s health, money, relationships…we all have difficult moments in our life. Whether they are big or small is irrelevant as well, regardless of what they are they can create pressure.

The other day as I talked with God about this, I was struggling with why rising and shining, basically living out my faith sometimes has to be so hard. And why does it have to feel like such pressure. It may sound crazy but He brought my basketball days to mind…

Back then I liked the pressure…yeah it could be nerve wracking, but yet I enjoyed the intense moments, felt like I’d accomplished something during victories when the game was tight and learned valuable lessons when I fell short.

God has used those memories to speak me - as a point guard I knew when the pressure was on and last night was reminded of three things my coach used to say to me in those moments. “Slow down!!” “Keep your head up!” “Look down the floor!”

Today as I gear up for some intense possibly pressure filled days ahead, I pray I will not only hear God say that to me, but will listen and obey! I pray things will go according to HIS time while I keep my eyes on HIM and focus on HIS eternal plan! And when things get too intense I pray I remember I still have the option to call a time-out - my heavenly coach is always available!!

Before I was able to post this, we were reading our daily devotions and as my husband read, these words touched my heart -

"We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers." 2 Corinthians 1:8-11a

Waiting for Rise and Shine

2010-10-19T06:53:00.002-05:00

In 11 days the Rise and Shine women's retreat will be taking place! In a way I've been looking forward to this since last October when the first retreat was held. This year Lysa TerKeurst from Proverbs 31 will be joining us and I know God has great things in store.

We have been meeting and planning for close to a year and it's exciting to see all the details coming together. God is obviously putting the pieces together once again and I'm anticipating Him filling in the gaps this year as well.

It's been wonderful to connect with others who are attending this year through our Facebook page and it will be great to put a face to a name. There are so many things to look forward to, but at the same time there are so many things to do yet!

I know in the days ahead there are loose ends we need to tie up, final decisions to be made and finishing touches to be put on. And there are prayers that we must continue to pray!

But at the same time there's more...the other day as I was anticipating the day of Rise and Shine, I realized though the day is special and will be blessed, I really don't need to wait! God will speak on the 30th, but if I listen, He will speak today as well. God will create connections, but He'll also bring people across my path today. God will use me at the retreat in Cedar Falls, but He can work just as powerfully through me today in my home. His presence will be real at Orchard Hill Church, but He's here right now even as my children argue!

All of these thoughts remind me that Rise and Shine truly is more than a retreat; it is a way of life. I know the 30th will be wonderful, but at the same time, "This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24 It doesn't matter where we rise and shine; the important thing is we allow His light to shine!!

When the sun shines...

2010-10-05T21:25:00.001-05:00

The other day I was driving down the road and the sun was shining! Outside it was a cool, October day in Iowa, but on the other side of the window I felt the sun’s power! As the temperature inside the vehicle rose my mind went to work and I took some time to really think about the big ball of fire in the sky.

Let me share some of those thoughts -
When the sun shines it’s presence is known!
It has the power to produce heat and light.
It can bring joy - picture my kids swimming on a hot summer day.
It brings peace - my husband combining on a nice, dry fall day.
The sun sustains life - the crops my husband is harvesting are evidence of that.

It was only natural for these thoughts to lead to some more; as I marveled at the beauty of God’s creation I was reminded of another Son that shines! And it’s amazing when you think about the similarities between the two -
When Jesus shines, His presence is known!
He warms our heart and lights our way!
He brings joy!
He brings peace!
He not only sustains life, He created it and is the Bread of life!!

God didn’t allow my thoughts to stop at this, no He took things a step further…you see I’m part of a team that is organizing the Rise and Shine Women’s Retreat that will be held in less than 4 weeks. So the idea of “rising and shining” has been on my heart for quite some time!

My prayer for this retreat is that women will not only walk away encouraged, refreshed and renewed, but they will be given a spiritual wake-up call! One that inspires them to rise and shine daily!! Because when the Son shines through us, His presence is known and His power can be felt; hearts are touched and what was dark becomes light. By rising and shining a difference can be made; His joy can carry someone through the pain and His peace can calm another during the storm. Ultimately by rising and shining, He may use the light in us to not just sustain life, but to save it eternally!

To think all these thoughts were the result of the sun shining! Think about what could happen if someone sees THE SON shining through you today!!

Empty

2010-09-16T22:08:00.002-05:00

Today has been one of those days - sick kids, crazy schedule, unexpected requests, you know the routine! All things that can create chaos and add stress to life. Couple that with the feeling of being a bit disconnected and I find myself at the end of the day feeling empty.

No matter what happens or others' say I know God can, will and does fill me up. He is enough! Even when others seem distant, He is near. When things don't go according to plan (mine), He is in control! Just the other day at MOPS, our speaker wonderfully disected Psalm 139:10, "Even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast." I know God is here, He is guiding me and holding me!

I know these things, yet I wanted more! I thought maybe I need to be reminded of His word, you know replace the lies with the TRUTH! So He led me to some verses, let me share a few -

"Everyone who believes that Jesus is the Christ is born of God" 1 John 5:1a - I am HIS child! That's a truth that can fill you up!

"What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:31

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-40

For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:10 - The NLT says, I am HIS masterpiece - the gage is going up!

Being reminded of these truths and more should fill me, us, up, but yet as I sat down at the computer the empty feeling returned. As I felt myself deplete, I stopped and prayed, "Lord, why am I feeling like this? I know the TRUTH. I read Your Word and believe what you say. Why am I empty?"

I paused and before I even thought about listening, in my heart I heard, "maybe it's not a bad thing." Instantly a song I heard a few months back came to mind, please read the words of Chris Sligh for yourself -

I've had just enough of the spotlight
When it burns bright
To see how it gets in the blood
And I've tasted my share
Of the sweet life
And the wild ride
And found a little is not quite enough

I know how I can stray
And how fast my heart could change

Empty me
Of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition
And the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me
So I can be
Filled with you

I've seen just enough of the quick buys
Of the best lies
To know how prodigals can be drawn away

I know how I can stray
And how fast my heart could change
Empty me
Of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition
And the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me
So I can be
Filled with you

Cuz everything is a lesser thing
Compared to you
Compared to you
Cuz everything is a lesser thing
Compared to you
So I surrender all

Empty me
Of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition
And the poison of my pride

Empty me
Of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition
And the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me
So I can be
Lord empty me of me
So I can be
Filled with you.
Filled with you
Empty me

Honestly it's not an easy thing to ask, but will you join me in the process and pray for God to empty you as well! Only then will we be completely filled with HIM and ultimately that is what our hearts' desire! Believe me, I know this is a challenge, so if you're taking the challenge and in need of prayer, let me know I'd be honored to lift you up!

"Look at Me!"

2010-09-13T07:08:00.004-05:00

A post from over a year ago has come back to mind...I guess I needed to read it again. Maybe you do too...

This past June while attending the local county fair my brother-in-law came across a picture in a scrapbook from years ago. It was of me during my early high school days and as he showed his wife, my husband and children I was embarrassed.

Though everyone laughed, I hurt as I recalled many negative feelings associated with my looks. What really hurts is they haven’t entirely disappeared over the past 20 years. As a child and teen I was a tomboy who enjoyed sports and life on the farm much more than fashion, make-up and the latest hairstyles and my picture proved it.

The doubts on the outside weren’t the only ones I recalled as I took a look at who I once was - I recalled the insecurities as well. The picture brought back a statement I’ve said to myself quite often as I’ve journeyed through life, “look at me!”

These words have never been an attempt to catch everyone’s attention, but instead have given me a reason to doubt. Many times I’ve looked at myself and thought I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, smart enough or worthy enough to do whatever it was someone was asking me to do.

After giving my life to Christ in my early 20’s I caught myself giving the same response to God – “Look at me!!” He obviously had made a mistake; I wasn’t the girl for the job!

In the past few years God has used one of my children’s favorite stories to speak to me. My kids are intrigued with the idea of walking on water and have attempted to do it themselves, but more important than Jesus’ ability to defy nature is the message He has for all of us.

In Matthew 14:22 – 33 the story is told of Jesus walking on water. It begins,“Immediately after this Jesus made his disciples get back into the boat and cross to the other side of the lake while he sent the people home. Afterward he went up into the hills by himself to pray. Night fell while he was there alone. Meanwhile, the disciples were in trouble far away from land, for a strong wind had risen, and they were fighting heavy waves.” I think we can relate, I know there are times when storms hit my life and it feels as though Jesus is far away. In those moments it can be easy to lose focus and rely on my own strength. It is then that the “look at me” worries, fears and doubts resurface and seem just as powerful as the strong winds and heavy waves.

But we read on – “About three o’clock in the morning Jesus came to them, walking on the water. When the disciples saw him, they screamed in terror, thinking he was a ghost. But Jesus spoke to them at once, “It’s all right,” he said. I am here! Don’t be afraid.” A man walking on water, who wouldn’t be afraid? But Jesus assures them of His presence and the story continues,

Verses 28 and 29 – “Then Peter called to him, “Lord, if it’s really you, tell me to come to you by walking on water.” All right come.” Jesus said. So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on water toward Jesus.” Again can we relate? Have you ever felt God’s presence in your life and by faith reacted to his calling? Like Peter have you jumped out of the boat with complete trust in your savior who is calling you? Have you taken the initial step of faith only to experience what came next for Peter?

In verse 30 we read, “But when he looked around at the high waves, he was terrified and began to sink. “Save me, Lord!” he shouted.

I read this verse and can picture Peter mentally saying, “look at me” I’m walking on water and then when the reality of the situation hits I see the statement move from being one of pride to one of fear and doubt. He looks around and sees the danger in the situation coupled with the lack of his own ability to do the very thing Christ told him to do and fear sets in.

As I share this story with my kids, I see myself in this role all too often – God calling me to do something and then in my heart I say yes, but as I survey the situation I too become terrified and start to sink. The “look at me” phrase returns and leads to many excuses in my mind that cause me to sink before my feet even leave the boat.

But as God continues to prove Himself faithful, the final verses of the story carry more power. It says, verses 31 to 33…"Instantly Jesus reached out his hand and grabbed him. “You don’t have much faith,” Jesus said. “Why did you doubt me?” And when they climbed back into the boat, the wind stopped. Then the disciples worshipped him. “You really are the Son of God!” they exclaimed.”

How many times has Jesus uttered the same words to me? “You don’t have much faith. Why did you doubt me?” For years I believed doubting myself couldn’t hurt God, but I’ve realized that is wrong. If it is Him who lives in me, when I say I can’t who am I referring to? Take a minute and think about that.

As I do just that I think about our evening at the fair and I recall someone saying, “Well at least you can say your looks have improved.” Perhaps, but more importantly than what’s on the outside is what’s happened internally.

2 Corinthians 5:17 tells us, “What this means is that those who become Christians become new persons. They are not the same anymore, for the old life is gone. A new life has begun!” I’m grateful I don’t see the same person anymore and I’m more thankful that every time I hear the familiar phrase “look at me” I’m beginning to sense God whispering, “No Jill, look at me.”

Though He has yet to call me out of the boat and literally walk on water, He has asked me to do things I never thought I would do. How does this happen? By keeping my eyes on Jesus. As Peter did this he did the unimaginable – he walked on water! When I focus on Christ, though the winds may blow and the waves rage, He keeps me from falling and proves himself true. Sisters he will do the same for you – keep listening for his voice, you will hear him say, “Look at me.”

Lessons from a little one...

2010-08-30T05:45:00.001-05:00

I am constantly amazed at the lessons I learn from my children! God can speak to me through them in so many ways and this past weekend I've been reflecting on and reminded of the many lessons He's taught me through one of my children in particular.

The child I never held in my hands, but will forever hold in my heart. The little one we lost to a miscarriage 2 years ago today. At the time we'd only known we were expecting for 15 days, but the reality is in those 15 days we came to know this little one as our own - we had dreams for her, hopes for her and a heart full of love for her too.

At times this weekend has been difficult - memories from 2 years ago have come back quite strongly. I recalled the events of that weekend quite vividly and as I did, I found my mind wanting to ask the question. You know, the question that has no answer - "Why?" Again I found myself following the advice Lysa TerKeurst shared in a recent Bible study; the question to ask is "What now?"

So as that thought came to mind, I asked God to show me. "Lord what do I do now? I'm sad and grieving this little one, but yet I know You are good. What do I do now?" There was no voice, but it was as if Iheard, "How was I good in this?"

Before I go on, I want to admit this is still hard and if you're walking in the pain of a recent loss, I know your emotions are raw and the pain is real. You may be thinking there is no good in this (I've been there), but I want to encourage you - circumstances change, life is hard, but GOD is GOOD! Two years later I can say that and if you seek HIM and trust in HIM someday soon you will too.

Now, "How was God good in this?" Well, the first answer that came to mind was my little man Jed - 6 months after our loss, God blessed us with another pregnancy and this October we'll celebrate Jedidiah Jay's 1st birthday!! God is good!

Another lesson my little one has taught me is that God does provide - as memories flooded my mind these past two days I was amazed to see how God provided a listening ear, an encouraging word, a warm embrace, a friend to share my tears, a song to change my perspective, strength to face another day...

He also provided an opportunity for us to grieve as a family. At that time our other kids were 5, 3 and 1, and we didn't explain to them what had happened. After spending the day at their grandma's house because mom needed to rest they came home for the evening and I worked to keep things together as we prepared supper. It was then that we discovered Dorothy, the goldfish we'd had for over 2 years had died. I can remember J.D. and Joy just crying. They crawled onto my lap and we all grieved - them for a fish, but me for the sibling they wouldn't see until this life was done. Those moments were hard, but yet so precious - God is good.

God also provided some answers - answers to the questions, "Was this baby a boy or a girl?" and "What was his or her name?" In April of '09, when I was expecting Jed, we were discussing names and I always came back to Jenae Hope Beran. Jenae means "God has given" and Hope, well that's obvious, so together I thought "God has given HOPE" was very fitting. So needless to say in June when the ultrasound said I was carrying a boy, I was surprised! I was for sure I'd be holding another little girl in the delivery room; a little Jenae Hope actually! I can remember asking God, "What about Jenae?" And He whispered to my heart, I'm already holding her.

Knowing this was good, my baby had a name! But yet it was hard and in a way I grieved all over again. But God is good - He gave me time to grieve; prior to this we'd never even had an ultrasound with our other children. This time the Dr. recommended it and though my husband didn't want to know the sex of the baby, God knew I did. (I did keep the secret!) And I'm thankful HIS ways are higher than mine - you see I don't know how all of these emotions combined with those that accompany a new baby would have all played out. God knew I needed time and He provided.

This little one, Jenae, has also taught me that God really does speak to us and work in ways we never expect or fully understand - the story of her name is proof of that! He is good!

Her little life has taught me that I serve a God who is faithful! He keeps HIS word - when I am weak, He is strong. When I can't, He can. When I fall, He will lift me up. When I'm in need, He will provide. No matter what the situation, I can put my trust in HIM. He is my hope!!

My trip down memory lane has shown me that Psalm 139:10 is true, "even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast." During those first few days and even weeks there were moments I wondered if this was true, but looking back I know it was and better yet still is and will always be!!

One final answer to the question, "How was God good in the worse loss I've ever experienced?" He provided strength and peace I'd never felt before. He drew me to Him, even when at times I tried to push away. He comforted when no one else could! He taught me what HOPE is all about!

Two years ago, because of Him I could say, "blessed be the name of the LORD." And today though my heart still grieves for my little girl and I've experienced first hand how the Lord gives and takes away, it is a privilege and honor to bless HIS name. HE is GOOD! Thank you little Jenae HOPE Beran for allowing Him to use you to teach your mom so much!

A Heavy Heart

2010-08-25T08:18:00.003-05:00

Last night while I was leading our women's Bible study, I missed a call from my sister-in-law. After returning home, connecting with my husband and getting the kids to bed I called her back. It was then she asked if I remembered the principal from my time at North Fayette; I said, "Yes, Mr. Haught." And then she went on to tell me he had taken his own life.

I was in shock, just like anytime I hear news like this. Thoughts went to his wife and family. Then to fellow c0-workers and all the students he had led through the years. With every thought that came to mind, my heart grew heavier. Situations like this are so hard to understand and really there is no answer to the question, "Why?"

So why not focus on the question that has beneficial results, "What now?" As God shifted my thinking I was reminded that we are all in need of hope. Not wishful thinking, but hope that really makes a difference, hope that only God can give. I don't know where Mr. Haught was spiritually, but regardless of the strength of our faith or lack of it, life and its circumstances can bring us down. We must constantly seek God, draw closer to Him and share that hope with others.

As I grieved for all those who knew Mr. Haught, God took my thoughts a step farther and I shared with my husband, "11 years ago next month, people could have easily been making those same calls about me." You see back in Sept. of '99, my second year as a junior high math teacher and Mr. Haught's first year as principal, I was struggling with depression. At the time I had religion, but no relationship. I was hurting, lonely and on the brink of giving up. It hurts me to think about how close I was to ending it all, but I'm so thankful God intervened and has me where I am today. As my husband responded last night, "Praise God."

So back to the question, "What now?" When our hearts are heavy with grief, when things happen that we don't understand and life is hard, "what now?" We seek HIM, trust HIM and praise HIM. For me, God is using this to remind me; to remind me of what HE's done in my life, to remind me that we never fully know what's going on in another's life and to remind that there's always a need to shine HIS light in a world that is dark.

Friends, please join me today in lifting the family and friends of Ken Haught today. Only God can provide what they truly need in a time like this and in the days ahead. Thank you.